Cancer Jokes -- Archive Two

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Getting Well and Staying Well > Living Well Despite Illness

PLEASE NOTE: These jokes are reprinted with permission and originally appeared on a CancerOnline.org website that is no longer active. If you haven't yet read Does Cancer Have a Sense of Humor, please do so first. Macabre jokes are not to everyone's taste.

Cancer Jokes Archive Two

1. Radiation Glow

[Couldn't resist this recent e-mail from Glenn Jeffrey, a Canadian reader who is 42 years old, with six children. His story is reprinted with his permission.]

Thanks for the jokes.....just what I needed to brighten up the day.

I was diagnosed with testicular cancer and had a radical orcheictomy on Sept.18/98.

I am currently taking radiation therapy that will be finished on Nov.26/98.

After my first radiation treatment, I was laying in bed that night. The children were finally all asleep. Carol and I could, at last, talk about the day events. We talked about several things, always dancing around how the radiation treatment had gone.

Finally, Carol asked how I was feeling. I told her pretty good, but my skin was a little tender. Carol offered to take a look, pulled the covers back and gasped -- there was a strange green glow coming out from under the blankets.

I had taken a "Glow-stick" and hidden it under the covers.

Great trick for anyone getting radiation . . . just make sure your spouse has a good sense of humor.

2. Jokes About Cancer Jokesters

A guy who makes jokes about cancer is so mixed up that he would probably laugh if he broke his leg.

Alternate Version

Making jokes about cancer is like joking about a drive-by shooting. The victim isn't laughing. Neither is the cancer jokester who just got done in by a carload of laughing cancer patients.

Alternate Version

Cancer is no laughing matter. Ask anyone who died of it.

3. Macabre Thoughts About Cancer and Death About Cancer and Death About Cancer and Death

Does a cat with cancer still have nine lives? Of course it does.

Haven't you heard the song with the refrain, "And the very next day — the cat came back!"

Alternate Version

If I don't want to die of cancer, I can join Hell's Angels, get myself a big Harley-Davidson and not wear a crash helmet.

For a speedier exit, I can try riding my motorcycle no hands on a railroad trestle.-- But, why wreck a good Harley when I could just as easily jump off the trestle?

4. Putting a Positive Spin on Cancer

You can be very courageous in stopping a crime. What have you got to lose?

Alternate Version

If you see an old person all crippled with arthritis, you can feel very superior. You won't have to grow old that way.

Alternate Version

You will win your bet with your life insurance company. They wanted you to keep paying to a ripe old age, but you will beat them at their game when they pay up.

Alternate Version

If you have advanced lung cancer, you can adopt a holier-than-thou attitude. Accost all the smokers you know and tell them to stop before they die of lung cancer.

You say: "John, you'd better stop smoking or you'll get lung cancer just like I did."

John says: "Mind you own business, Bill. Go away and die and let me enjoy my cigarettes."

Alternate Version

If you are a man with prostate or testicular cancer, you can say it was due to your energetic and creative sex life. You can die as a macho hero.

Alternate Version

If you want to revenge yourself on a mean boss, start a lawsuit that claims your cancer was caused by stress on the job. The smear will stick--especially if you die before it goes to court. Then you can die with a smile on your face.

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CANCER JOKES ARCHIVE TWO . . . Continued

5. Depression Expression

One woman was so depressed with the return of her breast cancer that she forgot to feed the cat until it ate her canary.

Alternate Version

Prozac is a cure for cancer depression. You'll feel good about everything. Take enough of it and you'll think that getting cancer is even better than winning the state lottery.

Alternate Version

I forgot my depression over cancer when I discovered that the ticket I had flushed down the toilet was the lottery winner.

Alternate Version

When I heard I had cancer, I looked so depressed that a homeless person gave me a dollar.

Alternate Version

I am a widower. I was depressed over getting cancer and the death of my wife -- but that was nothing compared to having to eat my own cooking.

Alternate Version

Cancer is a depressing thought. So is paying the medical bills. That's enough bad news for anyone. But pity the lady whose cat shredded the draperies while she was in the hospital.

Alternate Version

Can a cat with cancer be overcome by depression? Not as long as there's a pit bull in the same house.

Alternate Version

Mice are used to test out cancer treatments. Why? Because the cats have a conspiracy to run things their way. This explains why mice get depressed.

Alternate Version

Take it from my dog, "Mangler," cats can't be trusted. It's depressing to think that on top of cancer, you need to worry about your cat's loyalty too.

Alternate Version

Cancer depression is what my friend got when the doc said he wouldn't live to see the end of the World Series. He had bet $10,000 on it and his team was in the lead.

Alternate Version

Cancer depression is like waiting for a car to conk out when the needle is on empty.

Alternate Version

Cancer depression is worse when there is only one piece of toilet paper left. Life's not fair.

Alternate Version

What would whip me right out of my cancer depression is to be wearing open sandals when I step on fresh dog poop.

Alternate Version

Depression over cancer can be replaced by euphoria when one takes the Prozac anti-depressant. You'll think you can fly. So be especially wary if someone asks you to go Bungee jumping.