Qualities of the Human Spirit

Have you ever suspected that your life would work much better if you could operate from a position of patience, courage, flexibility — or any other quality you've long admired in others? But do you then forget to use that quality because you're so busy trying to solve the difficult situations in which you find yourself?

Fortunately, it's easy to have these qualities smooth out the bumps and detours that life places in your path. All you need to do is learn how to consciously use them as tools for transformation and find ways to remind yourself to use them.

Let me give you an excerpt from my second book, Ask Yourself Questions and Change Your Life. I begin with a story about a client who learned the importance of deliberately expressing a quality he needed:

He sat in my office week after week describing a life that was clearly not working. First there was a brief affair with his wife’s sister. Then there was the on-again off-again reconciliation with his wife, generally off because he wouldn’t follow through on agreements. Next would come the fear that he would have to file for bankruptcy because of overspending, often on items he didn’t need. His weight and blood pressure were too high. And the litany continued.

The family history was horrendous, with a father on welfare who sexually abused five out of the seven children (both girls and boys, though my client wasn’t one of them) and a mother who admitted to setting one of their rented houses on fire. That was only one of four times a house in which they lived burned to the ground!

Trained as a systems therapist, I knew his background played a significant role in who he was and why his life didn’t work. Consequently, I used genograms (intergenerational diagrams) and an explanation of dysfunctional family patterns to help explain the origins of his current problems. I also pulled out all the tricks of the trade to help him re-visit, re-experience, and re-frame his childhood so he could “heal the inner child of his past.”

Then one day, as we were talking about his latest attempt to circumvent his landlord’s attempt to collect rent money, so he could purchase some new stereo equipment, with a grin he casually acknowledged that, “Fabricating my way through life is my modus operandi.”

Putting Qualities Into Practice

That’s how he and I came to discuss what it means to have integrity, to adhere to an ethical code, to face each day with honor and truth in all he did. Remembering the discussion of his family’s dynamics, it was easy for him to see that he didn’t have a chance to learn about integrity in the circumstances under which he grew up. After all, he had a father who didn’t maintain boundaries with his children—a perfect example of not having integrity as a parent. His mother burned down at least one of their houses—demonstrating a total lack of integrity in maintaining the agreement she had to keep the rental property in reasonable shape!

He became intrigued with this quality, since he’d always been puzzled by how others seemed to get along just fine with telling the truth. “It’s like this,” I said, “Telling the truth makes life a lot simpler. And since your life is so complicated that it doesn’t work the way you want, you might consider giving integrity a try. You’ve already taken the first step by acknowledging that you aren’t truthful. The next step is discovering if you are willing to practice honesty at every opportunity.”

He reacted with an interesting mixture of emotions. While there was relief that perhaps he didn’t have to continue replaying his earlier life, there was also hope that if this approach worked, he might actually resolve many of the problems he experienced week after week. Overlaid on these reactions was the question of how to practice something he knew little about.

We began with the statement I mentioned in CHAPTER FIVE because I knew it could reinforce his intention to change. At the same time, it acknowledged that he didn’t yet know how to use the quality that had been missing in his life. Therefore, I suggested he say, “While I haven’t known how to have integrity until now, from this point onward I will practice integrity at every opportunity.”

And practice he did. The very next week he came in to report that he got a call from a collection agency about unpaid back bills for his pickup truck. Rather than lie and say he sent it two weeks earlier and that they must have lost the check (a statement they might have actually believed because he was quite good at fabricating the truth, having practiced the skill for such a long time), he admitted that he hadn’t paid the bills and would be sending a payment that day. Then he actually put the check in the mail!

The consequence of taking this new approach, he said, was that he didn’t need to remember to whom he told what, which can get pretty sticky when one always lies.

Therapy didn’t continue for long after that because his life began to turn around. There were times, of course, when out of habit he would be halfway through a lie and he’d have to find a way out of the maze he was creating. But all in all, he did a very good job in a reasonably short period of time because he was committed to adding this important quality to his life.

When he came in periodically for a “check-up” session, we sometimes talked about other qualities he might need, but for him the one that was most needed was integrity.

Discovering a Quality You Can Use to Reach Your Goal

Ever since then, I’ve stressed the need for clients to develop qualities of the human spirit that are missing in their lives. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t acknowledge the impact that early experience can have in shaping who we are. It doesn’t mean there aren’t other factors that need to be addressed. It is simply that a focus on acquiring and expressing qualities can often be as effective as many other techniques in facilitating change.

From goals requiring self-esteem to goals requiring you to approach a problem at work in a new way, reaching a goal is bound to be easier if you incorporate a quality of the human spirit in whatever you do.

As you read the qualities below, notice which one, or ones, you could use more of in your life. Then make a commitment to add that quality to your life, just as my client did. Notice what a difference it will make.

Acceptance … Assertiveness … Balance … Beauty
Carefulness … Clarity … Compassion … Confidence
Courage … Creativity … Curiosity … Energy … Enthusiasm
Faith … Flexibility … Forgiveness … Fortitude … Freedom
Generosity … Gentleness … Grace … Gratitude … Harmony
Hope … Humility … Integrity … Joy … Kindness … Love
Nurturance … Objectivity … Openness …
Optimism … Passion … Patience
Peace … Persistence … Playfulness
Purpose … Resilience … Serenity … Simplicity … Spirituality
Stability … Steadfastness … Strength
Tenderness … Tolerance … Vitality

Ask Yourself Questions and Change Your Life gives you many suggestions for reaching your goals.

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