Developing Qualities Over a Period of Time
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Learn how you can develop a quality, like grace, that incorporates many other qualities, such as kindness, service, courteousness, balance, gratitude and contentedness.
Using the "Ben Franklin Method" (see Learning From Wise Ben Franklin) to expand your repertoire of qualities, I suggest you choose a quality for at least a week and preferably for a whole month. Notice what activities will be coming up during that time and then decide which quality or qualities would best help you get through them with ease and success. By focusing on only one or two specific qualities, you'll soon express them without having to think about them. They will become part of your second nature, just as old Ben became known for the excellent characteristics he developed through his systematic approach to change.
Let me use myself as an illustration for this technique, since I'm revising this article one week from the day LearningPlaceOnline [a website I founded which is no longer active] is supposed to be launched and we are way, way, way, way behind where I had expected to be by this time. So I am definitely in need of a quality that will help me create a solid beginning for a project that I believe can benefit thousands of people — without sending me over the edge either emotionally or physically.
In doing this exercise just now, I have begun by reading over the list of qualities (see Putting Qualities of the Human Spirit Into Action). Then I jotted down eight — acceptance, flexibility, grace, harmony, patience, peace, resilience, and serenity.
You may wonder why I didn't choose eight others that could also be appropriate, such as courage, fortitude, optimism, persistence, purpose, steadfastness, strength, and vitality. Well, I agree that all of these would be helpful in the situation, but I already possess a fairly good dose of them. For example, I'm obviously "optimistic" or I wouldn't be setting out on this huge venture and I have been "persistent" in working on this for several months already.
What I need is a quality or two that will support me in facing new challenges with equanimity, because as sure as I'm sitting here waiting for the computer hospital to call and say the other machine, which we need desperately for two people to work at the same time, is finally fixed, I know there will be more difficulties waiting to screw up our schedule. Technology is like that. What it giveth in one hand with speed, it taketh away with glitches in the other.
Therefore, in reviewing the eight, it seems to me that the quality I would like to have is "grace." What is strange about my selection is that I've never before been particularly attracted to grace as a quality I consciously wanted to acquire. It always seemed to just be something that some people wore, like a beautiful cloak that flowed around their shoulders and gave them a simple air of beauty that made others feel good being around them. I would think of women who were said to have "grace" in the way they walked and carried themselves. Grace didn't strike me as a quality toward which one could particularly strive. You seemed to be born with it. I may have felt that way because early in my life I had associated it with a blessing bestowed by God on favored individuals. But I wasn't looking for a gift. I wanted to develop this facet within myself and by myself (although I don't mind if God decides to do a little granting of His own).
So I just now opened my Thesaurus and discovered that grace is related to many other qualities. Benefit. Kindness. Boon. Favor. Service. Labor of love. Courteous. Discrimination. Ease. Simplicity. Balance. Proportion. Gratitude. Contentedness.
Wow. Those are not concepts I had in mind when I originally started this illustration process. But now I rather like the idea of deliberately striving to move, think, act, and plan with grace under pressure. In fact, it seems to be just what I need if I'm to be flexible in pulling together people and content. And since I will need to continue doing this not only in the next several weeks, but in the next few years, I have decided I will work toward this quality for three months, rather than the usual month I've ordinarily given to developing a quality I wanted.
As a last piece of action, I've written the word on a post-it note and stuck it on my computer. I will also find an object or symbol that represents that quality and will place it on my desk as a reminder of my intention to create a sense of simple grace in the midst of a complex project.
I hope this illustration helps you understand how individual qualities of the human spirit encompass so much more than a single word — and can benefit you in many areas of your life.
Post Script: It's been several days since I wrote the paragraphs above and I'd like to give a progress report.
As I move through the great amount of work that must be done, about ten percent of the time there are small, yet noticeable, changes in how I approach the pressure. Hopefully I'll increase that as I work on incorporating grace more instinctively in everything I do. At this point when I think about it and am pouring water, I pour a little slower. When I am listening to my assistant or web master, I lower my shoulders and feel a sense of deliberate calmness come into my conversation.
Now I sense that I can get through what would otherwise be a very stressful time by continuing to look at the word "grace" stuck on my computer and practicing as often as I can. I haven't yet come up with a symbol, but I'm sure an image will arise if I really need one to keep me on track.
© Copyright 1999, Revised 2002, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
