LETTING GO OF OUR ADULT CHILDREN
Chapter 5: Shifting Your Focus
Page 14
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Continuation of Chapter 5 of Letting Go of Our Adult Children, in which you can learn how to begin turning your attention from your child to yourself.
A Support System is Helpful, if Not Essential
When you have been engaged for a long time pulling on a rope and staring at the child on the other end, it is not easy to stop pulling and shift your focus away from your child. Even if your goals are clearly stated, you will need a strong support system behind you. This added strength is necessary not because you are weak but because old habits die hard. Besides, there's no reason why you should have to make this transition by yourself. If you already have people in your life on whom you can rely, well and good. If not, now is the time to seek out those people who can give you a nudge when you start to backslide into old habits.
Tell these people that you plan to stop whistling the old tune of here-we-go-again-with-this-old-family-argument. Tell them that you plan, instead, to sing a song that opens your heart to joy and peace. Informing others of your intentions sends a powerful message to them and to yourself. They and you will know that you are no longer willing to live your life controlled by the choices of an adult child. They and you will know that you do not intend to expend any more time on energy-depleting family conflict.
Family members often have a vested interest in how things turnout. For that reason they can be a strong, positive force reinforcing your intention to change. However, they can also sabotage your efforts if they want you to continue playing a role, such as martyr-rescuer, for reasons of their own. In that case you may need to rely more on friends. Friends can almost always view the situation more dispassionately. Listening emphatically, they can notice when you begin to hum your old monotonous tune and can encourage you to sing another song.
In addition to the support you receive from family and friends, there are others who can also play an important role in your determination to change. You can get a new perspective and encouragement from professionals trained to work with family issues, as well as from para-professionals who have not had extensive training but who, nevertheless, can be exactly the person you need in your comer. Whom you choose will depend on how much you can afford and on what you need.
Official letters, such as M.F.C.C., that follow a name are designed to convey information concerning titles, licenses and training. Understanding what some of them mean can help you become a wise mental health consumer. For example, if there is an M.D. and Ph.D. after a name, the person is a psychiatrist and able to write prescriptions for drugs to counter depression and anxiety. When there is only a Ph.D. after the name, that person cannot dispense medicine and may or may not be licensed as a clinical psychologist. Both licensed clinical social workers (with L.C.S.W. or L.S.W. after the name) and marriage and family therapists (who are licensed as M.F.C.C.s in many states) must have at least an M.A. and often have earned a Ph.D. It is prudent to check with your state board to verify that the person you want to see is qualified and has a current license.
Paraprofessional counselors at your local mental health center may not have attended graduate school, but they have received training in crisis counseling and in empathic listening. Many priests, ministers, and rabbis have had some training in family systems and can offer encouragement and excellent support. Even hairdressers and bartenders can provide an opportunity to air your problems, helping you see you are not alone. With such help you may discover new insights into your situation. And there are many support groups for men and women working through personal issues; the group does not have to be designed specifically for disappointed parents.
Remember that the quality of the person (or members in a group) you choose to assist you in your efforts to change cannot be judged by how much training they have had or how much or how little they charge. Generally, the more training the better, but it's not an absolute rule. You will know whether someone is right for you if she teaches you how to be more assertive, if she encourages you to look through new windows that your family and friends may not have thought about, if she guides you toward new behaviors, if she helps you become unstuck from tight places.
You should be aware that the people who might help you can themselves sometimes get tangled in what are called "counter-transference" issues. In other words, their own attitudes and unfinished family business can get in the way of their ability to view your situation objectively. For example, your therapist (or minister or hair-dresser or fellow group member) may imply, in not-too-subtle words, that you should take responsibility for your son's current problems. Perhaps he cannot see your parenting as only one of the factors that influenced your child's life because he is still very angry at his parents for mistakes they made. Remember that you deserve to be judged on the merits of your own case. Or the person working with you may short-circuit your healing process by trying to rush you through the grief you need to experience. Perhaps this person is unable to tolerate the pain you feel in being alienated from your daughter because she is afraid that she is losing a struggle she has with her own adult child.
I am not suggesting that professionals and paraprofessionals need to be anywhere close to perfect to be highly effective agents for change for disappointed parents. They do, however, either have to have their own family issues worked through to a significant degree or be able to set aside those issues when they are with their clients. You probably won't be able to recognize when the person you have asked for help is caught in a counter-transference issue. You will, however, be able to know whether or not you feel supported and understood by that person. If you can't develop a comfortable, trusting relationship with that person, for whatever reason, find another person or another group that suits you better.
Nevertheless, keep in mind that therapy is not a weekly ego massage to make you feel good. The purpose of reaching out for support is to help you become unstuck, to move on to what you need to be doing with your life rather than noticing how well your adult child is doing. You won't be able to accomplish that goal if you want a therapist or group who only agrees with you. We all need gentle, sometimes firm, nudges to help us change ourselves and resolve family conflicts.
Surround yourself with people who believe you can change and who encourage your efforts to make that change.
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© Copyright 1994, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT, Reprinted with permission
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