A Legacy of Lessons Learned in Fifty Years

When interviewing parents for Letting Go of Our Adult Children: When What We Do Is Never Enough, I had the pleasure of talking with Gary Docherty, who gave me permission to include in the appendix a very special gift he gave his adult children on Christmas 1990. It is an excellent example of how we can pass on what we know to future generations.

Our children may think they have heard everything we want to tell them — and some opinions they wish we didn't bother sharing. But what about our grandchildren and great, great, great grandchildren? Perhaps our hard-earned lessons will make the path easier for those who wouldn't have the opportunity to hear these messages from us directly.

— Arlene Harder, MA, MFT

What I Have Learned in Fifty Years

BY GARY DOCHERTY

1.  People are different

Accept the fact that people are different. Children grow up and develop their own unique personalities. Each has been molded by their particular culture shock. Every Little League player has a different view of the coach. Don't be surprised when people "act that way"; expect that they will act differently. Try hard to avoid assuming that they have the same outlook on life as you do.

2.  It's hard to change people

People resist change. They may change by following someone's example, or by seeing some great benefit to their lifestyle. Don't count on them to change.

3.  Don't tell people "don't worry."

Worry is natural. Saying "don't worry" seldom helps. Suggest positive action on something within their control.

4.  I am not responsible for my adult children.

Does that sound harsh? Think about it some more. If you keep assuming other adult's responsibilities, it's likely they will not take charge of their own lives. Give your adult children love, help, compassion, sympathy, empathy, and explicit knowledge that you are not assuming their responsibilities.

5. Try new things.

It is easy to get into a rut. Most of us are somewhat fearful of new and different ideas. Overcome fear by discovering your preferred way to explore the unknown: Go it alone, go with your best friend, or go with a group.

6.  Never stop learning.

A good student has few preconceived ideas, asks good questions, and reaches good conclusions. This is harder than just plain trying new things, but is more rewarding.

7.  Pull the weeds.

Trying too many things can get you into a different rut. Trim your activities to a comfortable range to foster strong growth. Finish what you start.

8.  Find your niche.

A popular theory for the nineties is that business will be good in narrowly defined sectors (niches) of the economy. Each person also can find a niche that will put their talents to use in a fulfilling way. What are your talents?

9.  See and smell the roses.

One day I realized that I had weeded MJD's rose garden so many times that I hardly noticed the roses. Crawling through the bushes on my hands and knees, pulling up each individual weed in my usual style, I broke off a branch. It was a beautiful rose. It took only a minute or so to see that rose, smell that rose, stand up and look at the whole garden, and then get back to work with a new view point.

Use little chunks of time to help you keep the daily details in perspective. It only takes a short time to give the child a "swing swung" before they get bored with that. One minute of sock-pulling with the dog is plenty. Thirty seconds of petting is about all the typical cat will permit. Ten seconds every day for giving your spouse a welcome-home kiss is loving, and wise, time-management.

10.  Results are what count.

I used to think that everything had to be done very well (perfect?). The major problem with that idea was that I did not have enough time to do everything very well. The inevitable result was a continuous trail of unfinished projects. I have finally concluded that it's OK to do most things reasonably well, and that's good enough. Getting a "passable" product and "closure" on a project allow me to concentrate on the next project in the pipeline.

Now don't get the idea that I am excusing sloppy work. What is "passable" has to consider the use of final results. Sometimes it is worth investing another ten seconds, maybe even another ten minutes, to get results that count.

By Gary Docherty

©1993, from Letting Go of Our Adult Children by Arlene Harder, MA, MFT

WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED?

I've learned that work is when you sweat and you don't want to. Leisure is when you sweat and you don't care.

— Age 55

I've learned that the guage of success is not whether you have a tough problem, but whether it's the same probem you had last year.

— Age 49

I've learned that the most endearing three little words I can say to my wife are, "Let's eat out"

— Age 71

I've learned that those who ask "Can you keep a secret?" can't.

— Age 78

These quotations are from the wonderful book if Live And Learn And Pass It On People Ages 5 To 95 Share What They've Discovered About Life, Love, And Other Good Stuff, written and compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr. and reprinted with permission.