A Good-bye Ceremony for Couples

BY LYNNE AZPEITIA, MA, MFT

A simple ceremony for couples who are breaking up, so they don't carry excess baggage into their next relationship.

There is an old Vietnamese saying, so I've been told, that it is a kind thing to help an elephant rise to his feet after he has fallen, but it is foolish to interfere with an elephant who is in the process of falling.

When applied to therapists, it might be said that we are often asked to pull together a relationship that is deteriorating so badly that nothing can prevent its collapse. That's because many couples don't seek therapy until their relationship has become distant, difficult or painful. Consequently, all these couples can think about is stopping the pain and ending their turmoil. [See the article What Motivates People to Change?]. By the time they reach my office, all they want to do is end the relationship.

Approximately 80% of couples who seek therapy at this stage will succeed in terminating their relationships. This doesn't mean therapy was unsuccessful, just that the relationship was too far gone to be saved. Had some of these couples sought professional help earlier, their relationships might have been salvaged.

Nevertheless, frequently therapy can be extremely valuable in helping couples who decide to end their relationships to separate as amicably as possible. Reducing emotional reactivity and fighting, sorting out differences, saying good-bye, healing hurt and learning from the experience are some of the benefits of this type of therapy.

Toward that end, there is one particular technique I use with couples that you may find helpful if you have decided to end your relationship and have been working on the issues related to that process. I call it the "Good-bye Ceremony for Couples." Here is how it works.

Place two chairs facing back to back and each of you sit in one of them.

Next you will go through an exercise in which you will complete several sentences, one sentence at a time, taking turns answering.

Repeat the sentence as many times as it takes until you run out of things to say, then you can start on the next one.

It is off-limits to complete a sentence with a comeback to the other's previous sentence.

It is also off-limits to argue or discuss what anyone said.

Here are the sentences, to be used in the order indicated, although either 1 or 2 can be first and either 4 or 5 can be fourth. (I recommend you print this page so you won't have to try and remember them, since this can be an emotional, although healing, experience.)

1. I resent _________________

2. I regret _________________

3. I remember fondly _________________

4. You still owe me _________________

5. I still owe you _________________

6. My good-bye statement to you is _________________

When the sequence is complete, simply say "good-bye" and silently move your chair one step away from your partner. Have at least a two-minute period of silence.

If you are working with a therapist in doing this, take a break or close the session at this point. Then, if there is another session, you can process what went on.

I have found this extremely helpful and would be glad to talk with therapists interested in using this technique. And if you choose to do this without a therapist, I wish you well.

© Copyright 2002, Lynne Azpeitia, MA, MFT

HEALING THROUGH LETTING GO

Letting Go. Releasing. Moving on. These are words that come to mind when holding on to the status quo becomes too painful or takes too much energy.

Even when we're ready, it's seldom easy to let go. But when we do, both we and the other person can become the people we were meant to be — loving without feeling we must control or be dependent on the other for our happiness.

The healing and release we feel when we're finally able to truly let go can't happen, however, until we allow a shift to occur within us, until we're ready for a new way of looking at things, a perspective that is expressed very well in the following poem called "What is Letting Go?"

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization that I can't control another.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another. It's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and to love more.

— Author Unknown