Tweeners and Boomerang Kids Have All Kinds of Temperaments

Dear Arlene,

I enjoyed reading your book online and wanted to let you know that I found your book reassuring - example: that each parent probably contributes 1/3 influence. Several statements resonated with me - such as "The question we must each consider is whether we accept in ourselves our own "possibilities, weakness, appetites, loves, lapses, brutalities, decencies." When we are able to do that, we will no longer need to project those qualities onto others. Then which race is "best" or "right" will no longer be an important issue."

Right now I am struggling with what action to take with an adult child who is living at home with no direction and no job. I will keep your website on my favorites list.

Olivia Henderson

Dear Olivia,

Glad my book has been able to be of help to you.

I don't have time for a long response so I'll just say what I often advise parents. I'll suggest "tough love." You don't say how old he is or what his skills are, but the question you may want to ask yourself is, "When will he learn how to be responsible for himself? This month? Next month? Next year? How will he learn?" Perhaps it's time to say, "Son, you have one month in which to find a job so that you can pay rent here or someplace else."

Then sit back and let him fume and fuss and claim you're too mean, or whatever he will say. He is probably like so many "tweeners" (so called because they're between teenage and adulthood). [Sometimes they're also called "boomerang" kids 'cause they tend to come back home after leaving the nest.] Somehow our society has created this new category of development, with many coming back home to live.

There is an interesting book I read recently called My Reality Check Bounced!: The Twentysomething's Guide to Cashing In On Your Real-World Dreams that talks to young people who have a problem of feeling adrift at that age. You may want to recommend it to him and then discuss it with him. Pardon my directness, since I don't know the situation, but I am guessing he needs a good swift metaphorical kick in the butt.

Arlene Harder

Dear Arlene,

Here is the story of our 27 year old son. I would appreciate getting your opinion of my situation. I wonder if you would think I am overreacting or if I have a legitimate worry.

He did well in college but since then, he has had virtually no direction. He was given an internship with Microsoft (his BS was in Computer Technology) but decided after it was over that he did not want to continue in that direction. This was huge - because he probably could have gotten a job with Microsoft if he had played his cards right.

After college he spent over a year working as a volunteer for organic farms around the country. There is a program for young adults who want to experience this lifestyle.

After he returned home he spent several months with us and then at our urging, found a room in a house with other guys his age. He was unemployed for a year and a half and had gone through all his childhood savings. At this point, I figured he wasn't going to look for a full-time job with a future and I finally suggested that he go to a temp agency - which he did that day. He had a job within a week - sorting mail for a large company. He seems to avoid responsibility at all costs. I now think he did not know how to go about looking for a job. He then found a web site for teaching English abroad.

For the past year he has been in Russia teaching English at a university in a large industrial city. He returned home a month and a half ago and we are back to him living at home. After a month, he applied to the same temp agency - again with no direction. Through another employment agency he did have a possible job offer (full time job) which he is debating about. The pay is probably more than a temp job would be. As far as I'm concerned IT'S A JOB, take it, especially because he does not have any other leads or ideas.

Stephen has overcome a childhood handicap : I knew he had some sort of problem from day one. Since he was born, I have worried about one thing or another because he was so different. During his childhood I had taken him to several specialists - with no diagnosis.

When he was 24, I found a website that described his condition and his childhood perfectly. He had a form of autism called Semantic Pragmatic Disorder. When he was growing up I had searched in vain for a diagnosis for his behaviors, going so far as traveling to the university's medical library and searching through various studies on neurological problems. At that time in the early 80's the label "autism" was reserved for the severely affected with rocking, flapping, and no eye contact or speech. This discovery was a godsend to me, just to know of the diagnosis and that there were others and that there was a prognosis for the future - that they outgrow the condition!

He did not speak fluently until he was in third grade and continued to have echolalia until this time as well as confusing "he" with "she" and various other speech problems. He spent 80% of his time alone with books or on the computer. In spite of all this, he did have a few friends and was invited to birthday parties. I think he had a sort of self confidence due to his intelligence in school. (although he would regularly forget to turn in his assignments) He was uncoordinated and too spacey for any type of sport. As a matter of fact "spacey" pretty much sums up his growing-up years. For a period of time including junior high and high school, he would have silent conversations with himself, moving his lips with his eyes darting all around. It was as if he was rehearsing both parts of a play in his mind.

Anyway, today he is 27 and his brain has obviously made new neurological pathways to make up for his deficits. He still has a few vestiges of the condition - problems probably connected in some way:

He has a problem being in places where it is noisy like restaurants and overly crowded events.

He has a trouble with eating a full meal - it will take him an hour and a half to finish a meal. I think this is somehow related to the sensitivity with his senses. It is a chore for him and many times will forget to eat until he is starving and as a result will become irritable. He is very slim.

He is not naturally social and still spends most of his time by himself.

But on the positive side:

He has many interests and is busy with them. For instance he can spend the day at the library reading about different science or history topics or he will write short stories and plays and loves to draw.

He can discuss almost any topic - he has a high IQ and a propensity for talking philosophically.

He is kind and respectful of all people. He asks our permission before using anything of ours and respects our home and our lifestyle. Every Mother's Day he lets me know how much he appreciates everything I've done for him and writes touching Mother's Day cards.

I am proud of him for overcoming his form of autism and I rejoice at his accomplishments, but I can't help worrying that his life will be one temp job after another. I worry that he might not ever know the joy of companionship and close friends. I have come to believe that his lack of motivation and direction is part of his general makeup and not connected to the autism.

I know that part of my problem is how to deal with questions from our friends and acquaintances. I still care what other people think - that's a hard one to overcome. Our friends are professionals and live comfortably and as it usually turns out, most of their children are heading in that direction as well.

My feeling that we must make him live on his own and deal with all the expenses of life and at this point he has very little money. It will be very awkward to ask him to leave because I think he feels very welcome in our home. If you have another suggestion other than what you wrote in your e-mail, I would LOVE to hear it!

I will find the book My Reality Check Bounced!. It sounds interesting.

Thanks much,

Olivia

© 2007, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT

CONTINUED CORRESPONDENCE

Dear Olivia,

My reaction, in addition to what I wrote earlier, is that everyone has their own path to walk. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't help someone who is stumbling, but we need to be careful that we don't assume they need our help when they don't.

Everyone has a different level of motivation (a different temperament, if you will) that greatly determines what path they want to follow. I think about my other son, Brad, who is a great fourth grade teacher. He loves it and does a wonderful job. He would also make a good principal. But he doesn't want to do that. Too many headaches in dealing with administration and grading teachers, etc. So he won't make more money, which he and his wife could use, but who am I to say that he needs to go all the way in his profession? I am proud enough of his teaching. I don't need to also have him climb the education ladder.

It may be that because of your son's type of autism, or simply, as you say, his lack of motivation, that he is simply not programmed to want to be the head of a company. I'm only using it as an example of some kind of occupation where he would have to place himself in a position where he thought he'd have to stretch too much, though I realize you're not saying that he has to stretch that far.

And it's important to remember that while you find companionship and close friends to be a joy, he may find joy elsewhere. Of course, along the way there may be a woman (or perhaps a man, if that is his choosing) who would fit very nicely with Jon's personality. Nothing you can do about it.

In looking at all the things he's done so far, I would say he will have a full life if he keeps it up — even if he does it through one temp agency after another. A year in China. How exciting. A philosophical bent with a high IQ. Sounds like you have a lot to be proud of.

Now you just have to deal with your sense of inferiority around your friends. I definitely know how that feels to me, but I've learned several things about that. One is that when I am able to live in the moment, I don't get caught in the worry about what will happen in the future or guilt about the past. It's not easy, but as I said when telling you about my last encounter with Dave, it made all the difference in the world in my being able to be with him without getting caught in the emotion of the distraught parent. Try it with your friends and see what happens.

Another thing I've learned is that as I become more and more comfortable with who I am and pleased with the progress I'm making to be the best I can be (without placing undo demands on myself), I am less concerned about what others think. This is particularly true as I focus on my own goals (like writing and designing websites) and less on whether my child has a goal I think would be good for him. Everyone has their burden and mine (and yours) are just more obvious than some others' are. On the other hand, they are only "burdens" if we let them be.

My advice? Enjoy your son. Give him a time when he will need to live on his own. Find out what he wants, what he wants to get out of life, without letting him feel that that isn't enough. As long as it's enough to pay his bills, that should be enough for you — if you want to have greater peace in your heart. God, or the universe, however you view these things, may have a different plan from him than you do.

Your job as a mother was to do the best job you knew how to help him develop his skills. "You done good," as we like to say in our family. That's all that's expected of you. Let him go. Your job in raising him is past.

Best wishes to you and your family,

Arlene Harder