Having the Last Laugh

BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT

While visiting a relative, I also visited their bathroom, where I discovered Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader by the "Bathroom Readers' Institute." Didn't know there was such a thing, but it just goes to show what people will do these days to make a buck.

When I looked to see what kinds of things one is supposed to read in the bathroom, it happened to opened on a page called The Last Laugh: Epitaphs, which was one of the shorter pieces. However, if you needed to be there for a longer time, there were also articles of medium length and longer ones for extended sitting. As I read some of the epitaphs that have been carved onto tombstones, I could see how having such a book would make time fly when nature calls.

I especially enjoyed these two:

"Here lies John Timothy Snow,

who died fighting for a lady's honor.

(She wanted to keep it.)"

-- Tombstone, Arizona

"Beneath this grassy mound now rests

One Edgar Oscar Earl,

Who to another hunter looked

Exactly like a squirrel."

-- England

These gave me an idea for this Take-a-Break because it reminded me of other humorous and unusual epitaphs I've heard through the years. Before I explain what I mean, I liked to share some others that come from R.I.P.: The Complete Book of Death and Dying by Constance Jones and a book by Thomas Mann and Janet Greene called Over Their Dead Bodies..yankee Epitaphs & History, which is no longer available in print. At a time when gravestones are often engraved with only names and dates, I hope you enjoy these tombstone inscriptions as much as I do.

The ones I particularly like are those in which a person's name is cleverly used, since I enjoy a good pun. For example, my husband's favorite line, upon introduction to someone who apologizes for a name that is hard to pronounce, is, "Your name may be difficult, but mine is Harder." In any case, here are four name epitaphs.

Beza Wood, who died in Winslow, Maine, in 1837 is compared to her coffin.

"Here lies one Wood

Enclosed in wood

One Wood

Within another.

The outer wood

Is very good:

We cannot praise

The other."

In Tombstone, Arizona, the essence of the old "Wild West," is this famous epitaph:

"Here lies

Lester Moore

Four slugs

from a 44

no Les

no more"

In Bath Abbey, England, is another famous pun:

"Here lies Ann Mann;

She lived an old maid and

She died an Old Mann."

Then there's a name epitaph that is so clever I wonder if it really existed, or if all the survivors of men named Pease were equally clever. It was reported to have been in a Nantucket, Massachusetts, graveyard as well as in Searport, Maine. In Barre, Vermont, it was for a Solomon Pease.

"Under the sod and under the trees

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod:

Pease shelled out and went to God."

What strikes me about these epitaphs is that, unless the wishes of the deceased are honored, the survivors get to decide what will appear on the tombstone. And if a couple didn't get along well in life, it sure helps to be the remaining spouse, as a tombstone in Hardwick, Vermont, clearly demonstrates. The inscription on "his" side doesn't make much sense until you read the words she's had carved on "her" side.

Then there was the wife in Potterne, Wiltshire, England, who got in the last word posthumously, although maybe it was her family who realized her life with old John had been especially miserable.

"Here lieth

Mary-the wife of John Ford

We hope her soul is gone to the Lord

But if for Hell she changed this life

She had better be there than be John Ford's wife

1790"

To give men their due, in Burlington, Massachusetts, is a monument that reads:

"Sacred to memory of Anthony Drake,

Who died for peace and quietness sake;

His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin'

So he sought for repose in a twelve dollar coffin."

The second line of an epitaph in Massachusetts gives you a hint that this woman didn't write her own epitaph.

To the memory of Mary Gold,

Who was gold in nothing but her name,

She was a tolerable woman for an acquaintance

But old Harry himself couldn't live with her:

Her temper was furious

Her tongue was vindictive

She resented a look and frowned at a smile,

And was sour as vinegar:

She punished the earth upwards of 40 years,

To say nothing of her relations.

Now that you've come to the end of these epitaphs, you may have a good idea for doing today's Take-a-Break. Of course, it may take more than a few minutes to come up with something humorous, so that's why this is a Longer Break and not a Quick or Moderate Break. No matter how long you take, try as hard as you can to clearly express your opinion of that person's character.

© Copyright 2001, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT