Close Encounters With Strangers

BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT

Almost all of us have a problem with people who remind us of characteristics and faults within ourselves that we don't like or haven't deal with. Just as I suggest the symbol of a group of friends to create an inner cheering section in Bringing Lots of Friends With You, here you can use a similar technique to help you get past your irrational dislike of others. While this piece was originally written for cancer patients, the idea can be used by anyone who feels uncomfortable because of the physical appearance or mood of strangers.

The hardest part of going for treatment, according to a client of mine we'll call Maria, was walking into the doctor's office and seeing all the sad and worried faces. She didn't want to associate herself with "them." According to her, "they" looked so depressed, so self-absorbed, so hopeless, so isolated, so . . . (fill in any term that comes to your mind when you think about all those people waiting to hear the results of a test or to get treatment they wish they didn't need).

However, there is a significant correlation between our health and the state of our relationships. I believe this applies even to those people with whom we feel we have no "relationship," the strangers we pass in the street and meet in offices and stores. When we cut ourselves off from them by seeing them as either "better" than or "not as good" as us, our critical judgment of others may be a determining factor in recovery from illness.

So if you, too, have a similar reaction to other patients, I suggest you try what my client tried. She found it helped her immensely.

First, copy this page and take it with you for your next doctor's visit. Then as you sit waiting for your turn, take it out and — looking at each person separately — read it to yourself. You will discover that "they" aren't really any different from you.

This person is seeking some happiness for his or her life, just as I am.

This person is trying to avoid suffering in his or her life, just as I am.

This person has known sadness, loneliness and despair, just as I have.

This person is seeking to fill his or her needs, just as I am.

This person is learning about life, just as I am.

In addition to this simple exercise in understanding, I went even further with Maria and suggested she imagine she had in her purse an envelope with "Certificates of Encouragement and Hope." These she could hand out (in her imagination, of course) to each of the patients toward whom she now could feel some compassion. The "certificate" said something like this:

I know that you are having a hard season in your life right now. I know that I can't take away your pain or change the circumstances of your life, but I can let you know that I care. In this small way perhaps today will be a little better for you. Signed, Maria

And then Maria smiled and she felt better. Sometimes the other person smiled back and they both felt better, at least for a moment — and that may be all that matters.

© Copyright 2000, Revised 2002, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT

ASK YOURSELF:

What Have I Learned That I Can Pass On?

I've learned that you shouldn't hold a baby above your head after he has eaten.

— Age 14

I've learned that when you're at a family picnic, you shouldn't say you don't like what you're eating because the person sitting next to you might have prepared it.

— Age 18

I've learned that every woman is beautiful when she smiles.

— Age 66

I've learned that it's not a good idea to try to break in a new bra during a transcontinental flight.

— Age 46

These quotes come from Live and Learn and Pass it On, written and compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr., and are reprinted with permission.