Seat Belts, Safety Nets, and Bungee Cords

BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT

When life presents you with a bumpy road ahead, create a symbol that will keep you from being tossed and turned by outside circumstances.

Today's topic comes from a particularly bumpy plane ride back to California from Boston, where I had the great pleasure of holding a new grandson and being entertained by relatives. (It's a life I could very easily get used to living. In fact, I'm ready to apply for a position as queen if the job comes with servants, cooks and precious babies to cuddle and love. Know of any openings?)

Anyway, the captain kept on the seat belt sign for most of the trip. In one scary stretch I seriously wondered if I would get to see another new grandchild that is due in February. Remembering a recent case in which people without seat belts were killed or injured when their plane hit an air pocket, I made certain I was securely fastened in. Ten minutes later, the deeply resonant and reassuring voice of the pilot informed us that the rough weather we had just passed through hadn't shown up on radar and they were as surprised by it as we passengers had been.

Realizing I would live to hold another grandchild, I considered the value of seat belts in planes and cars, of safety nets under tightrope walkers, and of Bungee cords for those who willingly jump off bridges. There are times, of course, when even the best seat belt isn't going to save us. Nevertheless, I was sure glad to have one during a very bumpy ride.

Figuratively speaking, we all need protection from unexpected potholes in the road of life, as well as for those times when we've been forewarned that rough spots lie ahead. Deciding to expand on this topic for today's newsletter, I realized I have a current situation in which I need just this kind of support. I am working on an important project with someone who sees things very differently than I do, which has created delays and upsets for both of us. I need to address these differences in a way that will prevent us from getting bogged down again.

What internal seat belt, I wondered, could give me a smoother ride through the upcoming conversation, which I know will be difficult for both of us? As I meditated on this, I got an image of being seated in my chair with an imaginary belt gently holding me in place as I calmly present my position. So this afternoon, if the other person doesn't understand or agree with me, I will remember this image, smile to myself, and know I have the ability to express myself in such a way that we can work through our differences.

And what is my seat belt made of? Like you, over the years I've gradually woven this internal support by reminding myself, when I'm under stress, of what I've learned and by doing those things that best get me back on track. Here are a few of the things I need to remind myself from time to time.

1. I am loved and love others, which is the strongest supporting fiber of all, even though I alone must walk through trials I have been given.
2. I am neither as good nor as bad as I once thought I was.
3. I don't need to be perfect (a hard-learned lesson for this perfectionist).
4. None of us gets through life without pain, so I'm not being singled out when I get my share.
5. I have been extraordinarily fortunate to be have been born in a country and at a time when I can make use of my talents.
6. I can't control others - or the world in general - nearly as much as I would like, although I can do my best to influence others.
7. Sometimes, when I don't get my way, even though I think at the moment that I'm right, I am actually rescued from what would have been a serious, or just plain embarrassing, mistake.
8. We all do our best, even when our best isn't good enough.
9. Nothing is constant, so whatever my situation is at the moment - whether good, bad, or indifferent - it too shall pass.
10. If something goes wrong in one part of my life, there are lots of other things that are going right.
11. There's always tomorrow.

Some of the things I do to come back to a more balanced view of life when I've been thrown off center are:

Meditate regularly so I can get a new perspective on things.

Exercise regularly.

Ask others for help (something I've only recently learned how to do)

Prioritize my life (something else it's taken me a long time to learn to do)

Live in the moment as much as possible.

Say "no" when I'm asked to do something I really don't want to do.

Pray for others (at the very least, it takes my attention off myself)

Plan times for fun and pleasure.

If you were asked to identify some fibers in your seat belt, safety net or Bungee cord, what would they be? In other words, when you have felt yourself in a free-fall, what stops you from crashing entirely? What do you tell yourself and what do you do? Are there any images you consciously bring to mind to keep yourself balanced?

You may want to write out one or two statements that express the way in which you have supported yourself in the past. Then put them up somewhere you can use them as reminders that you are not helpless and without protection.

You may also want to place a picture of a seat belt on your desk or wherever it could best remind you that you are already protected from many of the bumps on the road of life by the safety belt you've woven from the lessons you've learned.

© Copyright 1998, Revised 2002, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT

ASK YOURSELF:

What Have I Learned That I Can Pass On?

I've learned that wearing anything too small is a sure way to ruin my day.

— Age 44

I've learned that the older I get, the more I say "I don't know." When I was younger, I thought I knew it all.

— Age 65

I've learned that the worse thing in life to be without is love, but toilet paper comes in a close second.

— Age 59

I've learned that you can live with choices you have made yourself, but you can live to regret the choices you let others make for you.

— Age 29

These quotes come from Live and Learn and Pass it On, written and compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr., and are reprinted with permission.