LETTING GO OF OUR ADULT CHILDREN
Chapter 9: Closure When Reconcilliation Is Not Possible
Page 29
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Continuation of Chapter 9 of Letting Go of Our Adult Children, in which you can learn how to let go with love when true reconciliation is not possible.
The origin of your letter arises out of conflict, of course, and you will want to take plenty of time deciding what should be included and excluded. You don't want to fan the flames but to put them out.
While there are many approaches you can take in writing your letter, I offer the following as important guidelines.
Say why you are sending a letter at this time. Perhaps you may want to tell your child that after doing some work on your own issues you have decided to put past conflicts behind you by acknowledging those things that are unlikely to change.
Make certain that the letter is an expression of love.
Be honest in what you say and in how you say it. And remember that any attempts at manipulation are only likely to drive your child further away.
Be sure to tell your child that what you write is your perspective of what has happened and not necessarily "the truth."
Assume that your child is in pain over the rift in the family, even though he may seem not to care; a cavalier attitude can hide a great deal of pain. Let him know you understand that painful emotions are possibly the reason he has chosen not to be open to reconciliation and that you hope he is able eventually to find peace to heal his own pain.
Let your child know you recognize that he has a right to make the choices he has made and you also recognize that his choices are reasonable to him, even though you do not understand them.
Do not accuse him of ruining your life or causing you physical problems. (Although I had a back operation brought on by stress during a time when there was much turmoil over problems with Matthew, I have never blamed him for my inability to handle stress more effectively.)
Acknowledge that you influenced him in many ways when he was a child and accept responsibility for your part in the current problems between you. Do not, however, take all the responsibility in the hope that, by doing so, he will return to the bosom of the family. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.
Realize that your spouse or another significant person in your child's life also influenced him, both positively and negatively, and you may want to discuss that person as well. Be careful, however, to acknowledge that your view of that person is your own and may be distorted by your need to see that person in a particular light.
Let him know what you appreciate about him and how you hold onto the good times you shared. Do not, however, expect that just because your child enjoyed trips to the beach and family vacations that his perception of problems in your family cannot possibly be true.
Keep the door open for future contact, if you would like that to happen.
A Ritual for Goodbye and Closure
Rituals remind us of our connections with the past and open us to new adventures in the future. They can be significant passages between the different periods of our lives and the different roles we have played. Fortunately, there are rituals you can create for the closure of relationships, when you may need to change from being a parent who has had a relationship with a child to being a parent who no longer has that relationship. These ritual events are not unlike the ritual discussed earlier in which the process of grief is facilitated by releasing lost dreams through writing them on pieces of paper.
The following ritual is designed to encourage closure by celebrating the best of who your child was in the past and/or is now, even though you are not part of her life. This ceremony is especially helpful for relationships irrevocably broken by death. It can be done privately or can include others who have played important roles in your child's life. You may want to do this ritual only once or several times. Experiment to see what works best for you.
On the anniversary of your child's birth, or some other day that was important to both you and your child, set aside time to experience the love you had for her and what you have learned from the life you shared. Go to a place that was special for her, such as the park or the beach. Bring with you several things to help in the ceremony you plan: pictures you want to remember her by, a poem she liked, a copy of her favorite book, or a scarf in a color she loved. Sit down on a blanket or chair and imagine the spirit of your child is there and is receptive to what you say, glad you have taken this time to honor her.
Begin the "ceremony" by telling your child how you have loved her and what it is you have learned. You may want to read the story you have written and share what has been going on in your life while you have been estranged. Express your love, resentments, regrets, appreciations, dreams, and memories. Let your words reflect the desire that your child have a successful life and find peace for herself, just as you are finding peace for yourself. Remember that when people who have been good friends part company in strong disagreement, the greatest gift of love is when one sincerely wishes the other success. Do not worry if what you say isn't said perfectly. Your child's heart will understand. Your heart will also be listening, and healing.
The following examples offer a few ideas of the kinds of things you may want to say to your child.
"When you were very small, Sharon, I was sure that what I felt for you was love, but now I realize it was the love of possessing someone who would love me back, because I never felt really loved before. Now I see that what I thought was love may have suffocated you and driven you away. And so my lesson has been that children are not possessions. We must hold them gently and then release them to their own experiences. I let you go and wish you well."
"Jeremy, I have always loved you and always will, so it has been difficult for me to be separated from you all these years. I regret so terribly much the mistake I made in allowing your stepfather to come between us when I had a chance to make a difference in our relationship. I understand that you are bitter and that you feel it is better if I do not have contact with you. Since I want so much to include you in my life, I am very sad. When I see little children playing in the park, I cannot help but think of Alex and Bruce and wonder how much they have grown. I would like you to know that I now spend a lot of time with my neighbor's little boys, four and six, who love to come and have cookies. And we sometimes play that silly card game of Fish that you liked so much. I let go and hope you do well on your new job."
"Paul, our relationship was filled with conflict before you committed suicide, and your leaving has made life that much more difficult. We have been filled with anger, pain and guilt. Now I want to heal the rift that stood between us, a rift that may have been part of the reason you decided to take your life. I am deeply sorry you saw no other way out, but I realize you made that choice, I didn't. Since your death I have spent a lot of time not only remembering the love I tried to give you but learning about my role as a parent in your life. I have chosen this special ceremony to share my feelings with you and I believe that you can hear what I want to say Ñ and that both of us can now be at peace."
One Day at a Time
We have all heard the ancient Chinese saying that a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. A newer proverb sees progress in a little different way. This wise saying was created by Jeremy, the son of Paula Caplan, author of Don't Blame Mother. He noted that, "On a staircase there is only one real step. The rest are there only to help you along the way."
When you are tempted to become discouraged by the distance you have to go in closing a painful part of your life, remind yourself that all you can do is take one step after the other. And then stop every once in a while to look back and see where you have come from.
On the wall of a friend's house is a poster that says, "You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future." Remember that saying when you start fretting about what may happen in the years ahead. Live each day fully in the present, knowing that by doing so you will be better able to handle what tomorrow will bring.
When you bring healing closure to a relationship that seems blocked to reconciliation, new doors may open when you least expect them. And you will be ready for them.
© Copyright 1994, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT, Reprinted with permission
Table of Contents Previous Page Next Page
