LETTING GO OF OUR ADULT CHILDREN
Chapter 6: The Velcro Syndrome
Page 15
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Note: This online edition is reprinted with permission. A paperback version is available for purchase from Learning Place Online.
A letter that appeared in an Ann Landers column illustrates how parents and their children can become involved in the strangest kinds of disagreements.
DEAR ANN: I realize that many people have problems that are much more serious than this one, but I'm so upset I just had to write to you. If I am too sensitive, please say so.
Several years ago, my first grandchild was born on my birthday. What greater gift could anyone receive than the birth of a healthy, beautiful granddaughter!
Unfortunately, this seems to have upset my daughter and son-in-law. They feel that their child should not have to share her special day with anyone. My birthday has never been mentioned since.
Several days ago, I was with my daughter and son-in-law on my granddaughter's birthday. I kissed her and wished her a happy birthday. I then told her that it was my birthday, too.
This angered my son-in-law. He abruptly turned around and walked away. My daughter became as cold as ice.
Ann, was I out of line? Did I diminish my granddaughter's day by mentioning that it was my birthday also? If I'm in the wrong, I will apologize. Please give me your opinion.
— A GRANNY IN NEW YORK
DEAR NEW YORK: Apologize? What for? You were born first.
Your daughter and her husband sound like a couple of spoiled brats. Since they obviously feel that you are horning in on their child's birthday, I suggest that you manage to be somewhere else on that day from now on.
If "Granny" was unsuccessful in talking with her daughter and son-in-law, which would be the most direct route to resolve the situation, then it makes sense to suggest she spend her birthday with friends or other members of the family. Having a daughter who refused to acknowledge her birthday is, of course, disappointing. Nonetheless, the problem may simply be one of those glitches that happen when people with different ideas arc in relationship with one another.
However, the birthday conflict could turn into a "Velcro issue" if Granny is so upset that she decides not to see her daughter any more (major ruptures are caused by smaller disagreements than this). And if she stirs up a hornets' nest by forcing relatives to choose between her and her daughter, she can turn an unpleasant situation into a horrendous family conflict. Then the only way out of the mess may be for her to explore why she has allowed her daughter and son-in-law to influence her happiness to such a great degree.
What is a "Velcro issue?" A Velcro issue is one in which a parent reacts intensely to her adult child's opinions or lifestyle either because of unexamined or unfinished business in her own life or because it is difficult for her to allow her child to make choices and express values that are significantly different from hers.
Not every parent who remains focused on her child has a Velcro issue. In some cases the parents primarily need to move on to the next stage and deal with grief and forgiveness. However, since we are all imperfect beings, we all have areas in our lives in which we are blind to our shortcomings or hold opinions that are unreasonable or insensitive to others. These imperfections are the "Velcro" of our personalities. They don't often bother us unless someone else, exposing his own Velcro, passes through our lives. Then we get hooked. Unfortunately, some of these people happen to be our children.
Interestingly, there is an important characteristic of this sticky stuff we carry around with us: a little piece can get caught almost as quickly as a large piece. Fortunately, it can also be removed more easily. The more diligently we work to remove our Velcro (the primary task of this third stage on the disappointed parent's path to healing), the easier it will be to avoid getting caught in a tug-of-war.
Although there are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of ways parents can get stuck, I have presented a few of the more common issues. They are not listed in any particular order of importance. However, I begin with perfectionism and self-esteem, since the combination of the two is a very common source of Velcro.
High Standards for Us — And for Others
When David first began using marijuana in high school, I would have described my self-esteem as a five on a scale of one to ten. Although I had already begun to work on my perfectionism, an outlook on life driven by the belief that I wasn't "good enough," I still had a long way to go. And as David's alcohol and chemical use continued and as he expressed a lifestyle and values that were very different from mine, I believed that he, too, was not "good enough." I wanted to accept him as he was, although I didn't believe that meant I had to approve of his drinking and drug use. I wanted to let him go freely, to stop my constant focus on what he did, or did not do, that society might, or might not, approve of. I wanted to have conversations that didn't end in arguments and disappointment for both of us. Somehow I couldn't. My low self-esteem kept getting in the way.
Perfectionists aren't the only ones with low self-esteem. However, since I am intimately acquainted with the dynamics of perfectionism, let me describe how this personality style develops a great deal of Velcro and how that Velcro gets hooked in many situations, not just with our children.
As the name implies, perfectionists are driven by extremely high standards. Wanting to do something well is not, in and of itself, a bad thing! It is just that perfectionists are caught between two polarities: omnipotence and impotence. No shades of gray. Only black and white. If they achieve their high goals, they can look down upon lesser achievers (which they imagine is almost everybody else) and feel on top of the world. Unfortunately, since perfectionists have limitations common to all humans, they are not often able to reach the high goals to which they aspire. What happens then? Generally they will feel like complete failures, worse than almost everyone else. It's a life with all the enthusiasm of an elevator ride, up and down, over and over again.
Not surprisingly, when perfectionists get tired of their need for perfection, they resent other people for setting the standards they've struggled to reach. What they fail to recognize, however, is that they, themselves, have chosen those standards — although, admittedly, their pattern for high achievement was laid down by others during their childhood. Nevertheless, they are unable to express resentment toward others; what would people think if they got angry? Instead, they turn their anger onto themselves, in the form of guilt, and onto others, in the form of judgment that others are inferior. How are others inferior? By not striving for, or achieving, the high standards they could achieve if they would only try.
Is this a portrait of what your inner life is like? It was mine for many years and I found it very burdensome. Now I see that my perfectionism became my Velcro because I was stuck in believing that I was not the perfect mother (as I was supposed to be) as long as David had problems. The idea of "uneven parenting" was not yet a concept I was able to accept. I even criticized myself for not changing rapidly enough. A better person would have been able to turn her personality around with less effort. And someone else would have handled disappointment in an adult child better than I did.
Fortunately, I kept plugging away at changing myself, and friends and colleagues encouraged my small successes. Eventually I was able to accept somewhat lower standards. In fact, I remember the day I first felt that I could be victorious over my perfectionism. I was in a grocery store and inadvertently knocked over a few small boxes. I decided not to pick them up. "Let the clerks do that," I said to myself. Now this may seem to you like a silly "victory." Perhaps you even think I should have stopped to straighten the shelf. For me, however, it was significant that I could be less than perfect and still feel I could be okay.
The opinions, values, and standards of others are, of course, important components in the development of a positive self-identity. However, I have learned, finally, to trust my own judgment as well — and to make sure that judgment is not too harsh. My willingness to set lower standards for myself has not only made my life easier, it has allowed me to do something I've needed to do for a long time — comfortably admit that I don't know everything. I can now ask questions without fear of being seen as incompetent.
Although I'm not yet as much of a non-perfectionist as I would like, I've come a long way. Nevertheless, I am convinced that my willingness to accept my perfectionism as a Velcro issue has been a major factor in helping me heal my pain and really let go with love. And although I suspect that David's situation has its roots in a lack of self-esteem, he must find his own path to achieving the self-esteem he needs.
Looking at Life Through Guilt-Tinted Glasses
A second cousin to perfectionism is the Velcro condition experienced by those who have a high "guilt-quotient."
Almost any of us can get stuck in trying to change our child because we feel guilty about this or that parenting mistake that might have contributed to our child's situation. For many parents, however, their guilt is not confined to their child. They feel guilty about almost everything they do. Unlike the Midas touch that leaves gold in its path, this personality characteristic leaves a trail of apologies and bad feelings wherever it goes. It's not surprising that such parents find it difficult to let go. And adult children discover that their parent's guilt is a particularly sticky substance allowing them little room to maneuver.
If you have tendencies toward the creation of guilt Velcro, you might want to see whether you can discover yourself in a list of "Twenty-One Characteristics of Unhealthy Guilt" compiled by Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., President of Mind/Body Health Sciences. As the title of her list implies, some kinds of guilt can be healthy. Our conscience should bother us when we cheat on our income tax, skip out on a debt, or lie to a friend. In fact, our society would be better off if some people developed a little more healthy guilt. But that's not the kind of guilt that creates Velcro for parents.
There is not, of course, an actual "guilt-quotient," based on the number of characteristics on the list with which you identify, that determines the volume of your unhealthy guilt. However, if you get to the end of the list with a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that Borysenko peeked into your psyche when she drew the list up, your task in this third stage of healing is to remove your guilt-tinted glasses and begin to see the world through more objective, clearer lenses. Fortunately, there are dozens of books that can help you deal with this trait, a trait that not only interferes with letting go of your child but also makes life much less joyful than it can be. (Dealing with guilt, incidentally, is where a therapist can be particularly helpful.)
1. I really know how to worry.
2. I'm overcommitted.
3. I'm a compulsive helper.
4. I'm always apologizing for myself.
5. I often wake up feeling anxious or have periods when I am anxious for days or weeks.
6. I'm always blaming myself.
7. I worry about what other people think of me.
8. I hate it when people are angry with me.
9. I'm not as good as people think I am.
10. I just have everybody fooled.
11. I'm a doormat.
12. I never have any time for myself.
13. I worry that other people are better than I am.
14. "Must" and "should" are my favorite words.
15. I can't stand criticism.
16. I'm a perfectionist.
17. I worry about being selfish.
18. I hate to take any assistance or to ask for help.
19. I can't take compliments.
20. I sometimes worry that I am being, or will be, punished for my sins.
21. I worry about my body a lot.
22. I can't say no.
The "Right" Way to Live
We may consider it silly that our friend complains because her daughter-in-law sets the table differently than she does. At the same time, we can create a tempest in a teapot over behaviors and opinions of our adult children (or their spouses and children) that seem perfectly natural and acceptable to our friends.
We may insist that Republicans, or Democrats, will be the death of America and can't imagine why our son could possibly vote for one of "them." We may consider people who watch sporting events to be stupid dolts wasting time they could spend on more "productive" activity. Consequently, every time we see our son or son-in-law in front of the TV, we are convinced he'll never amount to anything.
Inflating our opinions to a level of "rightness," even "righteousness,"they don't deserve, we create our own disappointment and distress far out of proportion to the significance of our child's situation. The tenacity with which we hold our views as correct and others as wrong becomes what we might call "the Velcro of opinions."
Differences between billions of people on the earth contribute to a kaleidoscopic world in which there are colors both brilliant and subtle and textures rough and smooth, harsh and soft. Yet there are many — too many, considering all the conflicts around the globe — who have difficulty thinking in any color but black and white. For these individuals the world is one-dimensional. And when such people are the parents of adult children who view the world in other colors, or at least in shades of gray, conflict is bound to ensue.
The following are some of the reasons we can insist that our opinions (and the behaviors based on those views) are "right" and the people who hold firmly to different opinions are "wrong" and "stubborn."
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© Copyright 1994, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT, Reprinted with permission
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