Make Sure You Communicate Your Love
BY ROGER C. BONE, MD Reprinted with permission.
In the Supplement to Reflections: A Guide to End of Life Issues for You and Your Family, distributed by the National Kidney Cancer Association, the author writes a short piece called "He Never Told Me He Loved Me," referring to his father. While it is important for loved ones to read this piece, it is also important for the person who is facing death.
This article on sharing love at the end of life is important for the person who is facing death and for his or her loved ones.
A death that is anticipated gives family and friends time to prepare for and begin the mourning process. In contrast to someone who loses a loved one in a violent or sudden accident, they are given the opportunity to accept the reality of your prognosis and face their imminent sorrow. Open communication between all parties involved can help reconcile feelings of intense sadness, hopelessness, fear, anger, guilt, abandonment or resentment. Furthermore, reflection and contemplation can help alleviate stress and anxiety over unfinished issues. It permits everyone to experience increased peace of mind knowing that their sentiments were articulated and their needs fully recognized.
However, survivors may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about such an intimate and private conversation. They may not understand their emotions or know how to adequately formulate their thoughts. This final chapter is designed to provide a format in which messages can be conveyed to you in a nonthreatening manner. It opens the door for such a dialogue and can, at the very least, assuage the fears of those who are close to you. On the other hand, there will be some people who are at ease with the topic of dying and will not have any trouble expressing themselves to you. In either case, ask friends and family to write a letter or a simple statement so you can enjoy their thoughts, musings, praises, and/or reflections while you are still living. They can use this opportunity to celebrate your life, remember your personal and business achievements, and record your family history.
Here are some questions family and friends may want to consider when writing their letter or personal statement:
- What are you going to miss the most about him or her?
- What is your fondest memory?
- What achievements or contributions would you like to commemorate?
- In what way has he or she contributed to your life?
- Is there something you always wanted to tell him or her but never had the chance?
- What words of strength and happiness can you offer him or her?
These sample questions are meant "to help get the ball moving" and only a suggestion. It should be emphasized that there are no "right" or "wrong" answers and anyone can write whatever makes him or her feel comfortable. You may want to consider purchasing a "journal" so your father, mother, children, siblings, other family members, and friends and coworkers can write freely and on more than one occasion. Accept and enjoy what your loved ones have written and communicated to you. Believe that their praises are genuine and that you have been an indelible presence in their lives. It is refreshing to learn how other people view you-maybe you never realized the impact you have had on their lives. Hopefully, you will come to the same realization that I have — life has been good to me.
My father was a very quiet man. Personal discussion was difficult for him. For example, he never told me that he loved me or was proud of me. Consequently, I never told him that I loved him and was proud of him. I never let him know my profound respect for his achievements. He died suddenly of a heart attack when I was in my third year of medical school. I've always regretted that he died possibly without knowing of my love. I have tried to correct that by telling my family hundreds of times that I love them and am proud of them. But, it is too late to tell my father.
The terminally-ill, like me, should make sure such a discussion with their loved ones takes place before it is too late. If such a discussion is difficult, one can always write his feelings on a card, in a journal, or in a letter. It is also the time when the terminally-ill should try to mend any "broken fences" both within the family and elsewhere. Sometimes the original argument can scarcely be remembered, but families remain distant for years. It is time to forgive as well as to ask to be forgiven. Remember the simple phrase, "let bygones be bygones."
As emphasized by Dr. Henr iJ. M. Nouwen, you should forgive your parents for not being able to give you unconditional love; brothers and sisters for not giving the support you may have needed; your spouse for any losses, including the loss of intimacy with time; and friends or relatives for not being there when you expected them. Additionally, forgive yourself for many of life's transgressions. Only then can healing begin.
Your death may then bring those left behind closer together. Conflict, anger, misunderstanding, or resentment in addition to grief is even more painful, but can be avoided by your constructive actions. Remember to leave love to those left behind instead of sadness and grief. In The Four Loves , C.S. Lewis writes:
If you want to make sure of keeping your heart intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken — it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the dangers of love is Hell.
©1997, National Kidney Cancer Association |
