Exploring the Early Origins of an Argument

BY JUDITH SHERVEN, PH.D. AND JAMES SNIECHOWSKI, PH.D.

From The New Intimacy Newsletter

Knowing the source of conflict, whether that is a day- or decades long, can help you revisit and heal the past.

Dear Judith and Jim:

I have been involved in a personal and business relationship with a man for 6+ years. We have had a pretty rocky road over this time, but truly love each other. About 4 years ago we were engaged, but due to a heated argument I ended up taking the ring and throwing it at him saying if this was the way it was going to be I didn't want any part of it. It was out of frustration and anger and we eventually made up but did not become engaged again.

Also, we lived together during that time (household included my 16 year old daughter, his 16 year old son and my 11 year old son, which was quite a challenge) and that was not a good experience that lasted about a year. We own a store, and have done this successfully over 4 years. He runs the store and I work in an office during the day, plus work at the store in the evenings. Needless to say we both are work-a-holics. My son is now 16 and works at the store after school — they have a good relationship and I am truly grateful for that. Our older kids are 21 now and live on their own.

We both have some pretty traumatic experience from our past - deaths, bad relationships, divorces and more, so we have a ton of baggage. Our main problem is communication. We have gotten better, but when marriage comes up it ALWAYS turns into a fight and hurt feelings. I would like to get married and be together in a normal family setting. He feels like we have already tried that and it didn't work so it's not an option at this time. Although, he said the other day that we could get married as long as nothing changed — meaning that we would not live together. The evening was a total disaster.

This does not sound like a couple in love does it? Well, we are and it's just crazy. When we are happy, which is 90% of the time, we are REALLY happy, but the other 10% of the time we are gut-wrenchingly miserable. The 10% is when we break up and I feel like giving up, but I can't. Am I holding on to a dream of normalcy that just isn't going to happen? Can you help?

One Confused Gal

Dear One:

You say "We have gotten better, but when marriage comes up it ALWAYS turns into a fight and hurt feelings." The content, in your case the issue of marriage, is irrelevant to understanding what is going on. The issue resides in the feelings aroused as a result of discussing marriage. What wounds are exposed? What needs go unmet? What fears are exposed? What images rise to frighten both of you? What do you believe marriage to be? For the better? For the worse? And what value is there in both of you clinging to whatever it is that is at the core of your upheaval?

At the bottom of serious conflicts are beliefs, attitudes, threats, and hurts that are never attended to. Why? Because they are never addressed directly. So, first, you must determine whether or not you both sincerely want to resolve this issue. Without that, there's no point going forward. Next, stay away from the issue of your getting married and focus on the pain the topic brings up. When you do this there can be no judgment, no argument, neither of you telling the other that what they're feeling is wrong, incorrect or off point. What is is and must be respected as such. That is the only way for the two of you to truly hear one another.

Then look inside to find an emotional understanding out of your own experience for the feeling the other is expressing. If the other expresses grief, for example, then look inside for your own experience of grief so you have a visceral appreciation of what the other is going through. That will create empathy and a thorough basis for understanding. That will also help you to understand the value the other has for their position. This process will create a basis for connection as both of you will feel seen, heard, valued and respected. As that happens, then meaningful, transformational communication will have a chance to occur.

There are no techniques for communication that will work without this a foundation. At this point you will be able to determine if you want to continue. If so, use the same process until you both feel like the issue is as fully laid out as you can make it. Then you will be in a position to make a decision as to how to go forward.

Judith and Jim

© Copyright, March 2, 2002, Reprinted with permission

LOVE IS WILLING TO REVISIT THE PAST

Dear Judith and Jim,

Here's my story: (and yes, I am currently single and so is he) twenty-two years ago I had a relationship with someone I met in community college. We were twenty years old and had a relationship that got very serious very quickly and lasted for about 6 months. Unfortunately I unintentionally broke his trust and he hated me for it. I tried to make amends but he could not find it in his heart to forgive me. He has a large family and at the time I had the disease to please so bad that I would do just about anything to get people to like me. I was very close to his family and being one of six children, he had a hard time with that and asked me to give him some time to be alone for a while but did express that he wanted our relationship to eventually lead to marriage. The way he chose to do this was to write his parents and me a letter. Now I'm sure you can imagine what happened next! His parents told me they were very concerned about his emotional state and asked me to share my letter with them so I did. Of course at the time I told myself I was helping him and had no clue as to the level of betrayal I had done. This was a fatal blow to our relationship and no matter how or what I did to mend it he wouldn't hear of it.

Over the next several years I would see him now and then in passing and we would exchange small talk but that is as far as it would go. I've met several people that know him and know he has never married. I've had two horribly failed marriages. One was a rebound off of my relationship with him and the other was to someone I thought closely resembled him.

My question is if I know how to contact him, etc and fully realize my responsibility in the pain I caused him how can I approach him with the thought of having a chance to introduce him to the 40+ year old more experienced me that still hasn't lost those butterflies that fly in when I think about him. When I tell people this story they say to just call him, how do you know he isn't still thinking about you too? I don't see it as being that simple. Do you think you can help me with some ideas on how to approach him without revisiting that pain all over again?

Sincerely,

Butterflies

Dear Butterflies,

First of all, you will not be able to avoid re-visiting the pain again. The pain is there and will not go away without both of you facing into it and dealing with it in the hope that it can be healed. To think otherwise is a naive fantasy. Imagine your getting back together and never facing into what happened. What kind of relationship would that be?

Your friends are right. Call him. Make yourself available to what might happen. You will find out. Otherwise you will be living a "Bridges of Madison County" life which, in the end, is a disaster.

Now, more importantly, you are clearly still stuck in what you call the betrayal. Kari, it's been twenty plus years. If he is still carrying resentment for your sharing your letter with his family, he is not a good candidate for a relationship, your butterflies notwithstanding.

Also, be very careful about those butterflies. You have been divorced. You know what it takes to live with someone and make a life. If you call him and he has an interest in you, that will be only the first step, and a baby step at that. You will have to re-discover one another all over again. That will take all of the maturity you have so that the butterflies don't thrust you back into adolescent notions of happily ever after.

Can romance and real love remain alive over time? Sure. But that is very rare. If you are, in part, the same girl you were twenty years ago, that part of you will have to grow up. And if there is a real love between you, that will have to emerge over time.

Your not wanting just to call him, to be direct with him, to find out what reality is, gives us concern that you are stuck in your past, in ideas and images and feelings that were appropriate then but are no longer.

Also, have you wondered why he has never married? Please don't think that it may be because of you.

The best thing you can do is call him and find out what reality will bring you. If it works out, we would be delighted for you. Don't live in an imaginary world. Don't let your feelings be the only determiner of who and how you are.

We wish you well.

Judith and Jim

© Copyright, April 8, 2002, Reprinted with permission, BY JUDITH SHERVEN, PH.D., AND JAMES SNIECHOWSKI, PH.D., from The New Intimacy Newsletter