Don't Put off Decisions That MUST be Made at Time of Death

If families use this list, supplied by a mortuary, to make decisions before a loved one dies, stress at the time of death will be much easier to deal with.

Everyone should know what will need to be done so that details can be taken care of in advance as much as possible. Of course, some decisions, such as ordering death certificates, can only be made after death. But if you are still able to make any of the other decisions, why not make them now, even if you have no plans for dying for a long, long time?

Just remember what we said in When is it Time to Talk About Stuff That's Hard to Talk About? If you truly love your children, please make it easier on them when you die. After all, they will be grieving their loss and anything you can do to relieve their pain will be much appreciated by them. Even such simple information as knowing where you keep your insurance policies and bank statements can save a lot of confusion and searching. And it may be that you keep the name of a long-time friend who lives far way in a special place and know that person would want to hear of your death.

Securing Vital Statistics

(Required for death certificate)

1. Full legal name

2. Home address and phone Number

3. How long in county

4. Occupation and years

5. Type of business and years

6. Social Security number

7. Veterans serial number

8. Date of birth

9. Place of birth

10. Father's name

11. Father's birthplace

12. Mother's full maiden name

13. Mothers' birthplace

14. Marital status

15. Spouse name (maiden, if wife)

Make Cemetary Arrangements

16. Interment space

17. Endowment care

18. Vault

19. Recording and Interment (Opening/closing grave)

20. Memorial marker and Inscription

Funeral Arrangements With Mortuary

21. Casket

22. Embalming & preparation

23. Cosmetology

24. Display of flowers

25. Legal certificates & permits

26. Memorial record book

27. Acknowledgment cards

28. Insurance & Government forms

29. Coach

30. Flower car

31. Limousine for family

32. Use of chapel

33. Music

34. Visitation hours

35. Clothing for the deceased

36. Funeral services

Decide and Arrange in a Few Hours

37. Clergy to officiate

38. Time of service

39. Arrange obituaries

40. Church services

41. To have open casket?

42. Select pallbearers

43. Transportation for family and guests (funeral car list)

44. Check & sign necessary papers

45. Answer phone calls, wires and messages

46. Arrange to meet and lodge out of town relatives

47. Notify family and friends

48. Order death certificates

Collecting Documents

49. Will

50. Birth certificate

51. Marriage license

52. Insurance policies

53. Bank books

54. Deeds to property

55. Auto ownership

56. Income tax returns

57. Veterans discharge papers

Notify as Soon as Possible

58. Doctor or doctors

59. Attorney

60. Employer

61. Insurance agent

62. Clubs, unions and organizations

63. Funeral director

64. Cemetery director

65. Relatives and employer

66. Clergyman

Personal Data of Deceased

67. High school attended

68. College attended

69. Degrees

70. Public, civic, religious offices or positions held

71 .Military record

72. Hobbies and interests

73. Special accomplishments

74. Charitable and special wishes

© Mountain View Mortuary and Cemetery, Pasadena, CA, (626) 794-7133. Reprinted with permission.

BALANCING HOPE AND REALISM

One of the most difficult aspects of adjusting to a serious illness is the seesaw ride of emotions — hoping desperately that things will turn out okay and greatly fearing they will not. Unfortunately, this problem can be compounded when the patient is feeling "up" while you are "down," and vice versa. And if the doctor says there is no cure and your loved one believes a cure is possible, is he or she in "denial" and "out of touch with reality?"

To better understand the role that hope, optimism and denial play in a life-challenging disease like cancer or multiple sclerosis, let's look for a moment at different types of denial. First is the denial of the diagnosis itself. The second kind of denial admits the diagnosis is correct but refuses to acknowledge the implications of the diagnosis. In the third kind of denial a person recognizes the disease is incurable but still views illness as indefinitely prolonged, denying the possibility of death.

Before you rush to consider how you can get the person to see things "realistically," you might consider the benefits of denial. Denial helps people adjust to illness. There is a great deal of information to process and manage when we are given such a diagnosis. Whom we tell and how we share that information may affect not only promotions at work, but relationships with fellow employees. So it's not unusual to emphasize the most optimistic scenarios or even to use evasion and deception. The person may be quite aware that death is possible and acknowledge to selected individuals the seriousness of the situation, but at other times, with other people, seem to ignore such issues. What we hear a person say does not tell us what is going on within his or her mind.

In examining what we consider "denial" in someone else, it helps to realize that in early stages of diseases, such as cancer, it makes little sense to submit to painful treatment if the person feels there is no possibility of ultimate success. Expending psychic energy (i.e., fear and anxiety) dealing with the "reality" that an individual may die means less energy is available to get through the rigors of treatment. It is better to put faith into the possibility of a "cure" or long-term control.

Besides, there are two other reasons you should not mess with denial. One is the fact that there is evidence suggesting denial can play a role in survival for a person who is in treatment but not willing to admit death is possible. The other is the observation that if you take away someone's denial, there is sometimes nothing to replace it and the person plunges into despair and hopelessness.

In the case, however, that your loved one refuses treatment by insisting nothing is wrong, and you have been told by his doctor that something can be done, tackling his or her resistance head-on, as much as you may want to take this route, is not likely to be successful. Then you will probably need to talk with a professional to explore what can be done. But be careful in listening to what the doctor says. If he or she indicates treatment won't cure, and may only slightly extend the life of your loved one, would you pressure him take that treatment anyway? If you did, would it be to benefit your loved one, or to give you additional time to adjust to what will happen after his death?

©1999, revised 2002 Arlene Harder, MA, MFT