Perfectionism Lesson 2:
Giving Up Control Isn't The End of the World
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.
— Stanley J. Randall
While my husband is taking another hike, I'm writing this in longhand with my clipboard on the rail of a wooden bridge and will type it up when I get home.
I wish I could take a picture and attach it to this e-mail because I'm looking down on a bolder-strewn creek that flows another mile down to Switzer's Falls in the Angeles National Forest. Except for a few flies, the setting is idyllic and the weather perfect — as close to nirvana as I've come for a long time.
What does this spot in the mountains have to do with "taking control and letting go," which is the topic I've selected for today's newsletter? Well, you see, I'm still recovering from my perfectionism and this has been a prime lesson. In case you know someone like me (or perhaps you, yourself, share some of the qualities of this personality style), you may appreciate what today's experience offers — letting go can bring untold pleasures.
Let me explain a little bit more. Perfectionists want to maximize the possibility of making the "right" decision, of selecting the "best" of possible choices. There's more to it, of course, but it's enough for you to realize that while we may sometimes allow others to choose a movie or restaurant without putting in our two-cents worth, we are often secretly afraid that the other person may not make quite as good a choice as we would.
So today, as we were driving here to celebrate the Fourth with a picnic and hike, my husband suggested we try Switzer's Falls, which is on the way to Chilao campground, where I had wanted to go. I wasn't at all sure this spot would be as good, but — determined to get the better of my perfectionism — I didn't say anything more, although I suspected we'd either find the good tables gone or something else wouldn't be quite as good as my original choice, which as another ten miles away.
And what happened? Much to my surprise and GREAT pleasure, here we found a spot next to this lovely stream and secluded from other picnickers just across this bridge. My unspoken chagrin at what I had almost passed up was increased when my dear husband reminded me that there isn't a stream in Chilao.
The message from this bridge, therefore, is that being in control as much as possible is a perfectly decent goal much of the time. But I will add this adventure to many others I've made in recent years as I progressively shed my need to be involved in every decision. There can be unexpected joy in keeping quiet and following the suggestions of others that just possibly may be BETTER than the ones I would have made.
© Copyright July 4, 1998, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
