Perfectionism Lesson 6:
Diagnosing Perfectionism
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
"I'm fascinated by something new every week!"
"I can't commit to anything — I'm afraid I'll miss something better!"
"I start so many things but finish almost none of them."
"I know I should focus on one thing, but which one?"
"If I have to slow down or use only one part of me at a time, I become bored, worse than bored — I feel part of me is dying on the vine."
"If I don't get this project finished in the time I've given myself, there's something wrong with me."
"I always try to do the best in everything I do."
"I avoid doing the things I can't do well."
"If someone doesn't compliment me on a job I thought I did well, it makes me not only disappointed, but angry, even though I would never express it."
"I feel guilty a lot."
"I feel proud of what I say and think others should realize I am clever."
"I think others won't like me as well if I don't do the best job that can be done on a project."
"I let others know that I know the answer so they won't think I'm dumb."
"I am uncomfortable in situations where no one is in control, so I take control if I can. "
"I expect others will praise me for what I do and am disappointed when they don't."
If you identify yourself much more by the first five statements than the rest, you may not be a perfectionist so much as a "Scanner." To learn more about scanners, read the sidebar.
However, if the rest of the statements resonate with you, you are likely a perfectionist. If you are married to someone who expresses those ideas (even though he or she doesn't say them quite that way), you would do well to read the first lesson, Perfectionism is a Pain in the Butt, in addition to this piece. Understanding what drives your perfectionist can go a long way in learning to live comfortably with their desire to be in control. (I figure many of you will head from the index page to this article because it's called Diagnosing Perfectionism. However, there's something to learn about this personality style in each of these lessons.)
Anyway, if you read that first lesson, you'll see that I was impressed with how much Lynn Jacobs, the workshop leader, was able to articulate my experience. For example, she pointed out that we perfectionists hide a lot of anger because we feel impotent if we haven't done our best (or surpassed it). You see, we're afraid we don't measure up to the standards we think others have set for us, but at the same time we need their approval so badly we're not willing to confront them and learn whether we've guessed correctly.
Consequently, not wanting to check what others really want from us (which would be a sign of weakness and indicate we hadn't understood — mind reading being one of the skills perfectionists think they ought to have), we put on a cheerful face but shudder in our fear we won't be liked. Talk about irrational beliefs of a perfectionist!
What do we do with our fear? We call it "guilt" if we're not assured that what we did is absolutely great (for example, by getting an A+). We "assume" the other person (teacher, parent, friend, boss, or even children, though on second thought, we generally don't have to guess whether our kids think we live up to their expectations) believes we didn't do what we were "supposed" to do. In actual fact, we may have done exactly what another person wanted (or what he or she would have been satisfied to accept) long before we finally got around to finishing a project. (To learn more about guilt, see Five Kinds of Guilt.)
One of the other things Lynn Jacobs said that really hit home was that perfectionists carefully observe what others do and say and rank them all the time. Are they doing what they "should" be doing? This is something I definitely knew I did. I just wasn't aware others knew it about me. Thought I had kept it pretty covered up.
Something I found particularly amusing about Lynn's description of perfectionists is that loss is hard for us. This is, in part, because we are control oriented and disintegrate in the face of loss of control. At the same time, we're ambivalent in making decisions. To make a decision means we are not omnipotent, which results in a feeling of shame in having experienced loss. So we put off decision-making until the last possible moment so we won't have to go through the loss of possibly choosing the wrong thing! (This may be puzzling to non-perfectionists, but to us it makes perfect sense.)
On the day of the workshop I proved this characteristic right on the money! Before going home, I stopped at the video store to rent a video. Not sure what kind of movie I'd like to watch that evening, I got three. That's right, three. My logic at the time was that I would "probably" watch two and it wasn't that expensive to get an extra one in case I was in the mood for comedy rather than drama. Of course, I knew that there really wasn't time for more than one movie. However, by buying three, I protected myself from the possibility of having made a bad decision, which might have happened had I chosen only one and that one didn't turn out to be the "perfect" movie of the moment.
I hope you're getting the picture. One of the results of perfectionism is that we can't even buy a DVD without experiencing conflict. We're complicated beings, we perfectionists, but we can often hide the painful parts of our personalities because we do so darn many things well. People can count on us. The only problem is that inside we're more miserable than we're willing to admit. It's hard work having to be on top all the time.
Some Other Descriptions of Perfectionists
From the above discussion and other lessons of a recovering perfectionist, you can see why a definition of perfectionism is "a propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards." Consequently, a perfectionist is "a person displeased by anything that does not meet very high standards." Unfortunately, this viewpoint means that, in a world where consistently high standards are not the norm, perfectionists feel displeased much of the time!
The Enneagram personality model of personality describes nine distinct types.
According to the Enneagram website, "each personality type is defined by a chief mental and emotional concern which underlies the development of the personality and highly influences the life experiences of the person who falls under that particular Enneagram type." Although I'm not terribly familiar with more than the perfectionist Enneagram type, I think their description of perfectionists is fairly on target:
Critical, judgmental, opinionated, constant monitoring and internal commentary on right and wrong.
Controlling. Hard to see other's point of view.
A contained (controlled) or righteous anger. . . . sometimes do not know they are angry, though others may easily pick up on it.
Critical, judgmental, opinionated, constant monitoring and internal commentary on right and wrong.
Difficult to allow one's self to experience pleasure, "There can be pleasure in working." Repression of impulses and desires.
A Test for Perfectionism
In addition to looking at the statements at the beginning of this article that relate to perfectionism, here are some questions I've put together that can help you know if you're a member of our perfectionist society. I don't give you a score card to grade yourself on this quiz because I don't believe you need someone else to tell you if you're a perfectionist. You know. At least if you're honest with yourself you'll know.
Here goes:
Do I like to prove my value as a person by showing others I am totally competent at some task? [yes/no]
Why?
Do I attempt to enhance my position at work or with others by pursuing tasks and making certain others know who well I have done? [yes/no]
If so, why do I think this is so?
If not, why not?
Do I tend to believe that others want me to achieve something well and that they have high standards for me even if they don't say it?
Why?
Am I impatient with my own errors and notice that images of past failures plague me? [yes/no]
How do I keep reminding myself of what I haven't done well enough?
Can I separate striving for excellence, which is sometimes possible to attain, and striving for perfection, which is not? [yes/no]
If so, how do I manage to remind myself of this difference when I am in the middle of an important project?
If someone complains that I am being a perfectionist, what is my response?
Why?
If someone makes a comment about a topic of which I know something, do I feel I have to make certain they know I, too, know about it?
If so, why?
Do others complain that the standards I set for them are two high? [yes/no]
How accurate might that accusation be?
When have I tried to do a job perfectly (though I may tell myself that I'm just aiming to do a "very good" job), then postponed the job because I didn't have all the steps laid out to do it "right," and then became paralyzed at the prospect and ended up not doing it at all?
How often does this happen to me?
Do I often feel that nothing I do will ever be enough? [yes/no]
Do I often behave as though everything I do is going to be inscribed on my tombstone? [yes/no/more than I'd like to admit]
Do I identify myself as a perfectionist? [yes/no]
Links to Articles Describing Perfectionism
Since a perfectionist wants as much information as he or she can possibly get before deciding whether or not to diagnose himself or herself as a perfectionist, here are some websites with additional symptoms/traits of a perfectionist.
 Perfectionists and Worriers, from chapter 6 of "Psychological Self-Help"
The Narcissistic-Perfectionistic Personality Type
Wikipedia's description of perfectionism
© Copyright 2006, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT
|
It has long been an axiom that perfectionism causes procrastination, which leads to paralysis in which the perfectionist can't seem to do anything. So if someone has difficulty getting started on projects, or goes from one project to another without completing them, she may assume she is a failed perfectionist. She wants to do well but doesn't do anything. 
