Designing a Guilt-Free Holiday Season
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
If you tend to burden yourself with designing a perfection holiday, here are some tricks for getting out of the guilt-producing mode.
When You Think You're Not Good Enough
Guilt creates more problems during the holiday season than the combination of a UPS strike, a power outage on the night of the school play, and a turkey that failed to thaw on time. That is because this is the time of year when it is assumed that people will demonstrate love, good will, and generosity to all. That's a tough order for many of us when we're trying to juggle work, family, community activities — and still find a little bit of time for relaxation and renewal.
For people (primarily women) who are afraid they won't be loving enough, show enough good will, or be generous enough, the season's expectations are a particularly heavy burden. Knowing they're flawed, but wanting to hide that fact from others, they try ever harder to give their maximum effort in all they do. Dashing from one hectic activity to another, they act as though they were appointed God's special assistants, doing lots of things they wouldn't chose to do if they didn't feel such pressure to perform.
Believe me, as someone whose gift-wrappings thirty-five years ago were photographed because they were so stunning, I understand this dynamic all too well. Now that I'm a recovering perfectionist and have even been known on occasion to give a gift in a brown paper bag (horrors!), I would like to offer you some suggestions for avoiding the pitfalls of taking ourselves too seriously.
The Benefits of Discarding Unhealthy Guilt
Guilt is a difficult habit to break. That's because it finds a thousand opportunities to whisper into your ear, "If you were really good enough, smart enough, and caring enough, you wouldn't have let that happen." It doesn't matter what "that" is. As Cornelia Otis Skinner once said, "Women keep a special corner of their hearts for sins they have never committed."
Of course, over the years I've had a few male clients who could match women guilt for guilt. Nevertheless, it is primarily women who have taken on the responsibility of seeing that the holidays are "perfect" and, therefore, they are usually the ones who need to explore why they feel guilty if their plans don't work out as they hoped.
Please note: I'm talking here about unhealthy guilt. There are some kinds of guilt that are necessary for civilization to function. And some people could stand to feel a lot more guilt than they do if the investment debacle is any example.
Since unhealthy guilt is fueled by the sense that who you are isn't "enough," one of the best routes out of the pit of guilt is simply to accept yourself as you are, warts and all. I know, it sounds easier said than done. But trust me. It's really possible. [See Five Kinds of Guilt.]
To begin this process, notice when the self-deprecating voice in your head says you "should" have known how to do something you had no way of knowing how to do . . . that you "should" have found the time to do something for someone who "needed" you, even though there wasn't enough time . . . that you "have to" have the best menu ever or your guests won't have a good time . . . that you don't deserve to take time for yourself or to be in control of your own life . . . that other people are better, smarter, and more clever than you are . . . that you "shouldn't" stand up for yourself because others won't like you. I'm sure you get the point. That persistent voice can find a hundred things to whisper into your ear and keep you feeling pressured and guilty.
When that happens, you say back to the voice inside, "I AM enough." Gradually you will begin to actually believe it. And you can add a strong boost to that voice if you learn to forgive yourself for those mistakes in which it's appropriate to feel guilty. If you need help in doing this, please read Lightening Your Load of Guilt by Forgiving Yourself.
Once you talk back to the unreasonable voice of unhealthy guilt, you will discover something wonderful. By accepting yourself just as you are, even though Martha Stewart might be able to create a more stunning holiday centerpiece, you will be amazed to discover that it's a whole lot more fun liking yourself and enjoying what YOU want to do. When you love yourself, your inner beauty will shine. When you let go of unhealthy guilt, you will have sources of energy that you previously expended in trying to be someone else, an effort which is not only energy depleting — it's impossible.
Most of all, with a new and more positive perspective, you'll be a lot more relaxed . . . which will make you more fun to be around . . . which will put other people at ease . . . which will help them enjoy themselves . . . which means they'll like you a whole lot, 'cause everyone likes people who help them have a good time. Very soon, your family and friends will notice that what you have to offer them is the gift of being the best you, which is the greatest gift you can give anyone.
To continue countering the negative comments of your inner critic, I suggest that in addition to the statement "I AM enough," that you select one of the affirmations below for each day of the holiday season. [To learn why it helps to work on only one goal personality at a time, see Learning From Wise Ben Franklin.] Next, write this statement on several post-it notes and stick them wherever you are likely to see them, like the bathroom mirror, the refrigerator and the car's dashboard.
 My best is good enough.
Because I choose to be kind to myself and to my body, I select only those activities which allow me to comfortably plan them, accomplish them and enjoy them.
My needs are met because I discriminate between my needs and desires and the needs and desires of others.
The activities to which I commit myself reflect a reasonable, sensible time frame, with plenty of opportunity for rest, relaxation and contemplation.
The needs of others are no greater than my needs.
I choose to have _____ (a person) be responsible for _____ (whatever he or she is supposed to do).
Because I stay focused and present in each moment rather than worrying about the future, each moment has the potential for excitement, joy, peace, nurturance or any other quality I need.
Every morning I joyfully look forward to what will unfold and appreciate my ability to handle any challenges as they arise.
I accept compliments by saying simply, "Thank you. I'm glad you like ________."
I am doing the best I can at this point in my life, cannot do what I haven't yet learned how to do, and look forward to learning in the future.
What others do or say and what they have makes them different from me — not better or worse, just different. They do not need to meet my standards or expectations and I do not need to meet theirs.
"Must," "should," and "have to" are being removed from my vocabulary and being replaced with "prefer." For example, instead of saying that, "I must get the cards addressed and sent by December 10," I can say, "I prefer to get the cards done by that date, but my life won't fall apart if they are sent later."
Unless a mistake of mine requires me to apologize and to make amends, I assume that errors in judgment (that is, when my good intentions miss their mark) are a normal part of human nature and I accept them as part of who I am. Then I move on.
People have a right to be angry. That includes me. The sky will not fall down if someone expresses anger, although I will protect myself and others from physical harm in such encounters.
Taking care of my needs is not selfish, but self-care. When I take care of myself, I have the energy, time, and ability to choose when I might want to meet the needs of others from time to time.
© Copyright 1998, Revised 2003, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
