Holiday Energy Boosters and Drainers
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Do the holidays add to your stress or boost your energy? Here are ways to let the light shine through with days that are pleasant, not stressed.
Note: Later in this article I suggest you write something next to certain items, so it would be good for you to print this page.
Letting the Light Shine Through
About twenty years ago, I had the great good fortune of spending three days at a workshop with Joseph Campbell on "The Mystery of the Essence of Life." We met in the chapel of a convent near Santa Barbara, California, that has been converted into a conference center. In discussing the difference between living and dead symbols (and between living and dead rituals), he pointed to a dove in the stained glass windows on the wall.
"We use the dove as a symbol of spiritual and physical peace," he noted. "Yet the essence of the symbol is not the dove itself. It is the light that shines through the dove. If we get caught in the symbol itself, we lose its essence."
I'll never forget that lesson. I can still see the light flooding into the room and often think of it when I watch people take part in old rituals that no longer have meaning for them. I think of it when I have been so busy buying or making greeting cards — with a beautiful picture of a dove and a message of peace — that I don't have time and energy to allow beauty and peace to shine into my own heart.
How can you move past those activities that perpetuate traditions empty of meaning for you and create, or perhaps reconnect, with the potentially rich purpose and substance in this season? How can you let the light shine through again? You do it by taking a good, hard look at the way you've celebrated holidays in the past.
Begin by turning off your automatic pilot, take is, by taking an honest, clear-eyed look at all those holiday activities you have previously done automatically. Then you can consciously explore what there is about certain holiday activities that allows you to experience them as "energy boosters." Participating in them is well worth the effort.
Similarly, you will realize that other activities are "energy drainers," such as the "obligatory" annual party with people who drink too much and talk too loudly. You always end up wishing you stayed home.
Examining the Way You've Always Done It
Got your auto pilot turned off? Good. The next step is to take a deep breath, relaxing as fully as possible, and allowing your imagination to return first to childhood holidays and then to more recent years. Experience as fully as you can the smells, sounds, tastes, colors, and sensations of days filled with activity and people.
Now carefully go through each item below. Revel in those that bring you pleasure and remember the work and stress of others.
____ Shopping for gifts
____ Giving gifts
____ Getting gifts
____ Selecting or making greeting cards
____ Writing notes on the cards
____ Receiving holiday greetings
____ Planning and giving holiday get-togethers
____ Attending family get-togethers
____ Purchasing food
____ Baking and cooking
____ Eating holiday food
____ Making and putting up decorations
____ Seeing the decorations of others
____ Singing traditional songs of the seasons
____ Attending spiritual and religious events
____ Attending secular events
____ Participating in charity events
When you're through reviewing "the way it's always been," it's time to evaluate each of these activities, to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. At this point, just write one word on the line in front of each one. (That's why printing this page was a good idea.)
First, write a big "YES" next to those that most clearly express what the holiday season means to you and that you most thoroughly enjoy doing. These are the activities of giving, receiving, planning, and participating that boost your energy. You look forward to including them in your holiday plans because doing them leaves you with a warm, cozy feeling and a sense of deep peace that sets the stage for healing. In remembering the pleasures of such activities, however, don't forget to include in your evaluation the work necessary to make them successful!
Next, write a big "NO" in front of those things you only do because you've somehow fallen into the habit of doing them, or because you think others expect it of you. Notice how even thinking about them is draining. When you say "no," especially if you've been a yes-person much of your life, your "yes" will have much more value.
Finally, give a "MAYBE" to the rest, with the caveat that you'll consider them if you have time. Don't worry if the time never materializes.
If you need help in deciding what word you want to write, ask yourself one simple question as you go through each item.
Will I — or anyone else — really and truly not enjoy the holidays if I fail to do this activity, or to do less of it than I have in the past?
For example, imagine you have already invited a group of dear friends for your traditional holiday dinner. This year you don't have the time or energy to bake your own bread, which is a specialty of yours. You decide to buy some from the local bakery. Will your friends enjoy themselves less? Will their dinner be ruined because you didn't exhaust yourself and go all-out to make the evening "perfect?" If the answer is yes, your friends need to get a life. But I bet they are tickled pink to be included in this event and would gladly eat off paper plates just to be with you again!
Genuine friends don't want you to exhaust yourself by doing more than you can. They want you to have a peaceful and healing holiday.
Saying "Yes" With Enthusiasm and "No" With Firmness
1. Recognize that you are in charge. No one can hold a gun to your head and demand you have expectations you can't fulfill. Some may want you to continue as you have in the past because they've benefited from your efforts. But if you don't want to stand over the stove and stir a quadruple batch of caramels, no matter how much your family may enjoy them, you can't be forced to do it against your will.
2. Say a clear "yes" to those things that bring pleasure to your life. Put your list where you and others can see it. Then you will all be reminded of your intention to only do those things that give you energy and bring you joy.
3. Say a clear "no" to those who would dictate how your holiday unfolds. This includes parents, children, friends, and advertisers. Saying no will be difficult, of course, if you have a high guilt-quotient and low self-esteem. Therefore, to lower your quotient and raise your self-confidence, be sure to read Designing a Guilt-Free Holiday Season.
By making conscious choices, and not just going through the motions, you will have a holiday season truly filled with joy, love, hope, and laughter. However, should you find yourself caught in the minutia of the season, stop and turn off your automatic pilot. Then you can let the light of peace and healing shine through again.
© Copyright 1998, Revised 2003, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
