The New Intimacy — Discovering the Magic at the Heart of Your Differences
BY JUDITH SHERVEN, PH.D. AND JAMES SNIECHOWSKI, PH.D.
The following (and the sidebar) is the first chapter of The New Intimacy , Renaissance/St. Martin's Press, 2001, and reprinted with permission. Throughout our Relationships section you will find more ideas on keeping love alive by this husband-and-wife therapist team, both in articles and sidebars.
THE PROMISE OF DIFFERENCES
Everything that happens to you is your teacher. The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your own life and be taught by it.
— Polly Berrien Berends
As we learn to truly respect one another's differences, the much sought after ideal — loving partnership that fosters emotional and spiritual growth — is becoming a reality.
— Art Klein
Did your relationship start out with great promise, filled with excitement, throbbing with life? Were you certain the two of you would create a vital and passionate future together? Did you see in your lover all the qualities you wanted, so that just the thought of being together was enough to fire your desire and make your skin tingle? Did you imagine your family with beautiful, loving children and two caring and protective parents all together in a warm and comfortable home? And as you imagined growing old together, did you see yourself sitting back, content and confident, knowing, "We lived and loved and we did well!"
Perhaps your relationship is only months old, perhaps years or even decades. Do you still have those feelings? Is your relationship still filled with promise and fulfillment? Does your partner still catch your eye and cause you to sigh, to murmur with contentment and desire?
In the fifty percent of marriages that end in divorce the answer is definitely, "No!" But, what about the other fifty percent? Sadly, many of them have settled into predictable routines with only occasional spurts of passion, wringing out whatever pleasure is left by reminiscing about "how things used to be."
Being single isn't easy either. For most singles, dating is a drag, unfulfilling and sometimes even dangerous. To make it even more difficult, traditional gender roles are deteriorating and daters are left adrift, not knowing how to act. Who makes the first call? Who pays for what? How is she supposed to act? What is he supposed to do? Men and women stumble through, date after date, trying to figure it all out. Some do. Most don't. Yet, being at home without a date can be even worse — the shame, humiliation, loneliness . . . the indignity of it all.
Does this sound all too familiar? Are you struggling in confusion? Are you trying to overcome your disillusionment? After all, weren't you told that being in a loving relationship is one of the deepest and richest experiences you can have in life? And yet it all seems so difficult, so maddening. When you lie down at night, does your heart whisper, "Is this all there is?"
REAL LIFE LOVE
What if things could be different? Not just fantasy. Not mere hope. But the real thing.
What if:
 Your relationship could be open and free to change, and continually change for the better?
You could be loved for all that you are?
Your conflicts, even the fighting, could be catalysts for further self-definition and spiritual discovery?
Your relationship could be the doorway to a more expansive future than you've ever imagined?
You could have that miracle of love in your everyday life?
Would such a relationship be worth working for? "Yes," you say. But then, no more than a heartbeat later, your silent and scared voice pulls back, saying, "Is all that really possible? Isn't that just pie-in-the-sky?"
We assure you that no matter how difficult love may have been for you, no matter how many "paths of love" you've stumbled down, even if you haven't "come close," if you are willing, truly willing to commit yourself to building the relationship you want, you can have it! You can have a passionate and spiritually rewarding intimacy that is thrilling, more of an adventure than any fantasy of romance can ever be. We call it real life love, and it is the promise of this book.
It had done me good to be somewhat parched by the heat and drenched by the rain of life.
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
FROM CARBON TO DIAMOND
"Okay," you say, "so that's the promise of this book. But, how do I do it? How do I get from where I am now to a relationship that will support and nourish me and my partner — physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually?"
To make any kind of change happen you have to have a vision of where you want to go and some idea of what it will take to get there. And, as much as we would all like change to happen in an instant, it doesn't. Real change is a gradual process marked by moments of transcendence. Understanding this is essential for the growth and development of a solid, supportive and treasured relationship. Diamonds are a perfect example of the way real, worthwhile change takes place.
Diamonds are prized among the world's most precious treasures. It's said that the ancients believed diamonds were drops of divine essence embedded in rocks when the world was created. In India, diamonds were cherished as a protection against evil. The Chinese used diamonds as engraving tools. Giving diamonds to symbolize the sacred promise of marriage is a tradition that dates back to fifteenth century Europe. The market value of diamonds today far exceeds that of even gold and the emotional value of diamonds can sometimes be priceless.
But, did you know that diamonds don't start out sparkling and beautiful? In the beginning they resemble chunks of dull carbon, like lumps of coal. Then, under the power of heat and pressure they transform, they change into something they were not before — they become diamonds.
But even then, raw diamonds aren't very attractive. They are found in irregular shapes and are cloudy and almost opaque. To become beautiful, brilliant diamonds they must be carefully cut and shaped and defined. It's the same thing with people.
We all start out as infants, largely unformed, but with great potential. We need time and loving support if we are to grow fully into what we are. Under the right circumstances, any one of us can develop the brilliance that's within, whatever it is, and we can be recognized for the value we bring to the world.
You have great potential for love and committed relationship. To transform that potential into actual radiant intimacy you must be willing to:
Open yourself to the unavoidable pressures and passions of a relationship created by the differences between you and your partner;
Search out a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner when the challenges of being together cut into and disrupt what you believe and expect;
Grow into someone you were not before love entered your heart.
Opening, searching, growing — these are the fundamental elements of what we call "lovework," the effort that's always required to create the reality of genuine, long-lasting love.
Yet, today the reverse is more often the case. Relationships start out high, blindingly brilliant, everything seemingly perfect. The lovers feel no need to be conscious or aware of what's going on with them, because they believe the love they have fallen into is all that's necessary. They've been swept away. Happiness seems to be their's for life. This is very strange though, because nothing else in the world begins fully formed. Everything begins as possibility. Everything must be cultivated and nourished in order to grow into its full and mature potential.
Nevertheless, we're sure you've known people who cling to the belief that "When I meet the right one, he or she will beam high voltage love on me and make me feel complete." They are waiting for love to "happen" to them, with the silent hope that when it does they will be "rescued" from their lives and carried away into happily-ever-after.
During the early days of a relationship or in the honeymoon phase of a marriage, it can feel like the hope of being rescued has actually come true. Everything is perfect. Magical. Effortless. "We're so close, we even end our sentences for one another. I've never been so in love!" But, because the honeymoon phase is just a beginning, exciting but largely unformed, all real relationships must inevitably grow beyond it. When two people are unaware of this necessary and unavoidable change and the initial enchantment fades, they can become confused, frightened and eventually embittered. Sentences that were playfully endearing disintegrate into barbed misunderstandings. Touch that was tender and sweet becomes irritating and invasive. Two potential diamonds are left to wonder, "What happened?" Disillusionment sets in. They grow to mistrust not only themselves and each other but love itself. Some break up. Others stay in passive resignation. In either case, the vitality and promise of the relationship ends.
This doesn't have to happen!
BEYOND FANTASY
Real life love is not made from fantasies of effortless, swept-away, happily-ever-after bliss. It doesn't promise to rescue you from the ordinary problems of everyday life. In fact, the true spiritual journey of real life love can only begin when the fantasies end, when you and your partner are willing to be exactly who you are — no masks, no games. When both of you choose not to back away from the lovework it takes to become exciting and fulfilled friends, lovers and mates your relationship becomes a spiritual vessel supporting each of you in your growth toward the beauty and richness of the diamonds you can become.
To do that it's crucial to understand that love will beam into all areas of your soul. It will shine its light on those parts of you that you cherish. And, as you open yourself more and more to receiving love, it will also bring to the surface those parts of you that you believe are unlovable and undeserving, those parts you have hidden and denied — because love loves everything and everything wants to be loved.
At first, you may be frightened. That's not unusual. To protect yourself and conceal what you fear or dislike about yourself, you may put on a mask, a false front. Or you may resist love's penetration into your soul by consciously or unconsciously creating conflicts and distractions to avoid feeling embarrassed or ashamed. You may even decide that "this relationship's not right for me. I better just break it off." Or you may blame the whole thing on your partner, crying out that "love is just too hard," and "this isn't what love is supposed to feel like." We understand. We've been there. We've both done that. Ultimately it doesn't work. In real life, you can run but you can't hide. Sooner or later the real you shows up. Then what?
Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage.
— Anais Nin
KIM AND JAKE
Kim and Jake were both fun, bright and successful professionals in their early thirties. They met, fell in love and were deliriously happy. After five weeks they decided to get married.
When Kim's best girlfriend asked her, "What's the rush?" Kim assured her that "Jake and I are so sure of what we have together, what's the point in waiting?"
For the first six months, Kim and Jake seemed to have everything anyone could want. They spent all their available time together. Sex was great. The future seemed bright. Jake delighted in telling her, "You know, Kim, we're so much alike, it's almost like we're the same person."
"I know, Jake. None of my relationships before have ever been so easy."
But, little by little, they became aware of petty annoyances, subtle barbs and hurtful criticism. After a year and a half they found themselves fighting and miserable much of the time. They were shocked to discover how easily everyday differences could plunge them into verbal abuse, splattered with name-calling, leaving them feeling trapped, suspicious and on-guard.
"It's so ugly and painful," Jake sighed. "I don't know what's going on."
For example, returning home from a party one evening, Kim commented that the hostess had been "sickeningly sweet."
"That's ridiculous," Jake immediately fired back, "she was friendly and warm."
"It's not ridiculous," Kim shot back, suddenly furious. "Did you see how she was catering to everybody?"
"She was the hostess, Kim. What was she supposed to do? And besides, I've seen you do exactly the same thing."
"Never. I was never like her."
They were locked them into a bitter struggle, each convinced the other was not only wrong but stubborn and purposely mean.
On the surface, Kim and Jake appeared to have it all together. But, down deep, they each wrestled with self-doubt and insecurity. They had unconsciously longed for an effortless romance. What they got was a journey into the unknown, an experience of real love and real intimacy, and they didn't know what to do.
Confused and scared, they came to us hoping to find a way to "work our way out of this mess — if possible." We assured them it was not only possible, but that their difficulty was a blessing in disguise. But, in order to reap the rewards, they both had to learn that real love exposes and burns away what is false, challenges all of us to face and accept who we truly and fully are, and, in the process, sets us free for a new kind of intimacy far richer than anything we previously imagined.
In the future, the "fittest" relationships will be the ones that can adapt to a new reality — the higher expectations of good communication, not mere survival.
— Warren Farrell
CONTINUED ON SIDEBAR
© Copyright 2001, Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D. |
