Asking for Forgiveness

BY JOYCE AND BARRY VISSELL

From the "A Powerful Forgiveness Technique" article on their website, reprinted with permission.

At a recent workshop, Nancy became acutely aware of the pain she had caused her ex-husband, Gregory. She had loved him more as a brother than a husband and, after twelve years of marriage, had fallen in love with another man, finding the depth of love she had hoped for all her life but had given up ever finding. Now eight years into her new marriage, and feeling more fulfilled than ever, she saw that she had never sincerely apologized to Gregory. Instead, his anger and feelings of betrayal had become the dominant theme. After all, she was the one who left him. Nancy had adopted a position of defensiveness, protecting herself from his anger by keeping a safe distance. This tactic, however, kept her in survival mode, kept her from truly letting Gregory go. More important, her defensiveness was keeping her from a deeper peace.

We encouraged Nancy to do something she had never done, to write a letter to Gregory asking his forgiveness for the pain she had caused him, even though she never intended to do so. During a break in the workshop, she wrote the letter and later read it to the group. As part of asking for forgiveness from Gregory, Nancy sincerely apologized for some big mistakes: staying married to him even when she knew she wasn't in love, leaving him abruptly for another man and, perhaps most importantly, not knowing that she deserved to be truly loved on a soul level. It was a heartfelt, humble letter from a person who was sincerely taking responsibility for her part of a painful situation.

The result was immediate. Nancy was glowing with the light of a deeper peace. Although she determined to send the letter the next day, the writing of the letter was her healing gift to herself. It would not matter how Gregory responded, or even if he responded at all, for the process of asking for forgiveness never depends on forgiveness being given by another person. Rather, it is an inner process of resolve and completion through taking responsibility and becoming vulnerable. The letter of forgiveness is one of the most powerful healing techniques we have ever come across.

Why a letter? Why not a phone call or even a meeting in person? A letter is the least invasive or confrontive method. It doesn't put pressure on the recipient to respond or react in the moment. It allows time for reflection.

Everyone we have ever met has hurt someone, whether intentionally or not, at some time during their life. One man at a workshop remembered how he taunted and bullied another child in grade school. A woman realized for the first time the pain she caused her mother during her teen years. An older man saw his part in the estrangement with his son many years previous. Another man understood the pain of rejection he had caused by letting go of an employee. All these people benefited greatly by writing letters asking for forgiveness.

Can you think of someone you have hurt, even if they have also hurt you? Would you like to take another step along your path of growth? If so, here are some guidelines for writing a letter asking for forgiveness:

1. Take responsibility for your part, how you hurt the other person, rather than give any attention to how they hurt you. In fact, if you haven't expressed your own hurt, this may need to be the first letter. However, for healing to be complete, you eventually need to take full responsibility for your own actions, or even thoughts.
2. Be vulnerable. Reveal your own sadness or remorse for causing them pain.
3. Let them know you are not asking them to respond in any way. You are doing this for yourself, not to get forgiven by them. If they write back, it needs to clearly be their own choice.
4. If you can, include some appreciation for this person. Look at who they are rather than the painful interaction with you.
5. Write the letter with the choice of not sending it. Asking for forgiveness is, after all, a very personal and inner process.
6. Share the letter with someone you trust, and get their feedback.
7. If it feels right, send the letter.

© Copyright, July 2000, The Shared Heart Foundation, Reprinted with permission.

LOVE IS ASKING FOR WHAT YOU NEED

From the "Asking For What You Need" article on the Vissell website

For our relationships to be truly healthy, we must first learn what it is that we need from our mate — and then learn how to ask for it. Many people have trouble accepting their needs. Many feel it is not healthy or spiritual to have needs, that it's OK to want the love of a partner, but to need it, well. We like to remind people that we are all multidimensional beings. We are spiritual beings having a human experience, and we are human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings needing to give our love and blessings, and we are human beings needing to be loved and blessed. We have a parent part of us longing to nurture, and a child part needing to be nurtured. For most people, the child part is the most difficult to accept. This is the need to feel special, to be accepted, loved, heard, held, and taken care of.

As for the second step toward a healthy relationship, asking for what you need from your partner can be challenging, especially if you are feeling vulnerable and needing to be supported and nurtured. Fears of rejection come to the front and may block you from reaching out, with thoughts such as, "My partner is too busy, I won't bother her." "Maybe he won't be in the mood to want to hug me." "He is incapable of giving me what I really need." "She might think I'm weak, so it would be better not to ask."

We have a four-year-old Golden Retriever named Charley who is a beautiful model for pushing past seemingly rejecting situations to get what he needs. Charley has a need to be appreciated and petted by everyone. We often walk Charley and our other dog, Ginger, on our local beach. Ginger is content to walk by our side chasing balls as we throw them to her. Charley also loves chasing balls, but his greatest love is attention from people. When he sees someone sitting on the beach, he runs to be petted. All he wants is one little pet on the head and then, feeling acknowledged, he runs off as happy as can be. We watch as people often put up all sorts of resistance at seeing a hundred pound, soaking wet dog come running at them full speed. Arms and legs go out to try to stop this exuberant invasion of their private space. He does finally stop inches from their face, if he manages to get past their stiff arms or legs, waits for one pat on the head and merrily goes on his way. If the person is shy about petting him, then a wet and sandy paw comes up on their lap or shoulder, letting the person know in no uncertain terms, "I will not go away until you give me your full attention." Almost without exception, people pet him and then call out, "What a nice dog."

Charley pushes past and ignores people's resistance to him. It's as if inside he were thinking, "I need a pat on my head and I know that person would love to give it to me." That attitude has gotten him through the most seemingly rejecting of situations.

In our counseling situations, I find myself telling people about Charley whenever they think they cannot reach out to loved ones in times of need. The truth is that Charley makes people happy. His great need for affection offers people a chance to give. Likewise, our need for support and love offers our loved ones a chance to give. We don't need to approach at full running speed while soaking wet. Yet we could approach a person with our vulnerability, saying things like, "I'm feeling scared and need support and you are the person I most want to be supported by." "I feel sad and need the comfort of your arms around me." "I feel confused and need your love and wisdom."

We need to remember that our partners and loved ones have a great need to give love and support. As we come to them, we give them a gift as well as offering a safe place for them to come to us. Giving and receiving of support and nurturing is a beautiful part of relationship.

© Copyright, February 1998, The Shared Heart Foundation, Reprinted with permission