What Sex Says About Your Relationship

BY JOYCE AND BARRY VISSELL

Reprinted with permission

From the "The Mirror of Sex" article on their website.

Learn that what happens during love-making can be a reflection of the condition of the rest of the relationship.

The sexual relationship can be a mirror of the whole relationship. What happens during love-making can offer a reflection of the condition of the rest of the relationship. There is no such thing as having a poor relationship but great sex. "Great" sex may mean that both partners have an orgasm but, if there is no fulfillment in the rest of the relationship, there can be no real fulfillment in sex either. A physical orgasm can never satisfy a spiritual hunger.

Likewise, there are couples who seek help for a "sexual" problem but feel the rest of their relationship is fine. A "fine" relationship to some may mean the absence of conflict, but this is usually due to fear and lack of safety between the two partners. Conflict is the unavoidable in an intimate relationship, but partners need to feel safe enough with each other before they will risk saying something that may oppose the other partner. Absence of conflict can never be equated with harmony, just like the lack of war between nations does not necessarily mean peace.

If we desire to grow in our awareness of love, we must accept that sex can be a mirror of the relationship in general and be open to what this mirror has to teach us. It doesn't serve us to compartmentalize our relationship, and not look at our relationship from a higher perspective — which shows the interrelationship of every part.

In a therapy session, a couple presented an example of how sex can be a mirror for the relationship. During lovemaking, Serena would become upset whenever she sensed Loren drift away from his heart and into his bodily sensations. She felt abandoned by him at these times. Loren, however, was emphatic about his love for Serena, and reassured her that his preoccupation with his own sensations did not have anything to do with a lack of commitment to the relationship.

During the session, we asked Serena if she felt the same sense of abandonment at other times in their relationship, hinting that what happened during sex could be in some way a mirror for the whole relationship. She started to say no, then realized she often felt Loren "leave," but not quite as vividly as during sex. During a conversation, for example, she often experienced Loren's mind drifting away. And yes, it did annoy her, but not as much as during sex, where her feeling of abandonment was more pronounced because of her deeper vulnerability. Serena's feelings of abandonment, therefore, became most noticeable in her sexual relationship with Loren, but were nevertheless present, though less obvious, in the whole relationship.

Since Serena held herself in somewhat of a "victim" position, implying that Loren had the problem, we needed to delve deeper into her responsibility in the relationship. Was it possible that she was in some way abandoning herself? After some careful questioning, it became clear that the times Serena felt the most abandoned by Loren were the times when she gave up on herself and looked to Loren as the one with the power to help her. It was precisely this giving away of her power to her partner that was a from of self-abandonment. When a conversation was entered from this place of powerlessness and hoping to be rescued, Loren would unconsciously feel pressured to "be there" for Serena. Most of the time he wanted to be present for her, but his unconscious response to pressure was to mentally and emotionally run away.

The same was true during lovemaking If Serena was giving her power away, and hoping to be rescued by Loren, he wouldn't be as present as he would be when Serena stayed in her own power and sense of worth. In other words, the times she abandoned herself were usually the times she felt abandoned by Loren.

Of course, Loren had to take responsibility for his part of both the sexual and the general relationship. During the session, he realized his need to communicate his feelings-in this case, especially when he felt pressured by Serena to be for her what she wasn't being for herself. He was afraid of sharing his feelings of discomfort, especially during love-making-that this would hurt her. He now realized his not sharing was hurting her more. If Serena was abandoning herself by giving her power to Loren, he was abandoning himself by running away from his feelings. And just as with Serena, Loren's "leaving" was more obvious to him as well during sex. Because of this magnification of the feelings during lovemaking, this can be the best area where they both can practice healthy communication-and bring depth and fulfillment to all parts of their relationship.

If your lovemaking is just what it says — a true mobilizing of loving energy — a nurturing spiritual as well as physical experience, then you can know that this is an accurate reflection of the rest of your relationship. If you desire with all your heart to give pleasure to your partner just as much as you are willing to receive pleasure, and not get totally absorbed in your own sexual arousal, the rest of your relationship will mirror this same honoring and respect. If you are gentle with each other during sex, you are very likely gentle with each other at other times. Making love sexually implies making love at other times.

© Copyright The Shared Heart Foundation. Reprinted with permission.

A MAN'S NEED FOR NON-SEXUAL NUTURING

From the "A Man's Need For Nurturing" article on their website, reprinted with permission.

Thomas and Ellen sat on the couch in our office asking for help with their sexual relationship. Thomas' need for sex seemed far greater than Ellen's, who many times felt so pressured she often gave in just to please Thomas. Because of this, their times of love-making often lacked the depth and richness they both wanted. Ellen was puzzled, because she described Thomas as a caring and sensitive lover. They both figured she simply had a decreased libido.

While they were talking, I couldn't help but notice their body language. Thomas consistently leaned toward Ellen, while Ellen consistently leaned back away from Thomas. It was like he was pursuing her, and she was trying to get away. I pointed this out to them. Ellen blurted out how painful it was to feel pressured, even in a gentle and loving way. Although she loved Thomas very much, she often did not feel completely safe and relaxed being with him. It was as if he was wanting something from her she just couldn't quite give. They were both frustrated.

It was clear to me that Thomas was needing and wanting nurturing. The big question, however, was what kind of nurturing. I asked him how often he asked Ellen to hold him the way a loving mother would hold a child. He looked confused, and then emphasized his role in their growing family as the "provider," the strong one who held everything together. In other words, his answer was never.

I directed Thomas to lie on the couch with his head in Ellen's lap, and to give permission to the little boy part of him to receive the nurturing he needed. After some initial resistance, he eventually had a breakthrough. Tears flowed as he realized how much he needed to be held and comforted as a child, rather than only as a man. Finally he spoke, "All this time I thought I was needing sex. I was really needing to be held as a child and just comforted."

Ellen, meanwhile, was elated. She now understood Thomas' deeper need for nurturing, and why she so often pulled back from his wanting sex. She felt enormously relieved that her sexual drive was not the problem, but that she was needed as a nurturer, not a sexual partner.

Thomas and Ellen learned that this non-sexual nurturing was a vital practice for their relationship healing journey. They also learned that enough non-sexual nurturing would allow their lovemaking to attain new heights of love and fulfillment.

Here are some other important guidelines for non-sexual nurturing:

1. Keep a clear boundary between non-sexual nurturing and sexual activity. Non-sexual nurturing involves the child part of you. Sexual energy (even subtle) at these times can be confusing. Keep them separate.

2. Allow room for verbal communication during the holding. During your time of being held, verbalize your needs as a child. If you are the one holding, speak gentle words of comfort, reassurance, and acceptance.

3. Make sure you both receive enough holding as a child. If only one of you is asking for nurturing, your relationship will become unbalanced.

4. Finally, remember that you also need the nurturing of friends, especially of the same sex. This is often especially difficult for men, but I have often experienced in the men's workshops I lead that men need a kind of comforting that can only come from other men. This particular need can not be satisfied by a woman.

© Copyright, March 2000, The Shared Heart Foundation, Reprinted with permission