A life skill coach personal development idea:

Building Rapport With the "Person" in Personality

BY JAMIE WALTERS

Reprinted with permission. See below.

Rather than be frustrated with a co-worker's, or client's, personality, discover how to connect with that person so you both truly understand each other.

When it comes to personalities, no one clicks with every person on Earth — that's what makes interactions so darned interesting (okay, and sometimes frustrating).

You can count on the fact that, during the course of your work, you'll meet people with a wide range of personalities, including several which push your buttons. To work effectively, efficiently and enjoyably, you can learn how to create positive or neutral interactions with personalities that would otherwise drive you into Raging Maniac mode. Needless to say, this can be a lot harder than you imagine.

While we can't address every personality type, we've selected three types with which many people have a tough time, and offered a few specific tools that we at Ivy Sea, Inc. have used to increase understanding and build rapport.

The Type — The Power Junkie

In every meeting, this person tries to wrangle control and power from others she perceives as threatening to her stature. Wanting to be the top dog and seen as the most knowledgeable, the Power Junkie will interrupt, squelch ideas, intimidate others, and dole out tasks - even if her role isn't to assign responsibility.

A Tool — Acknowledge talents using respectful language

Generally, the Power Junkie just wants recognition for her talents, and acts out based on insecurity. By acknowledging this person's expertise in a specific area and seeking her opinion, you'll help quell her fears of appearing stupid or not having her expertise recognized. Don't retreat from communicating your recommendations or counsel simply to placate this person, but don't be so attached to being right that you end up in a power struggle with a Power Junkie-no one really wins.

The Type — The Withholder

Also working from an insecurity around power issues, the Withholder doesn't share information that will help you do your job, even though it might ultimately benefit him. In explaining what he needs from you, he might leave out the fact that core decisions about the project haven't been made, or that there is a bigger budget than he's communicated to you. The reasoning behind this action might be to hang on to perceived power, to make himself look better, or to test your abilities and trust in him. Whatever the case, the Withholder is setting you up for a very hard-won success, if not outright failure.

A Tool — Clarify, clarify, clarify

The best approach to take with the Withholder to is ask clarifying questions every time something is unclear or you've received a mixed message. Follow-up each question with a statement clarifying why you ask, and how it's a benefit to the Withholder, i.e., making his job easier, providing a product that meets his expectations, representing him in the best way possible, etc. Finally, pay attention to the "red flags" you're perceiving, clarifying what you're able to do and what's not possible, given the information or resources you've been given. List out all information you need to ensure a successful outcome, or be clear about what outcome is possible with the information and resources you have. If neither of these seem possible, seriously consider refusing the project.

The Type — The Eager Puppy

So enthusiastic about his work and the project, the Eager Puppy will start spewing ideas, concerns and answers way too prematurely. While his vivacity is refreshing, it can be contagious. Before you know it, meeting participants have agreed on a solution without examining or knowing the full story or assessing the reality. Solutions have sprung from ideas and opinions, not informed research. Needless to say, the result is a solution that doesn't fit the problem (because the solution pre-dated an assessment of what the problem actually was), leading to an unhappy client and more work in the long run.

A Tool — Slow it down

Agree on the purpose of the meeting at the start and spell out what points or answers the discussion needs cover in order to reach that goal. Whenever the conversation veers off from the key point of the meeting, lasso everyone back in. You could say, "That's a topic we may have to cover during the course of the project. For now, let's work on [the purpose of the meeting] to ensure we address the key reason we're here today." Another effective way to slow down the Eager Puppy is to ask probing questions. When people are taking ideas as fact (not asking questions that can help qualify or expand the idea), it is a sign that they are ratifying the idea as the next action item. Step in and ask a question to halt this common meeting phenomenon. For example, "Before we even start talking about an online newsletter as the answer here, do we know that the audience has online access? What do we know right now that will help us clearly identify realistic next steps?"

In closing . . .

The starting point for honing your facility for skillful interpersonal relations is knowing your own personality and how you react to others. Then expand your toolbox for managing your own communications and reactions so you don't get your shorts in a twist when you encounter a personality that doesn't gel with your own.

© Jamie S. Walters, Ivy Sea, Inc. San Francisco, CA (www.ivysea.com). Reprinted with permission. No additional reprint, distribution, or reproduction in any form without express permission or VIP membership from Ivy Sea, Inc.

USE DIALOGUE TO IDENTIFY FEARS THAT SQUELCH STRENGTHS

Discovering and making the most of group strengths carries with it the assumption that the people involved have or can overcome any fears that might hinder their performance in the group.

As with most assumptions, this is a dangerous one to make. Without addressing the fears, the group's foundation will be compromised or weakened by the fear that might be looming in a team member's thoughts or over the entire group. (Think of a building on the San Andreas fault that hasn't been seismically retrofitted, and you'll get the picture.)

The fear that we're referring to here might include fear of failing or succeeding, fear of losing status or being visible to your group, fear of working in a new way with new team members, fear of the unknown, etc. Regardless, it's the fear that disrupts or prevents someone from performing at his or her best level, and diminishes one's skillfulness or the joy that one gets from his or her work.

Uncloaking these fears can be extremely valuable to the individuals and the group. On the same token, most business teams don't want a touchy-feely, "let's talk about our fears" session - and this is not what we're proposing.

Try a forum

However, a forum in which group members feel comfortable expressing ideas and perspectives in general, knowing that they won't be vilified later on, is critical for strengthening the group itself, and for uncovering breakthrough ideas. (The opposite of this is a group of people fearful of sharing their opinions, who sooner or later become "yes men and women.")

A well-suited tool for this kind of group-strengthening discussion is Dialogue, a meeting approach in which participants follow guidelines that allow for deeper listening, greater understanding of others' perspectives and clarification of assumptions. Most important is that Dialogue sessions are safe environments where judgement is nowhere to be seen, heard or felt.

The trust, understanding, layered knowledge and authentic communication that results from Dialogue is priceless in terms of the ideas and momentum that will be generated.

Consider holding a professionally facilitated Dialogue session with your group to discuss a specific topic, to advance and enrich a project, or to address group dynamics. Since Dialogue facilitation is a honed craft, please engage a professional if you are interested in benefiting from this approach.

To learn more about Dialogue, visit your local library or bookstore and read book such as:

On Dialogue, David Bohm

Dialogue: Rediscover the Transforming Power of Conversation, Creating & Sustaining Collaborative Partnerships at Work, Linda Ellinor and Glenna Gerard

Talks and Dialogues, J. Krishnamurti

© Jamie Walters