Cancer Jokes Archive One
1. Flying to Survive Cancer
On board a flight to Hawaii, the pilot announced, "That thump you heard was our last engine conking out. I'm really sorry to tell you this, but we are going to crash into the ocean."
In the stunned silence that followed, an angry voice spoke out. "Dammit! That stupid doctor of mine! He said I was going to die of cancer."
"He lied!"
Copyright © 1998, Sydney Love
2. The Comeback
[Maybe this story, submitted by a cancer patient, will give you an idea for a quick comeback when people make comments about your cancer — or when they try very hard NOT to make comments.]
After being diagnosed with lung cancer, my husband and I went to his hometown for a family reunion trip that had been planned for several months. All the family knew I had been diagnosed and was scheduled to have surgery upon my return home. They all tended to avoid the subject, but took much more time hugging me than usual.
While we were eating supper one night, my mother-in-law commented on how well I was eating. I told her that it was only natural, now that I was eating for two . . . me and my fast growing tumor.
3. Hormone Side Effects
[This was sent by a cancer patient and shows how a spouse with humor can lighten the stress of diagnosis and treatment. Has your spouse come up with good retort? Let us know.]
In 1996, at age 47, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The urologist to whom I was referred by my new doctor recommended several months of Lupron followed by a radical prostatectomy, which I knew (from searching the internet) was the correct protocol at the time. In conference with my wife and I, however, the urologist warned that several months of Lupron to shrink the tumor might result in side effects, including hot flashes. He mentioned that, in rare cases, breast growth sometimes results.
On hearing that estrogen would take over as testosterone faded from my system, my wife's first question to the doctor was, "Will he finally enjoy shopping with me at the mall?"
4. Putting Chemo Nausea to Work
[An upset stomach isn't much fun when you are on chemo, or at any other time, for that matter. But laughing at it can help.]
A young lady with breast cancer decided to keep it a secret from her workmates.
During chemotherapy she continued going to work even though she was frequently nauseated. Her boss, a nurturing woman, called her into the office and said, "Lately you are frequently sick in the mornings. Tell me truthfully, are you pregnant?"
Here is an alternate version:
If you are 60 years old, but trying to pass for 30 — and nauseated with chemotherapy — let people think you're pregnant.
Copyright © 1998, Sydney Love
5. Eat Right, Fight Cancer
[If you have cancer despite a life-time of low fat, high fiber, and oat bran muffins hard as bullets, you may be convinced a sadistic nutritionist made up the rules for "eating right." You've eaten all the stuff you don't really like and you've ended up sick. On the other hand, you're afraid to eat the "wrong" diet. What even worse disaster may befall you then? Better to just keep biting the bullet, swallowing your pills and laughing.]
It has been reported that the breast cancer rate would be cut in half if women would eat a low-fat diet. Now, if a woman has already lost half her breasts, can she go back to square one and eat a high-fat diet?
Alternate Version
When on chemotherapy, the doctor tells you to eat even when you don't feel like it. Then he hands you a pile of prescriptions. Who can eat when full of pills?
Alternate Version
Wheat grass juice is one answer to keeping cancer at bay. It must be good. Did you ever hear of a horse having cancer?
Alternate Version
ItIf you can't stand the taste of wheat grass juice, then mix it with carrot juice. It's better. Ask any rabbit.
Alternate Version
The macrobiotic diet has many converts. They get together regularly and impress new cancer patients with their success. To be fair, the macrobiotic diet fans should include the cancer victim — but then, where would they hold the gatherings?
Copyright © 1998, Sydney Love
6. Radiation Glow
[Couldn't resist this recent e-mail from Glenn Jeffrey, a Canadian reader who is 42 years old, with six children. His story is reprinted with his permission.]
Thanks for the jokes.....just what I needed to brighten up the day.
I was diagnosed with testicular cancer and had a radical orcheictomy on Sept.18/98.
I am currently taking radiation therapy that will be finished on Nov.26/98.
After my first radiation treatment, I was laying in bed that night. The children were finally all asleep. Carol and I could, at last, talk about the day events. We talked about several things, always dancing around how the radiation treatment had gone.
Finally, Carol asked how I was feeling. I told her pretty good, but my skin was a little tender. Carol offered to take a look, pulled the covers back and gasped -- there was a strange green glow coming out from under the blankets.
I had taken a "Glow-stick" and hidden it under the covers.
Great trick for anyone getting radiation . . . just make sure your spouse has a good sense of humor.
Copyright, 1998, Glenn Jeffrey
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