Letting Go of Our Adult Children
When What We Do Is Never Enough
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
This full-length book on dealing with grown children who haven't turned out the way we expected has been of great help to hundreds of people.
As many other parents have discovered, there are no guarantees that our children will turn out the way we expected. For starters, we may unintentionally fail our children in some fundamental way so they aren't really able to meet the standards we hold for them. Even more, because they have minds of their own, they can choose a lifestyle that we don't approve of or that we feel is less than they are capable of achieving.
Whatever the cause, in my case I had to deal with a son who became an alcoholic, chose for a time to live on the streets, and for a variety of reasons did not work for a living. As I struggled with tremendous guilt — and eventually came to terms with the reality of how my child had chosen to live his life — I realized that the road to letting go progressed through several essential steps.
I used this understanding in my private practice when I worked with parents whose grown children had a variety of problems. Then, incorporating what I learned from my clients and after interviewing many parents, some of whom were satisfied with the lives of their grown children, I wrote a book called "Letting Go of Our Adult Children: When What We Do Is Never Enough," published by Bob Adams, Inc. in 1994. Because the book is now out of print, I decided to put the entire book on the Internet (until I find time to print a second edition).
TWO VERY IMPORTANT NOTES
ONE: A great deal has happened in our family since I wrote this book.
Dave and Cat had a boy and we considered her two boys and him as equal grandchildren. Unfortunately, the oldest boy, who. like many teenagers, got in trouble and then worked his way out of it, had successfully finished a year of college when he was killed in a car accident in 2004. The young man who was driving was someone Eli had twice saved from drowning while surfing and it was a very difficult time for both families. If you would like to read about the memorial service which we created to reflect his life as well as we possibly could, see Planning a Fitting Celebration of a Young Man's Life.
Dave is still trying to pull his life together and I continue to use the lessons I discuss in this book to let go with love and still maintain contact, encouraging him to respond positively to life's challenges.
TWO: I realize that it's easy to copy material off the Internet and I give you permission to copy my book for personal use. However, since I've put a lot of effort into writing this book and making it available for free, I would sure appreciate your adherence to copyright laws. Thanks.
© Copyright 1994, Revised 2007, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
