Working Mothers: Handling Multiple Roles

Judith A. Owens, MA was formerly the Director of Center for Relationships' New Jersey offices, and a Senior Staff Therapist, September 19, 2005

Reprinted with Permission of Center for Relationships

As a working mother myself, I have a special interest in the growing number of women in my therapy practice who are parenting and holding down paying jobs. The increasing numbers of these hard-working women in the general population is reflected in the moms coming through my doors, either for individual, family or couples therapy. Sometimes the stress of these dual roles is central to the issues bringing women into my office. A single mother who struggles with her children’s needs, demands of her job, and her own sense of isolation comes immediately to my mind. A young couple working through the aftermath of an affair, trying to rebalance the tasks of raising their children and find time for each other is another clear example. 

But other times I meet women who seem to have figured out how to “juggle” these complex needs with some grace and humor. They are able to enjoy their growing children, participate in their activities and schools, and still find time for their marriages and other relationships, their own needs as individuals, and feel competent on the job. While some “superwomen” seem to be ignoring one of these areas at the cost of the others, a few remarkable people appear to be doing everything very well. 

I myself often feel frayed. Some days, no matter where I am or what I’m doing, I feel pulled to be somewhere else, doing more than I seem able to do. Those days I feel the role of working mother is impossible, and one our culture should work to remove from the list of options available. In more optimistic moments, I wonder what makes those women who seem more able to handle these multiple roles so successful. Here are some observations: 

1. Many successful working mothers have strong support systems. They may have nearby parents ready and willing to pitch in with childcare, laundry and meals. Often their partners are not just “helping”, but are participating as equals in the work. Other families have the means to hire the necessary workers, and find people they can trust and depend on. 

2. Flexible work situations is another common trait. Women who can easily and with few negative repercussions take a day off with a sick child, or an evening for a school concert, have a valuable stress-reducing aid. 

3. Supportive, loving marriages and other close relationships seem important, too. Women who are not isolated emotionally, and who feel their efforts are appreciated, can accomplish more than women who are isolated. 

4. For some women, a strong faith community gives them necessary support and resources. They speak of their spiritual lives and participation in the life of their churches or synagogues as sources of power and inspiration. 

5. A “funny bone” may also be helpful. Women who can find humor in their situations seem more resilient and able. I’m not sure which condition comes first, but I have observed that perspective and frequent deep laughter do go along with success. 

Depending on our life situations, a list like this can be good news or bad news. However rich or depleted our resources may be, working mothers are becoming the norm. Our contributions to the workplace, the nation’s economy, and the welfare of the next generation depend on how well we balance the jobs we are undertaking. 

So what are some signs that your coping strategies may need some improvement? Just as there are many ways women find support and strength, there are also many indications that you may benefit from help. For some working mothers, their children are the “early warning signs”. When your children become more clingy, more oppositional, or show less interest in activities that have been important to them, one possibility to explore is that they are feeling a need for more of you. In other families, the working mom may suddenly feel overwhelmed by basic tasks: the dozen loads of wash you normally toss off in a Saturday may become an unbearable burden. For still others, a chronic headache or other physical symptom that doesn’t seem to have an explanation may be a signal. Sometimes partners or work supervisors give feedback that indicates a problem. Within an intimate relationship, unusual levels of conflict or the loss of interest in sex may be a sign of stress. Sudden weight loss or gain, or changes in your sleep patterns, can also be indicators. 

Learning to read your reactions to stress, your danger signs, and the steps that will bring you back to successful coping are important life tasks. And sometimes, finding a trustworthy, affordable, nearby therapist may be part of your success story.

© Copyright Sept. 19, 2005, Center for Relationships

CAT PARABLE: A STORY WORTH REPEATING

I found the following story on Paul Foreman's delightful website Inspiration Moonfruit, together with his drawing of a cat chasing its tail. He said it came from an audio program of Wayne Dyer and was originally from C L James "On Happiness" in "To see a world in a grain of sand" by Caesar Johnson.

With all the telling and re-telling, you know there's a message here that's worth repeating.

It was a condensation website was told by Wayne Dyer and repeated by Paul Foreman, who had an illustration of a cat chasing its tail.

Once there was a little kitten chasing its tail because it was told that's where happiness is. It kept rushing round and round in circles.

"If only I could catch up with it - I would be happy," said the kitten.

A wise old cat strolled by and asked the kitten what it was doing.

When the kitten explained that he was chasing happiness the wise old cat said, "I used to chase after happiness once, but now, I just get on with my life and happiness always follows me."