The Night Before Chemistry
BY DAVID HARDER, REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION
This original poem definitely belongs in a section of creative writing. It was given me for Christmas in 2001 with the note, "To my mother, Arlene, for showing me things that 'matter'." It is a clever way of describing how science progresses because of people who have strived to be the best they can be. Thus it also fits into this website because our goal is to help everyone become the best they can be.
The poem is dedicated "to the memory of Henry Moseley, who was quite possibly the most intelligent person who ever lived. Before his life was tragically taken from him in world-war one, at the tender age of 24, he literally single-handedly revolutionized chemistry by rearranging the elements into order of atomic numbers. We can only guess as to what further contributions he may have made to the world of science had he lived a normal lifespan." And the poem is also dedicated "to Blake Stretton, the best friend a man could possibly ever have (if he needed something fixed), for showing me what 'quantum mechanics' do."
Incidentally, if you enjoy the poem, you are likely to also enjoy David's "Glossary of Helpful Definitions for Non-chemists."
— Arlene Harder, MA, MFT
The Night Before Chemistry
'Twas the night before Chemistry
When all throughout Europe
The Alchemists were stirring
Some salts into syrups
The crucibles were hung
By the furnace with care
In hopes the Philosopher's
Stone would be there
Trevisan and others
Were smug in their heads
With visions of making
Some gold from some lead
And then Paracelsus
Cried "Fie to this crap!
It's time to wake up
From our dark ages nap"
He burned lots of books
And raised such a clatter
Then challenged the world
Saying "Here's what's the matter!
Away with your witchcraft"
He said in a flash
"Let's open new windows
And throw out the trash"
Then Becher came along
And created great ire
With his "Philostogen"
Theory of fire
Its chameleon-like nature
Was quite a distraction
Yet it led to the study
Of simple reactions
Tho' Becher kept looking
For ways to make gold
Thanks to his work
Great new things would unfold
Then when some bubbles
Appeared in some beer
Along came Joe Priestly
Who said "What's this here?"
He found See-oh-Two
And figured out nitrogen
Breathed life into science
With something called Oxygen
Although the king wanted
The Philosopher's asses
Joe kept on working with colorless gasses
Meticulous Cavendish
Had plenty of money
He was brilliant at science
But acted quite funny
He analyzed water
And then shouted "Yo!
It's two parts of H
And one part of O
He was short in his words
Found a few were just plenty
He said Argon in air
Is "One part in one-twenty"
Lavosier was boiling
A lot in his pelican
When told that he couldn't
He said "Yes the hell I can!"
His theory of burning
Led him to exclaim
"The reactants and products
Have weights just the same"
And then while studying
Man's respiration
The guillotine stole
His head from his nation
And Dalton made science
A worthwhile career
With keen observations
Of earth's atmosphere
He drew little pictures
Of atoms for fun
With relative weights
Calling Hydrogen "One"
His trembling hand
Made the lines somewhat wavy
He encountered resistance
From greats such as Davy
The gas Nitrous Oxide
Was laughed at, it seems,
When Berzelius tried
To explain what it means
His crude calculations
Of atomic weights
Were amazingly accurate
And still are to date
He came up with a system
Of chemical signs
Which is still being used
And it seems to work fine
Avogadro was working
Away one fine summer
When he came up with one
Oversized giant number
"Six-Point-Oh-Two
Times ten to twenty three
That's the number of things
In a mole - you will see!"
The work that he did
In molecular composition
Would earn him in history
A numeric position
Woehler (with Liebig)
Worked hard, almost manic
He did some fine things
In the field of Organics
He wrote papers on urea
And bitter almonds
Then went on to study
All sorts of new compounds
He found Beryllium, Yttrium
And almost Vanadium
Thanks to him, Chem-One
Just won't be the same again
What Mendeleeff found missing
Was Eka-Aluminum
Some called him a prophet
Yet many made fun of him
He pinned cards to the wall
And made some assumptions
Then figured they'd fit
Into periodic functions
He arranged all the elements
By their atomic weights
And said "Either I'm crazy
Or they repeat at eight"
Then came a great dreamer
Some called him a genius
For the battle of Ions
Was won by Arrhenius
He carefully washed
All his beakers and flasks
Finding dissociated particles
Was a difficult task
With electrical currents
He sent through solutions
He opened the doors
To a new revolution
And then what to the wondering
World should appear
But a girl named Marie
And a guy named Pierre
The Curies worked hard
In their little old shed
While radioactive dreams
Danced in their heads
Marie was quite shy
But she silenced the stadium
When she gave her big talk on the nature of Radium
Rutherford did somethin'
That's almost worth notin'
He found a small thing
And called it a "Proton"
Thompson then chased
The elusive electron
And found its mass was
"Two thousandth's of hydrogen's"
Crookes looked at light
And said "Ah, this is matter"
What Geiger "encountered"
Were small things that scattered
Then in less than four years
A young man named Moseley
Sorted atoms by numbers
Just like they're supposed to be
The elements he placed
On his newly found table
Were based on hard data
Not guesswork or fables
That one lousy bullet
That passed through his head
Surely cost the world more
Than could ever be said
Bohr found electrons
Would "jump" very well
Langmuir solved isomers
And valences with "shells"
The future looked bright
They all had great hopes
Harking said "neutrons"
Explained isotopes
Then Schrodinger's cat
With a "wave" of the curtain
Found Heisenburg's quantum
Mechanics uncertain
When Einstein led Fermi
To fission reaction
Oppenheimer called
All the boys into action
"Come Meitner and Pauli
Lawrence and Anderson
Compton and Millikan
And Zinn and Davidson"
They built a big bomb
And made it quite clear
The nuclear age
Was finally here
So what the Alchemists started
With alembics and dishes
Turned out to fulfill
A great many wishes
Instead of the gold
Of which they had dreamed
They created a science
Much greater, it seems
We give thanks to these men
Who have shown us the light
"Happy Chemistry to all
And to all, a good night"
—
© Copyright 2001, David Harder
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