Letting go of our adult children: Chapter 6, page 19

LETTING GO OF OUR ADULT CHILDREN

Chapter 6: The Velcro Syndrome

Page 19

Qualities Both We and Our Children Need

As we near the end of this discussion of Velcro issues, I want to point out an antidote to the development of Velcro — spiritual qualities essential for healthy living, Just as the fabric of our lives is woven in part from our temperament, the fabric also reflects the ways in which we express such qualities as integrity, courage, beauty, kindness, generosity, creativity, forgiveness, love, honesty, joy, patience, serenity.

It is true that some of these qualities are perhaps more easily achieved by those with one temperament than another and by those who are raised in families in which they were encouraged. Nevertheless, they are all available to all of us if we open ourselves to them. And the more of them we express the more we will experience the world, including ourselves and our child, from a more compassionate perspective.

Consider the case of Harriet and her son Paul on page 79-80. As you may recall, Harriet was disturbed because Paul lacked self-motivation and determination, traits she herself was missing. However, we could look at her story in a slightly different light; as one in which the problem stemmed from her lack of the quality of acceptance. She was not able to accept her son just as he was. Whether or not he accepted her was not the issue.

Not only do spiritual qualities make letting go easier, they can soften the conflicts that naturally happen when people with different lives and different points of view are related. For example, if we are flexible we don't become inordinately upset if our daughter has to change her plans and can't go on vacation with us. If there is joy in our lives, we are less likely to get bent out of shape if our child goes a bit overboard and enjoys playing more than studying or climbing the ladder of success. And like Kipling's Kim, if we can remain calm in the face of chaos, the upheavals in our child's life will not turn us upside down.

Removing Our Velcro

We can get out of the Velcro Syndrome as soon as we recognize that our opinions and behaviors (our piece of Velcro) get caught by our child's opinions and behavior (his piece of Velcro) AND we decide to do something about it. Identifying the problem is half the battle.

No matter what our particular Velcro issue has been, we can learn to accept our child without giving up our own values and beliefs. We can learn to stop insisting that our rules for behavior be followed, to relax some of the high standards we hold for ourselves and others, to be less concerned about what others think. We can learn to allow our child to define success on his terms and not ours, or to stop rescuing our child from the financial difficulties into which he often slides. We can learn to listen to what our child is trying to say without shutting her out just because her opinions seem bizarre and foreign, to stop using our child as a shield that hides our own needs. And finally, we can stop feeling guilty.

To approach life in a new way, to think, see and act differently, requires us to learn what we didn't know before. Fortunately, there is a phrase that can help us make that transition, especially if we have a tendency to kick ourselves for not having the hindsight we could have used long ago. The phrase is simply, "Up until now I haven't known how to . . . ."

This statement is very powerful in supporting change because it implies that, while it is true you may not have known something in the past, today you can tell yourself that, "Until now I haven't known how to end pointless arguments with my daughter." With this statement you affirm the real possibility that you can learn to stop tugging on the rope in a futile effort to get your child to see your point of view.

And when you have changed, you will discover that one of the best things about removing Velcro is the benefit you will experience in many parts of your life. If nothing else, you will expend a lot less energy defending your position, energy you can put to better use. And when you realize that there are many interpretations of truth, you may discover, as other parents have, that it is fun to have conversations with your adult children. You may even learn something from them in the process.

The best way I can end this chapter is to give you a poem by Portia Nelson that appears in Claudia Black's book. Repeat After Me. It describes what happens when we finally discover the way in which we are stuck and no longer need to be stuck, or, in the metaphor of the poem, when we no longer fall blindly into a hole.

An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in

I am lost . . . I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.