A Father's Apology to His Son

BY JOYCE AND BARRY VISSELL

Reprinted with permission

Hal, a participant in one of our workshops, felt moved to write the following letter to his now 24-year-old son, who he had not seen in over a year.

Dear Brian,

I need to apologize to you for some big mistakes I made in my fathering. I hope this allows us to feel closer to one another. My greatest hope would be for you to forgive me.

Although we have never talked about it, there were maybe half a dozen times in your childhood when I struck you in anger. One of those times stands out sharply in my memory, and I imagine in yours as well. I think you were about eight. I came home from a job that I hated, more frustrated than usual. You were throwing a ball in your room, which I had previously told you not to do. I heard the crash of broken glass and ran into your room to see you had just broken your window. I lost it and started hitting you, even several times in the face. I think it was the worst as well as the last time I have ever beaten you. Afterwards you were crying and I felt terrible, but I never let you know my remorse or apologized for my cruel actions.

I want you to know how sad I feel for every time I hurt you, but especially for that one particular evening. It weighed heavily on my heart for many months, and over the years it has caused me much grief. I have often judged myself a bad father because of that episode alone.

I want you to know it was never your fault when I hit you. No child deserves to be hit by a parent or anyone else. I was needing to let you know how upset I felt in each situation. I was needing to express my anger, my disappointment with words rather than my hands. But I had never learned this from my own father. What I did to you I learned from him. It's terrible how abuse can get passed down from generation to generation. My greatest hope is that this terrible legacy stops with you.

Although I believe I never hit you again after that night, it has taken me till now (with help) to understand that it is never too late to apologize and ask for your forgiveness. I am so very sorry for taking out my own frustrations on you. It was clearly wrong for me to ever hit you. I need your forgiveness, and also understand you might need time to forgive me. Someday you may be a father. If that comes to pass, I think you will be a better father than I was to you. I sincerely hope my apology helps. I love you.

Dad

Writing this letter helped relieve Hal of a burden he had been carrying for years. But there's more. Two months later he received the following reply, showing what is possible through asking for forgiveness.

Dad,

Thanks for your letter. I have to admit it came as a total surprise, even a shock. I've been busy with my life, so I haven't thought about the "beatings" for a long time. Those memories were difficult. When I first read your letter I couldn't get past the bad feelings it brought up. I actually had to put it down for a few days. But when I picked it up again and read it more carefully, I got what it was all about. Wow. Thank you for apologizing. I guess better late than never.

Yeah, I can begin to forgive you now. It helps a lot to know how bad you felt. I only wish I would have known that sooner. All these years I've felt it was all my fault, that I deserved to be punished. From your letter I can understand that, of course, I never deserved to be hit, not by you or anyone. It's probably going to take me some time to let all of this sink in. It's kind of like having a new dad.

I love you too, dad. Thanks for writing.

Brian

© Copyright The Shared Heart Foundation, Reprinted with permission.

I LOVE YOU BECAUSE...

BY JUDITH SHERVEN, PH.D., AND JAMES SNIECHOWSKI, PH.D., from The New Intimacy Newsletter

Telling someone "I love you" is very important in keeping intimacy fresh and alive. And it doesn't require much. Three words is all. And that is an endearment that can be given anytime, anywhere.

But what about writing a love letter. "Oh," you may be thinking, "that takes a lot of work." Yes, it's true, when most of us hear the phrase "love letter" we imagine reams of handwritten sentiments, poetic at the very least. But you know, a love letter need not be long and belabored. What makes an expression of love so meaningful is when you write something about the other person. Here's what we mean.

Many people think that by saying "I love you because you make me feel good," they have expressed their love for another person. The fact is they haven't. What they've done is express how they feel in response to the other person, and haven't spoken about the other person at all.

What if you were to say "I love you because you are so gentle, or so considerate, or so determined, or so creative, or so cute, or so good with the kids, or so careful with our finances, or so helpful around the house, or so patient with the kids and their homework, or in some way that identifies what it is about the other person that you love. That is an expression of love about and for the other person.

So a love letter could be a long list or as short as a two-line statement placed on his/her pillow so he/she can see it as they are laying down to sleep. And what if you did that once, twice, four times a week. Then the long love letter can be broken into short pieces that will be much more meaningful anyway.

Take some time to list what it is you love about the one you love. Then express it. Give yourself and your lover the endearment of who you are and who they are.

© Copyright, March 15, 2002, Reprinted with permission

Note from the Editor-in-Chief: Once upon a time in my own marriage I wanted my spouse to let me know that he truly appreciated what I did. Reflecting on the situation, I realized that I didn't always tell him what I liked about him. So I decided I would do an experiment. I would tell him every day one thing I liked. And while it wasn't a letter, as Judith and Jim recommend, it had the same effect. I would say, "Bob, do you know what I like about you? I like the way you are so good at fixing the car so I don't have to do it." Or, "Bob, I love your willingness to drive on long trips so I can sit back and read and relax." Or . . . well, I just mentioned one of the many things I did (and continue to) love about him.

What was the experiment? I wanted to see how long it would be before he would mention something about me. It took just three days before he said, very slowly and clearly, indicating he had been aware of what I was deliberately doing, "Arlene, do you know what I love about you? . . ." And then he answered his question with a statement I've long since forgotten (well, it was a couple decades ago when this happened), but the important thing is that this technique works. Not only did I feel good about the genuine compliments I was giving, but I got some in return! Besides, I still remember to do it now and again, although now I don't care whether I get a compliment for myself.

— Arlene Harder, MA, MFT