Can Only One Person Change a Relationship?

BY JUDITH SHERVEN, PH.D. AND JAMES SNIECHOWSKI, PH.D.

From The New Intimacy Newsletter

Is it necessary for both persons in a relationship to change in order for the relationship to change?

Dear Judith and Jim,

My husband and I were married almost 7 years ago. We have had our share of troubles, even before marriage. We also both come from dysfunctional backgrounds, mine more so than his, I would say. Several months ago, I filed for divorce. The reasons I did so dealt with physical violence (I have hit him too), lack of respect and understanding, his need to blame me for ALL his faults, different views on financial matters, and his never ending wrong choices in regard to different things. After filing for divorce, I was with another man sexually a couple of times. I told my husband this, only mentioning one of the times, but he doesn't believe me (or he doesn't want to bring himself to believe me).

We've gone back and forth as to if we want to try to work on our marriage or not, and have tried a little counseling; that didn't last long for various reasons. He later started seeing someone also, on more occasions than I (not that that matters). Anyhow, after I found out he had been seeing someone, I could not handle it at all. I realized that I still care for him more than I thought. (At least that is what I am telling myself). I asked him to go to counseling again with me, and he said yes at first, and then he said he wants to stay with me, but doesn't want the counseling. I really think we both need counseling, personal and marriage counseling, but I agreed hesitantly to try and make it work without him getting any. I am still getting personal counseling for myself. I always told myself I would not stay with any man, just for the sake of the children (my mom did that), but now I am questioning that.

Should I stay with him even if he doesn't get counseling (he really needs it!), or can I really make our marriage work, if I just work on myself, changing the dysfunction that I learned as a child, and incorporating those changes into our marriage?

Should I

Dear Should I,

Yes it is possible for one partner to change a marriage through counseling even if the other does not participate. But both have to seriously want the marriage to work. And both have to assume and accept responsibility for contributing to the difficulties. One partner can take the lead and become the other's teacher but that can only last for a while. Partners can be teachers only when that is reciprocal. So, getting counseling and carrying the entire load while he refuses generally ends up in more resentment and a divorce in the long run.

But please continue the therapy for you because you are repeating a deeply established pattern—swearing not to repeat your mother's marriage and then doing it anyway. That pattern is ingrained in your psyche but it can be uprooted so you don't have to do it again. Also, we're sure you are aware of the work you need to do to heal what happened in your childhood. That's having an effect here not only in what you do but whom you've chosen.

We wish you well.

© Copyright, March 8, 2002. Reprinted with permission.

Note: This advice reaffirms my personal experience as well as work I've done with individuals. I've long been amused and dismayed when someone feels they have to separate or divorce in order to "become themselves." Many years ago I set myself on the path to becoming the best I could be. As a recovering perfectionist I had a lot to deal with. When I took one of those change-your-life-in-three-long-weekends kind of seminars, I was asked by friends who had gone through the program how I could possibly communicate with my husband if he hadn't learned the "jargon" of communicating that I had. "No problem," I replied, "I just translate into the mutual language we've been been using for years." Besides, one of the things I got out of that particular seminar was the realization that he gave me more space to be who I was than I gave him space to be who he was.

We did participate in a couples program for a short while and he seemed to get a little out of that, but for the most part I have been the one who has changed the most. But he's satisfied with who he is and I'm pleased with who I am and we love one another. It's as simple as that. We are two quite distinct individuals who have somehow managed to mesh for forty-five years — and that's good enough for me.

— ;Arlene Harder, MA, MFT, Editor-in-Chief

CHALLENGING ANOTHER'S SELF-IMPOSED LIMITATIONS

From The New Intimacy Newsletter

In a world where we are urged to keep to ourselves and let well enough alone, we tend to put up with much more than we would like and even have to. Yet, sometimes the most endearing, the most loving gesture you can make to the one you love is to challenge them for the ways you see they are limiting themselves.

There are those who argue that we have no right to impose ourselves on one another. And Judith and I would agree. You cannot impose. Not just because it is emotionally and spiritually reprehensible. It doesn't work. So why bother.

But there is a difference between imposing and caring deeply enough to point out where your lover is shortchanging him or herself. We all need the trusted support and point of view of those we live our lives with. We generally cannot see ourselves as well as those near us. The evidence for that is how much easier it is to tell someone else what they are doing to hurt themselves and then are blind to our own shortfalls.

The endearment is to speak up. Your love will be expressed through your explicit intention to focus on the well being of your partner. You cannot suggest something to someone merely for your own sake. Granted, if your partner changes for his or her own good, you will benefit. But that cannot be your primary intention. Why? Because it won't work. No one wants to be carved into a pretzel just for the other person's pleasure. So why bother?

We all need each other, and we need even more those who are nearest.

So don't be afraid to speak up to your lover. You may have the key to an insight or an understanding that can bring important change to his or her life and yours as well.

© Copyright, March 2, 2002, Reprinted with permission