Are Your Dreams the Same as His?

BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT

This premarital priorities game allows you to compare your values with his and predict trouble spots before you tie the knot.

One of the greatest factors in building a successful family is the sharing of values, not only those that require money, but also those that demand the limited time and energy a couple has to invest. If both agree on every single item or service they purchase or activity they choose to do, they will have a hassle-free life. It will also be boring. A little disagreement can add spice and expand one's horizons. But there can be too much disagreement and stress if both people see things very differently.

Can you find a balance and predict where the trouble spots will be BEFORE you tie the knot? Yes. All it takes is the willingness to seriously consider your priorities in how you want to spend money, time, and effort - and then share your views with your potential mate. Even if you don't change the other's opinion, at least you won't be surprised if you later buy an item you consider vital to your happiness and your partner says it was a frivolous purchase you can't afford.

The Premarital Priorities Game is designed to get you thinking about what is important and what isn't important in how you handle limited resources. Recessions and layoffs can throw the most comfortable of lifestyles into a crunch. That's when the priorities of each person will play the biggest role in what must be given up to adjust to changed circumstances. And even Bill Gates' money doesn't bestow on him any more hours in the day than the rest of us are given. He has to set priorities for his time just like everyone does.

But BEWARE, playing this game can bring up strong emotions. We get many of our ideas of what feels "right" or "wrong" from what we observe in our family of origin, especially if the family was very happy or there was a great deal of discord. Advertising and culture add their influences when there is a high value placed on material possessions, convincing us that we won't be happy unless we have the very latest gadget. If what you own and what you spend your energy upon determines whether you have a feeling of personal "power," conflicts are sure to arise if you and your potential partner disagree strongly.

In evaluating this self test, remember that there is nothing wrong with wanting something. We all have wants and desires. Some people prefer to spend their money on very nice clothes. Others couldn't care less. Some want to spend vacations traveling the world. Others like relaxing at home. The value in playing the Premarital Priorities Game is in beginning to recognize that adjustments will need to be made and to know whether or not you're willing to make those adjustments.

The purpose of this "game," based on the above ideas , is twofold. One to see how closely the lists you fill out compare with those that your partner completes. The other is to give you an opportunity to discuss your differences.

Below you will find several categories with examples of things you may or may not find important. Next to each item mark an E, D, L, or U based on the definitions below. Be sure to add anything in the "other" box that you are curious as to how he or she would feel.

Essential-This is something you believe is necessary for you to be happy or satisfied in life. You would spend money on this item or service before buying anything else or spend time and energy working toward this activity rather than do something else.

Desirable- Here you consider something worth spending money and time to have, but would be willing to postpone it for later.

Luxury- These are items you would be glad to receive if someone gave them to you or you might buy them if you had lots of extra money, or you would only do them if you wanted to treat yourself to a frivolous activity once-in-awhile.

Useless- This is not worth your effort or your hard-earned money. If you mark something "essential" and your mate says it's totally "useless," or vice versa, an important point for discussion is WHY do you feel that way. What does owning that or doing that thing say about you?

You will note the last category lists personal attributes of your partner. Here you will consider how important these traits are to you. As time goes on, the glow of love can sometimes wear a little thing with the trials and tribulations that are part of every life. That's when compatibility in these areas can smooth rough waters and make it easier to renew your commitment to one another.

© 2002, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT

THE PERMARITAL PRIORITIES GAME

NOTE: This game will be most successful if you print two copies of this page and fill them out separately before discussing the results.

Things many people like to own

__________ Engagement Ring

__________ Costume Jewelry

__________ Quality Jewelry

__________ Fashionable Clothes

__________ Crystal

__________ China

__________ Sterling silverware

__________ Kitchen appliances

__________ Food Processor

__________ Computer

__________ Bicycle

__________ DVD player

__________ HD television

__________ Latest model car

__________ Well stocked liquor cabinet

__________ Home ownership

__________ Other:

Financial structure

__________ Life insurance

__________ Auto insurance

__________ Savings account

__________ Stocks and bonds

__________ Working in your chosen field

__________ Both spouses working to maintain a high standard of living

__________ Private funds for each person

__________ Other:

Things and Activities That Take Time and Energy as Well as Money

__________ Fancy wedding

__________ Children

__________ Dogs

__________ Cats

__________ Travel

__________ Dinner parties

__________ Frequent eating out

__________ Hobbies like photography

__________ Continuing Education Courses

__________ Awareness of social issues

__________ Participation in political affairs

__________ Attending Church

__________ Sports events

__________ Concerts

__________ Volunteering to help others

__________ Spending time with family and friends

_________ Other:

Care of house or apartment

__________ Housecleaning service

__________ Laundry service

__________ A clean sink and kitchen

__________ Keeping the bathroom clean

__________ Rooms vacuumed and dusted frequently

__________ Repairs made immediately

__________ Sharing house chores equally

__________ Yard work

__________ Hiring others to do painting and repairs

__________ Other:

Personal Attributes of Your Partner

__________ Sexually attractive

__________ Willing to have sex when I want it

__________ Affectionate

__________ Flexible

__________ Caring about people

__________ Dependable

__________ Faces conflicts openly

__________ Religious

__________ Spiritual

__________ Hardworking

__________ Calm when disagreeing

__________ Communicates comfortably

__________ Socially at ease

__________ Patience

__________ Sense of humor

__________ Other: