Fair Fighting is Lovework

BY JUDITH SHERVEN, PH.D. AND JAMES SNIECHOWSKI, PH.D.

The following is an abridged excerpt from Chapter 9 of The New Intimacy and reprinted with permission. For more extensive explanation of their nine-step conflict resolution process, which they call Conscious Creativity, you might want to get a copy of their book.

Fighting fair is a fierce expression of love for yourself and your partner. This articles shows you how to do it.

Fair fighting is lovework — a fierce expression of love for yourself and your partner. Given that, there are very specific commitments you and your partner can make, before and during a fight, that will assure that you are doing lovework instead of doing damage. Remember, every fight is like a flare, an S.O.S. drawing your attention to what needs healing.

1. Your purpose is to find a mutually respectful resolution

During a fight, frustrations are high. Voices are loud. Vision is clouded, even distorted. Both of you can feel unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. That's the time to remember you do love one another, that the point of the conflict is to make sure neither of you sabotages your love by putting up with less than your love deserves. The purpose of a fight is to reconcile your differences and dissolve the distance between you.

2. Remember, you're only human

You're both feeling vulnerable. And, no matter how things appear, you both feel threatened, otherwise there would not be a fight. Since you both are feeling very fragile, it is essential that, even when your hot buttons are pushed, you can count on the fact that you both truly care for each other and that your connection is still there.

3. Sometimes a fight is necessary

Fair fighting is always about getting your grievances out in the open. It's a way of saying, "I'm completely committed to our relationship and I won't let this particular problem continue." You're fighting to stay fully alive, to continue to grow and develop with one another. When you both know this, you will know that a fair fight is a godsend — an alarm calling you to put out the fire.

4. Both of you are being powerful

In a fair fight, no one is victimized. Whether you're yelling or silent, weeping or walking around the room, insistent or seeking — you are exerting a powerful effect on your partner. The fact that the fight continues is proof of your influence. Even though you may not feel like it, you are having an impact. You have to stay conscious of that.

5. Every fight is CO-created

In a fair fight, you both have to take responsibility for your participation in what created the conflict and what you are doing to resolve it. Whether you raised the complaint, or you are feeling defensive, criticized, whatever, it takes both of you to make a fight. Even when you're angry, threatened, shut down, you still make choices. You are always part of the process.

6. Don't harbor discontent

Commit to speaking your desire and need, dissatisfaction and hurt, as soon as you possibly can. What you keep secret acts like rust and fungus, coat hangers and the stuff in your garage. It keeps growing in the dark. It extends its contagion into more and more areas of your relationship until there is no more room for love.

7. Stay on point

Hash out only one thing at a time. Nothing is more maddening, confusing and ultimately enraging than jumping from point to point, obscuring the problem, making it very difficult, if not impossible, to achieve any kind of resolution. Fighting is serious business. It strengthens and deepens your connection. Give it your best effort. It's lovework.

8. Don't drag up past complaints

Since we all have some trouble keeping the emotional slate clean, it's very easy for the small stuff, and even the big stuff, that gets ignored to fester into buried land mines. And then, in the middle of a conflict, you feel desperate and all that old resentment comes flying out with something like, "Well, do you remember when you...?" Unless your spouse is strong enough to remind you that dragging up the past is out of line, suddenly the fight veers out of control and becomes lethal. After a few more do-you-remember-whens, neither of you even knows what you're fighting about. Then you're liable to throw anything into the mess.

9. Stay out of your individual history

As a basic rule of thumb, you can assume that anger has to do with what's happening in current time. In contrast, rage is like old, dammed-up water. When it's triggered by something, when your buttons are pushed, the dam bursts and rage rushes forth seeking revenge.

These are not principles that you drag out in the middle of a conflict. They are to be discussed and committed to beforehand.

© Copyright, June 7, 2002, from The New Intimacy Newsletter. Reprinted with permission.

CO-CREATING OF RELATIONSHIPS

From The New Intimacy Newsletter

Two people are always teaching each other exactly how they expect to be treated — what they'll give and what they'll put up with — right from the first moment of their relationship. So the shape of their relationship, how they are together, is a CO-creation for which they are both responsible.

Here's an example of a couple we worked with (their names have been changed):

When Catherine and Ted became involved she recognized Ted's deep need to be right. So she found herself silencing her own opinions. Ted understood Catherine's need to be taken care of, so he worked very hard to achieve promotions and salary increases. They never talked about it. They just did it.

Slowly resentments grew. Catherine objected to "being silenced and made wrong." Ted complained of "having to work too damn hard for so little appreciation." But they never objected or complained to each other. They both believed they were being loving by keeping silent and doing what was needed. They were blind to the possibility of questioning, even challenging, one another's deeply held beliefs and expectations. Had they done so, they could've opened the door for real communication, mutual understanding and genuine intimacy.

By speaking directly to Ted, Catherine could insist that he learn to listen to her opinions and ideas. The opportunity would be there for him to see that she was not helpless and could take care of herself. He could then re-examine his ideas about the extent to which he believed he had to support her and let go of his limiting view of her.

If Ted spoke directly to Catherine, he could admit feeling burdened by the schedule he kept trying to take care of her. He could offer Catherine the chance to see him as a vulnerable human being, and she could let go of her image of Ted as "the Man" who must be right and whose dominant position had to be protected at all costs.

Being straightforward with one another would have allowed both of them to dismantle their co-dependent beliefs and expectations and live more fully and freely with one another.

Honesty truly is the best policy. Both people get to show up and be loved for who they really are—no masks, no tricks, no games. And, after all, isn't that what we all really want?

© Copyright, March 2, 2002, JUDITH SHERVEN AND JAMES SNIECHOWSKI, Reprinted with permission