Acceptance — A Gift of the Heart
BY PATTY PAUL
We are pleased to bring you an example (below) of a special kind of loving gift given by a person who is dying. The reason it is so special is that it acknowledges the reality that each of us is resonsible for our own lives. If our partner has tried to nudge us toward better habits or has in other ways tried to improve our life, this says, "Dear, you did the best you could. I alone am responsible for whatever I've done that's contributed to my illness." How much guilt such a statement might relieve? Those left behind won't be so likely to wonder, "Could I have done more? Was I a good-enough spouse?"
— Arlene Harder, MA, MFT
The most precious gifts we give or receive are not jewels or toys, but are "gifts from the heart."
I got an incredible "gift" from my husband in the last two months of his life. One morning in early November 1998, he said he wanted to "take a meeting," that he had something important to tell me. He told me that "whatever the outcome of his battle with cancer," I should never feel guilty or have regrets about my failed efforts to get him to exercise or eat right for the sake of his health. He told me that I had done everything possible to help him get control over these habits. He told me that there was nothing more I could have done.
At the time of the "gift," I recognized what an unselfish, wonderful thing he was doing. He had paused during his battle to think of me and to think of me not just for that day, but for the future.
Only later did I truly appreciate the gift he had given me. Only after his death did I start the "could have, would have, should have" scenarios. I realized then that with his gift he had neutralized my self criticism, my guilt, my regrets. Because of his gift I was able to get past the guilt, the blame and move on in the grief process.
He was very special and so was his "gift."
©1999 Patty Paul and Support4Change |
