Putting Qualities of the Human Spirit Into Practice
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
This article offers several suggestions for choosing and then experiencing a quality in your life, so that you can sense its power to transform situations that previously were difficult to manage.
From self-esteem and work related issues to physical problems and parenting, there is bound to be something that you wish you could handle at least a little better. So the first step in deliberately using a quality to change your life is to recall the last time you had to deal with some unpleasant situation or how awful it's going to be when you next have to face it.
1. Think of something in your life that isn't going as well as you would like
Let yourself feel how very uncomfortable you were when this happened and how concerned you are that things won't be much better in the future. Remember as vividly as you can the anger, fear, frustration and other negative consequences of continuing to approach this area of your life as you always have. And especially if this is something that's happened a number of times, notice if you're getting pretty darn tired of going through the pain and heartache time and time again.
The more you become aware of the price you pay when things don't work well, the more likely you are to follow through on your goal to add missing qualities.
2. Explore what there is about that situation that is difficult for you
Because adding a quality can get to the core of your problem, i.e., it can effect the substance of the situation rather than simply its form, it's important to figure out what there is about a particular situation that gives you trouble. That way you are more likely to choose a quality that will work over the long haul.
As an example, imagine that it is your turn to invite some people for dinner. Every time you think about it, you get a knot in your stomach. Now, there are many reasons why giving a dinner party can create anxiety and they each require a slightly different approach. But let's just look at three possibilities.
It may be that you are anxious about an upcoming dinner engagement because the people who will be coming are strongly opinionated and you find it hard to hold your ground in a discussion, in which case assertiveness would help. Using this opportunity to practice the quality of assertiveness around the dinner table can improve your sense of self in other places where people might attempt to discount your views.
Maybe you're dreading the dinner because your friends gave you poor advice about some investments and you've lost money in the market. Then you may want to forgive them for steering you wrong -- and forgive yourself for not checking out their advice before dropping a bunch of money down the drain. Learning to forgive can come in handy all through your life.
A final example. If you're worried about the party because you want to create the perfect dinner and are afraid you'll spoil the evening by being fussy over little details, as you have in the past, a big dollop of serenity can go a long way that evening, and in hundreds of other situations.
3. Choose a quality that could make the situation easier
Once you understand the basic issue as well as you can, the next step is to consider what quality could make that situation easier to deal with. If you want ideas, here is a list of qualities, in alphabetical order, that I've created and revised over the years.
Acceptance . . . Assertiveness . . . Balance . . . Beauty . . . Carefulness
Clarity . . . Compassion . . . Confidence . . . Courage . . . Creativity
Curiosity . . . Energy . . . Enthusiasm . . . Faith . . . Flexibility . . . Forgiveness
Fortitude . . . Freedom . . . Generosity . . . Gentleness . . . Grace . . . Gratitude
Harmony . . . Hope . . . Humility . . . Integrity . . . Joy . . . Kindness . . . Learning
Love . . . Morality . . . Nurturance . . . Objectivity . . . Openness . . . Optimism
Passion . . . Patience . . . Peace . . . Persistence . . . Playfulness
Purpose . . . Resilience . . . Serenity . . . Simplicity . . . Spirituality . . . Stability
Steadfastness . . . Strength . . . Tenderness . . . Tolerance . . . Vitality
You may notice that some qualities seem similar to others. However, there are enough intrinsic differences in the way the words are interpreted that I've found these particular ones cover the characteristics most of us need most often.
Incidentally, I don't use some words that are often thought of as "qualities." For example, I don't include "productivity" because that is the consequence when we express qualities such as confidence, creativity, enthusiasm, persistence, strength, and steadfastness. In a similar vein, I don't use "wisdom" because being wise is not something toward which you can strive directly. Whatever terms you may want to include on your list, it may be hard to select just one quality on which you want to focus. That is certainly the case when I've done this exercise with workshop participants. Invariably several people will insist they can't choose only a single quality because they "need all of them." I assure them that they can revisit the list later. After all, these qualities don't ever become stale or go out of fashion.
Besides, it's hard to focus on more than one quality at a time. Nevertheless, if you feel you would do better if you combined two qualities, such as "gentle strength," then go ahead. No one's grading you. The only thing you're aiming for is an improvement in some area of your life.
4. Imagine what it would be like to have that quality
Going from wanting a quality to actually expressing it requires some practice. After all, if you had known how to incorporate a quality into your life, you wouldn't have a problem in the first place. But don't worry, I will tell you a way that has helped a great number of people get in touch with qualities they wanted to use more effectively.
Read the following, close your eyes and then do it.
Imagine that all around you is a soft and beautiful cloud that is made from the quality you desire. As you take deep breaths of this quality within the cloud, let it seep into every pore. . . . Experience yourself filled with your new quality. . . . Enjoy the sense of well-being that comes from having that quality within you and available when you might need it. . . . Then imagine yourself going through the situation you want to change with that quality coursing through your body.
Sound a little silly? Trust me. I'm not trying to get you to do something weird. I'm only inviting you to explore what it would feel like if you could have a quality you need at your beckoned call. The more often you go through this exercise, the easier it is to draw upon that quality when you need it.
To see how this would work, let's say that after evaluating your hesitation to have guests over for dinner that you realize "serenity" is the quality you want. Therefore, your steps toward a pleasant, relaxed evening begin with closing your eyes and imagining yourself filled with serenity, as suggested in the exercise. Next, imagine your guests have arrived and see yourself carrying a tray or pitcher while feeling calm and unhurried. If you set aside some time every day from now until the day of the dinner when you will practice this quality, you will soon become known as a hostess with warmth and grace.
© Copyright 2001, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
