Moving Beyond Affairs to Greater Intimacy
BY JUDITH SHERVEN, PH.D. AND JAMES SNIECHOWSKI, PH.D.
From The New Intimacy Newsletter in which Judith and Jim write, "On the rare occasion we publish other people writing in this section of our newsletter. That is the case this week. What follows speaks for itself. It was submitted by our subscriber, Susan. Thank you, Susan."
When you have been betrayed by a partner who's been unfaithful, how can you reclaim the intimacy you once had?
Having been married 32 years to the same fellow, as you can surmise, life has had it's ups and downs. Three times, it almost came apart . . . three times it came together. The main thread of the discord was an absence, or misunderstanding of communication, which threatened the very fabric of our lives, and set my husband out to look for someone whom he could talk to. However, each time, although it hurt, we managed to find a way back to where we could communicate. Frankly, sometimes I believe that relationships fail, because people think they are being left for someone else who is cuter and nicer, and often we don't seem to realize, that perhaps, just perhaps, we have hurt the one we loved, and because the hurt was so deep, they went in search of someone who could soothe it.
It is so true that we need to understand the magic of our differences and to look beneath the outer skin of the relationship and find things that really work, whether it be a sunset, or seeing a flower that is new to us, or, as we did this morning, spying a small fox, and watching a bird in the sky that chirped until it went into a dive and made a sound like a fart which left us both laughing.
Two years ago, after a period in our life that left us both in crisis, and counseling was necessary to see if the marriage could be saved, we resolved our problems. One night, while under a walk with a full moon in the sky, I bucked up my courage and asked my husband if he would marry me again. He said he sure would. I held him to it and made arrangements for a renewal of vows where with both of us and the whole family and special friends, all who had witnessed the terrible personal crisis we had been through, watched as both of us, found the special words and deep meanings that this relationship had for us and recommitted to our marriage. It was a very wonderful time. He was amazed that I had set up the church, the meal, and the cake with a special cake topping I had made, along with a picture of us at our first wedding. He was very touched and grateful.
Both of us realize that each other have been at fault somewhere along the way, and in demonstrating this to those who love us, accepted the guilt, bit the bullet, so to speak, and agreed, that, whatever else goes on in life, we really do have a good relationship and are very much in love. It takes two, so it is said. No one person can make a relationship. But there must be give and take.
I will say this, "romance," that ethereal thing we go through as kids, is past. Our "romance" now is in finding the things that make life so very special and of being cognizant of the difficulty in making a relationship work. If you don't accept the fact that it is generally both people in a relationship that can mess it up, then divorce may actually occur, with hurt feelings. Forgiveness is a must. People ARE, after all, just human, and I have been hurt way more than I should have been, but I must admit, retaliation was not the answer. Fighting for my marriage and being willing to change was, as well as being able to understand and forgive.
Infidelity is never good and brings about a great deal of mistrust. However, what I have learned is the reasons for it and my part in making it occur. Life is about growing up, and can be done, even if it is a relationship. It's kinda like going to work at a job and lusting after another. By the time you get there you might find out the work environment is not much different and may indeed have the same problems. I chose to stick with my life, my husband and my marriage and look to find the things that can make it work. As a result the whole relationship has turned magical again.
Thanks to you two for your good work. Your book The New Intimacy
is great. I would recommend it to anyone.
© Copyright, May 31, 2002. Reprinted with permission. |
