A life skill coach personal development idea:

The 4-1-1 on Constructive Criticism

BY JAMIE WALTERS

Reprinted with permission. See below.

Recognize the difference between ordinary criticism and constructive criticism

Being critical is easy, and offering criticism seems easier still. Yet constructive criticism — the more refined and effective brand of critical feedback — is like an art when compared to nagging, nit-picking and negativity. Nothing makes most people bristle more quickly than unfair, unskillful or unsolicited criticism. Yet there are times when offering constructively critical feedback is essential to maintaining excellence and strong relationships.

The best way to skillfully offer constructive criticism depends heavily on the nature of the relationships and personalities in any given situation, so this article will offer a few pointers rather than an exhaustive primer on the subject. Yet a few tips on how to be more skillful — if implemented mindfully — can make an enormous difference. Some tips include:

Realize that relationships matter.

Is a husband criticizing a wife, an employer criticizing an employee, a supervisor criticizing a direct report, a project leader criticizing a team member, or a colleague criticizing a peer? Some approaches for offering constructive criticism can be applied in all cases, and in all cases success depends on the agreements that are in place—and understood by both parties. For example, an employer providing a critique of an employee's performance rests on a foundation of the agreements made at the start of the employment relationship about the employee's role and the employer's expectations. A colleague criticizing a coworker can require a more delicate approach, because the same assumptions regarding authority are not in place. Also, remember that one of the most important priorities is to maintain a positive, respectful relationship with the person once the discussion has drawn to a close!

Review assumptions.

Most people automatically assume that they're right and everyone else is wrong, and it's their mission in life to correct others! From the other side of the discussion, though, it seems a lot more like unproductive, demotivating criticism. One great thing to do before you lob criticism at someone else is to review where you might be making assumptions about the relationship, expectations or how the person is approaching a project or situation. For example, if you're about to criticize someone for "never listening," your assumptions might include your perception that you've been clear in your communication or seeing expectations from the same place. In fact, neither may be true. Scouting potential assumptions can help set the foundation for a more positive discussion or feedback-sharing session.

Relax and center before meeting.

If we're anxious about providing critical feedback, or feeling frustrated or resentful about another person's behavior or performance, we might be tempted to head into a feedback-sharing discussion in a state of stress. The better choice is, after reviewing tips like these to put the discussion in proper perspective, is to take a few minutes to relax, breath slowly and deeply, remember our highest intentions for the meeting and for sharing our feedback. Whether you say a prayer or borrow a few relaxation or mindset management tips from your favorite athlete or self-help book, making an effort to relax and center will make a positive difference in the tone of your meeting, and you'll be more likely to be skillful rather than reactionary in your discussion.

Share intentions.

Before offering criticism, check your own intentions for wanting to let someone else know what they've done wrong or what could be refined in their behavior or performance. This provides a good litmus test for whether the issue under critique is really a matter of preference, work style or worse, your own problem. Then preface your criticism by sharing your intentions. For example, you might say, "My intention for wanting to talk with you is that I want our group's work to be excellent, and something we can all be proud of" or "My intention for needing to say this is that I'm feeling very frustrated that I might be getting taken advantage of here, and it's important for me that we maintain a positive working relationship."

Clarify expectations.

Murky or unvoiced expectations create problems when it's time to provide feedback, including constructive criticism, of someone else's behavior or performance. In addition to sharing your intentions for the discussion, you might want to share your perspective on how you understand any working agreements or your own expectations for the situation or the other person's performance or behavior. Doing so might sound something like, "My understanding of the project is that you were going to be handling meeting logistics by Friday afternoon and forward that information to me."

Ask questions (and listen to the responses).

Another great way to collect information that will help you to unveil unclear expectations, misperceptions or lack of clarity is to ask questions. The opposite, of course, is just doing all of the talking (which comes perilously close to assuming that you're correct in your perception of the situation!). Before providing constructive feedback, it would be great to ask questions and learn more about how the other person understood his role and assignments, how they understand any agreements, what they thought you or others expected of him, and how he felt about his performance on those contributions to date. Often, as you listen to someone's responses to questions, you have at least one "Aha!" moment that enriches your own understanding, which then allows you to provide much more constructive feedback.

Speak respectfully.

Think about it: Nothing seems worse than being yelled out, scolded, or just "talked at." And all of those seem even less constructive if you feel that what's coming at you is biased, inaccurate or unfair, and that you've not been offered a chance to share your perspective on the matter (and felt like someone actually listened!). In any discussion, and particularly one where you'll be offering criticism, it's important to listen, to ask questions, to ensure that you've made clear that what you're sharing is your perspective rather than a judgment or indictment of the other person. It's much nicer to participate in an information-sharing dialogue — where both people get to speak and listen — than it is to feel like your before the Inquisition!

See the positive as well as the negative.

Studies show that many people feel criticized, bullied or ostracized more than appreciated at work, and a fair percentage of people leave their place of employment because of such interpersonal problems with supervisors or colleagues. One great practice is to, before your meeting where you'll be providing feedback to coworkers (including managers or persons you supervise), is to make a list of things that you really appreciate about the individual with whom you'll be sharing feedback. Remember — positive attributes only, and include at least five on your list. Then, once you've shared your intentions about the meeting, share the "what I really appreciate about you and your work" list before moving on to constructive criticism. You can also wrap the meeting with a recap of positive thoughts.

These are just a few of the things to consider before providing critical feedback to another person, and the tips can be "flipped" if you're the one receiving critical feedback!

© Jamie S. Walters, Ivy Sea, Inc. San Francisco, CA (www.ivysea.com). Reprinted with permission. No additional reprint, distribution, or reproduction in any form without express permission or VIP membership from Ivy Sea, Inc.

NINE TIPS FOR FOSTERING A RESPECTFUL WORK ENVIRONMENT

Schedule regular meetings. Whether weekly or bimonthly, set aside individual time with each employee, and employees as a group. You might opt for a formal meeting, a casual in-office chat or a discussion over lunch or morning coffee. Regardless of the format you choose, set a consistent timeframe that lets employees know the meetings are important to you. Take hand-written notes for future reference and follow up on agreed-upon actions.

Allow for question-and-answer opportunities. Q & A opportunities can take many forms, including: One-on-one meetings, staff meetings (with varying participants), suggestion boxes (with appropriate follow-up), employee representative panels, graffiti walls or posters, e-mail communication and bulletin boards. By offering multiple formats, you help ensure that all employees have an opportunity to inquire about subjects of importance to them, in a way that suits their comfort zone.

Provide speedy and complete information. Timely responses to inquiries can mean a lot to your employees and will help to bolster their trust in you. The second half of the equation is knowing the most effective ways to share the information; always consider the type of information, its relevance to your staff and their preferred mode of receiving information. For more tips on which communication vehicles work best and when, check out the IVC article of the same name that's linked below.

Be honest to build trust. If you don't know the answer, say so. If you have a tough question, ask it. If you think employees are mulling a question that they're unsure of how to raise, bring it up yourself. If you say you're going to do something, do it, or provide an update as to why the schedule has changed. Such behavior will encourage your employees to submit questions, ideas, problems and difficulties.

Help employees make commitments. Provide employees with calendars to help keep track of commitments and plans, and consider sending them to a good time management workshop such as those sponsored by Franklin-Covey. Ask for deadlines for task completion, and clearly identify priorities. If planning is a new area for some employees, talk them through those tasks they think will move their assignment from start to finish (don't give them the answers, help them find the answers). Check with employees on their accomplishments and possible information needs.

Invite participation. Hold meetings that include employees from different groups and try to encourage everyone to speak. If someone is a bit shy or unsure, simply start with a question such as, "John, we'd love your perspective as well. What do you think of what we've talked about so far?" This will provide the group with different perspectives of the issues discussed, and help ensure that a few individuals don't dominate every discussion. It'll also help the more reserved participants get comfortable sharing their views.

Create diverse teams. Create teams across levels and divisions to improve the communication flow and to demonstrate your commitment to effective communication. Another benefit of pairing employees who don't usually work together? Increased awareness for the responsibilities and contributions of others in the organization. It's harder to perpetuate the "Us versus Them" gossip mill when you know that "Them" is really Jim, Ann and Ryan.

Welcome (and ask for) suggestions. Get suggestions from employees on a regular basis, either through widespread communication vehicles or by asking them individually. When you follow up on a suggestion, complaint, idea, or question, be sure to let the person who brought up the issue know that you addressed it. Don't just let the issue drop, or you'll teach employees that it's not worth participating.

Keep information flowing. Use multiple avenues of communication to help ensure you're keeping people informed. Don't assume that everyone knows what's going on, even in a small group. Also, remember that not everyone processes information the same way, so face-to-face, electronic, print and other formats allow more people to really tune in to your message. For example, follow up memos with a check-in voicemail message, open discussions at staff meetings or during one-on-one meetings. Don't assume that just because a memo has gone out, that it's been understood and accepted-instead, ask questions to confirm results.

© Jamie Walters