Remaining Friends With Someone Who Has a Terminal Illness
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
How do you continue to show your care for a friend with a terminal illness?
A common problem for many cancer patients is a deep sense of feeling alone and isolated. All too often people they considered "friends" suddenly become strangely absent. The rejection may stem from an irrational fear about cancer or an unwillingness of that person to face his or her own mortality. More often, people simply don't quite know what to do. Therefore, if you want to support your friend when she is in need, just as you would want her to support you if you were in a similar situation, here are a few suggestions.
 Visit as frequently as possible, even if it's only for a few minutes. New faces help break the boredom and distress of being house bound or in the hospital. However, watch for clues that she is getting tired or is in discomfort or pain that would make further visiting unwise.
Raise topics of conversation about the world beyond cancer treatment. She may be tired of having to discuss the details of her operation or treatment for the umpteenth time for every person who comes to visit. New topics expand her world and are almost always welcome.
Remember that the greatest gift you can give is to be an "emotional sponge." This means you are willing to listen carefully with your heart and absorb whatever distress she is willing or able to share. You don't have to talk and fill all the empty space between you. Simply listen -- even if that means listening to her fear about the future. Don't worry if you can't take away her fear; it will always be there to one degree or another. You can, however, let her know that she is not alone.
When you enter her house or hospital room, be prepared to take in whatever you may encounter. If she is having a grumpy day and complaining a lot, don't take it personally. She has a right to her up and down days just as everyone does.
Tell hopeful stories. It would not be surprising if your reaction to your friend was based on experiences that happened to your grandmother and on stories you heard years ago. Unless you have had a reason to learn about cancer treatment, you may not know about advances in survival rates nor about new drugs that can counteract side effects. Consequently, in a desire to show your friend that you understand her situation, you may unintentionally share stories that are not supportive of her need to be hopeful.
When you can't visit, send a note about what you've been doing. If you think you might be stuck on what to say, as you go through your day notice all the things you would have shared with her if you were together. Then enclose a poem, joke, article or picture you think she might enjoy. It will expand her world and is an easy way to remind her that there are friends who care about her.
Don't be afraid to phone when you get a chance. If you are hesitant to call because you're afraid you'll wake her from a nap, you might ask your friend or her caregiver when would be a good time. Of course, if she is recovering from surgery or is experiencing fatigue from treatment, she might be asleep off and on throughout the day. It may be hard for anyone to predict the absolutely best time. However, with telephone answering machines that can screen calls and others in the house who can run interference if necessary, it is usually better to risk awakening your friend than to unintentionally contribute to her sense of isolation.
Volunteer to go with your friend for her doctor's appointments or outpatient treatment. She may very much appreciate your physical and emotional support, especially if she would otherwise have to go alone or wait by herself.
Take your friend out to lunch, a movie or shopping. She may feel that her entire life revolves around medical appointments. When you plan fun things to do with her, you acknowledge that she is more than her disease.
Offer to stay with her while her spouse or primary caregiver runs errands. This can not only give the caregiver a chance to get away for a while, it can give your friend a change as well.
Offer to be a communications liaison for the family. You can be a great help to both your friend and the primary caregiver if you called all the people who are interested in the results of your friend's test or treatment.
Offer to get information and run errands. Almost always you will find that caregivers have more to do than they have time and energy.
Ask how the caregiver is doing, since his or her needs are often overlooked in the attention given to the person who is sick. Let him or her know you understand how tough a job it is to be a constant caregiver.
Choose gifts that fit. When you consider getting a gift for your friend, you might want to remember what George Bernard Shaw once said: "Don't give unto others what you would have them give unto you; they may not have the same tastes." We all like gifts that show thought behind the choice.
Don't give more than you can. You don't have to buy flowers you can't afford or make a batch of homemade cookies and a casserole if you don't have time (and certainly if you don't have the talent). Your friend is likely to feel your resentment if you are doing something just because you feel you "should." Simply letting your friend know you care in one or more of the ways we've suggested will be greatly appreciated.
© Copyright 1997, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
