Gathering the Family for Love and Healing
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
What do you do when your family is less than perfect and a get-together is being planned?
When Your Family Isn't Perfect
Loving support, according to researchers, is an essential ingredient in health and healing. So how is it that family gatherings often seem far from health-promoting? Although they may have elements of fun, why can they also drive you crazy? The answer is simple. Your family is made up of people. And people, even those we love, have very human traits that are sure to drive someone crazy at one time or another. Getting all the family together can be highly stressful for many people.
Part of the problem, of course, is that many of us have to travel long distances for family reunions. Years ago, when families lived near one another, there were more opportunities to share in one another's joys and sorrows. You could watch your nieces and nephews growing up right before your eyes. Disagreements had time to get themselves worked out in small bits and pieces.
Now holidays are often the only times for face-to-face discussions, the airing of differences, and the acknowledgment of milestones passed during the year. Consequently, tensions can be exacerbated because so much is jammed into such a short period of time.
Despite your family's history to the contrary, we believe it is possible to have a family reunion that is loving, healing, and nurturing — without unnecessary stress.
At Least Be Glad Your Family Isn't Boring
As much as it may simplify matters to have everyone agree on everything, can you imagine what it would be like if no one knew anything you didn't know? You couldn't discover new recipes, share advice on stocks, or learn about a new book or movie. What if everyone's experiences were exactly the same? Telling about your white-water rafting trip would fall on deaf ears because everyone else would know exactly what you experienced.
No, it's really better, and often a whole lot more exciting, to have your world expanded by different opinions and experiences. Besides, when you realize how great it is to have family members who aren't all the same (and if you genuinely appreciate the fact that no one is perfect), it's easier to forgive the trespasses of others, just as you hope they will forgive yours. This doesn't mean you have to tolerate unacceptable behavior because these people are "family." But giving people a bit of leeway goes a long way in creating a more loving atmosphere. Besides, your family probably isn't any more capable of completely setting aside its foibles and frailties than the next family. No matter how perfect the neighbor's family seems on the outside, I can almost guarantee they have their share of what someone once called "irregular" relatives.
A Time to Heal Old Wounds
Holidays and gift-giving are synonymous. Usually we think that means buying and wrapping gifts. Yet the greatest gift of the season is, I believe, the chance to let bygones be bygones. This is dramatized very well in the television play "The Gathering," which is the story of a successful businessman, Adam Thornton, (played by Ed Asner) who learns he has only two or three months to live. Suddenly his priorities become very clear and he wants to reconnect with his children, from whom he has been more or less estranged.
Although he's not celebrated Christmas for a while, believing it too commercial, he and his wife (Maureen Stapleton) from whom he's separated, plan a holiday family reunion. Without going into details, I can tell you that all of his children come, misunderstandings get straightened out, and apologies are made. The celebration becomes a time for healing the soul, if not the body.
If there are rifts in your family, this may be the year to heal old wounds. As September 11th demonstrated, no one has a guarantee that they will be here several years down the road to resolve long-festering family feuds.
But you may wonder if your family gathering could possibly turn out as well for you as it did for the Thornton's on TV, especially if you haven't been given a script to follow. I have good news for you. You can write your own fence-mending script! You may need some coaching, of course, so I suggest you read the following (or at least skim to the end) and also visit Reunionsmag, an excellent site for help on planning a family reunion.
Use the KISS method
In case you don't know, that stands for "Keep It Simple, Silly." Long lists of too much to do or buy or see creates exhausted people — who just may spend the first weeks of the new year recovering from the cold they caught because they were stressed out.
Take mini-vacations before, during, and after the family gathering
No, you don't need to leave town. I'm talking about using a very light form of transportation — your breath — that can carry you to a quiet, relaxing space within, a place where you can be renewed.
Be flexible
Plan for the unexpected. If you schedule every minute (before and during the event) and something goes wrong — which it is guaranteed to do at some point, usually the most critical one - you are more likely to panic.
Write "DON'T PANIC" on the top of your to-do list
Remember, this event is only a brief period in the wide sweep of your life and in the lives of your family and friends. It won't matter in five or ten years that your sister forgot the holiday tablecloth and napkins, even though she promised to bring them. I once hosted a dinner in which my husband thought he had turned on the oven containing frozen lasagna. Wrong. When I checked, it was still frozen solid. So we started dinner with dessert, which didn't seem to ruin our appetites for the main course when it was finally hot.
Spend a quiet day or evening all by yourself
The hitch in this suggestion is that when you're spending this time by yourself that you aren't allowed to spend any of it doing holiday planning. An evening of writing greeting cards by yourself doesn't count. When you create the space and time for renewal, you will be amazed how much more you will get done the next day.
Ask for help when you need it !!!
Doing all the decorating by yourself . . . driving out of your way to pick up the dessert, although your son has his license and is lounging in his room . . . washing pans in the kitchen while everyone else is laughing in the living room, may give others the impression you enjoy doing it. But unless you really, really, really get more pleasure from washing pans than you would from laughing with the family, open your mouth and ASK. Chances are that deep down you resent it. Also, chances are that others would gladly do many of the jobs you keep for yourself — if they only knew you wanted help. Keeping quiet does more than make you feel like a martyr. It allows others to take advantage of you year after year.
Pitch in
This rule applies to visiting relatives and members of the host family who are usually willing to let mom or dad do all the work. Even though you may want to laugh with your cousins in the living room, be aware that Aunt Bell possibly may not enjoy washing pans alone, even if she hasn't asked for help. The camaraderie of sharing kitchen duties makes light work of what might otherwise be drudgery. You just might do a bit of laughing in the kitchen.
Relax
Treat your family like you treat your friends
Too often we drop our manners (those we easily remember when we're with friends and acquaintances) as soon as we arrive at the door of a relative. Somehow we assume that we can be "comfortable" with these people and that we've been given carte blanche to act "at home" — meaning we say and do things we'd never tolerate from people outside the family. The admonition to "practice random acts of kindness" is as important within the family home as it is outside.
Invite friends
Including a co-worker who is alone at this season is not only generous. It mitigates against the tendency, noted just above, for certain members of the family to get into arguments. When non family is around, if they do get into heated arguments, the heat will almost always be turned down to a more civil level.
Compliment your family
In our heart of hearts we want to know whether we really count for something, both inside and outside our family. We don't want to be taken for granted. So it's always nice to receive a compliment. However, this suggestion goes beyond telling your mother that you enjoy those absolutely fabulous cookies that require twelve steps to perfection. She also needs to know that you appreciate the time she took from her busy schedule to baby-sit so that you and your husband could go shopping. And remember, while your aunt may be glad you liked her gift, she may be even more pleased if you say, "I'm really glad you're my aunt." This kind of expression validates another person just for being who they are, not for what they do.
See others as they are today
Remember that people grow up. A series of cartoons in a November magazine years ago offered humorous scenes of a family Thanksgiving dinner. In one of them, a poised teenager walks gracefully down the staircase and the hostess whispers to her husband, "Honey, I think we better move Abigail's place card from the child's table this year." The same kinds of observations apply to changes in adults. If we automatically react to Cousin Gretchen as we have in the past, we may fail to notice that she's changed a bit. After spending a lot of effort in therapy, she may want to be treated as the new person she is becoming.
Let bygones be bygones
Do the squabbles of childhood really matter today, decades later? Of what importance is the disagreement you had last year? Life is potentially too short to hold grudges for long. Even if you're right as rain about a family disagreement, does it really matter that your view prevails? Start the family's New Year with a clean slate.
Relax
Give people space to be themselves
Not everyone likes to watch the Tournament of Roses, play hearts, or listen to that tape Uncle Gus thinks is terribly funny. Allowing lots of different activities honors the individuality of each person.
Make exceptions to accommodate special needs
Sore feet may prevent Aunt Annie from taking the traditional after-dinner walk in which everyone has always participated. But that doesn't mean everyone now has to stay home. In fact, she may be glad to put her feet up and take a snooze while the rest of you are gone. Remember the suggestion above. Be flexible.
Take advantage of the occasion to create an oral history event
As I noted above, life is precious and shouldn't be taken for granted by any of us. Now is the time to use the camcorder and tape recorder for more than opening gifts or taping the church choir. Use your family gathering as an opportunity to create a priceless legacy for children and grandchildren. In a separate, quiet room, interview the older members of the family, asking questions about their childhood, where they met their spouse, what they did during the war, etc. (See Advice From Professional Interviewers and Life Review Interview Questions).
Remember what's really important
In the rush to bring the perfect gift and to create the perfect holiday reunion, don't forget that love is the perfect glue that binds families together. Lots of love, forgiveness, tenderness, and respect for other views can go a long way toward creating a genuinely healing family event.
Relax
Enjoy the fruits of your labor
© Copyright 1998, Revised 2002, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
