Lessons of
a Recovering Perfectionist
BY ARLENE
HARDER, MA, MFT
Leading a more satisfying
live by learning to be less of a perfectionist.
According
to Word
Tracker, each month approximately 1,054 people
Google the term "perfectionist" and 2,418
look for "perfectionism."
Some of these people may want
to learn how to be less of a perfectionist, or they
may be in love with a perfectionist and wonder how
you can keep him or her from expecting you to be
perfect also, or they may be doing a research paper
on perfectionism for school.
Interestingly, each month 124
people enter into Google the search term "how
to be a
perfectionist" and 124 look for "how to be
less of a perfectionist."
It is part of the definition of
perfectionism that such people set extra-ordinarily
high standards for themselves. They may wonder how
anyone could want to do less than their very best
all the time. They can't understand why others talk
about the "irrational beliefs of a perfectionist." From
their perspective, they feel it's only logical that
they've accomplished a great deal precisely because
of their insistence on being
perfect as often as humanly possible — even
striving to surpass that goal — all the while
denying they are doing anything out of the ordinary.
I have found that whether working
with clients, observing perfectionist friends, or
remembering what I was like when I was first accused
of being a perfectionist, that perfectionists — almost
without exception — will always claim they aren't
a perfectionist, they're "simply trying to do
their best." The problem is that what perfectionists
call "their best" is applied to everything
they want to do (or nearly everything) and if they
don't meet their self-imposed goals, they experience
a sense of shame non-perfectionists wouldn't understand.
In any case, in the articles on
the right you'll find several examples of a perfectionist,
mostly me, in action. You'll read about the practical,
day-to-day struggles of someone who's spent a lifetime
battling with perfectionism in its many guises — but
more and more winning the battle.
Incidentally, you may notice I
don't present the "Lessons of a Recovering Perfectionist" in
any particular order. Each piece has been written
simply to share what I know personally about some
of the causes of perfectionism and what happens when
one experiences perfectionism burnout. Had I tried
to take on the topic of perfectionism from a more
theoretical perspective, I know I would have slipped
back into my perfectionistic tendencies. When looked
at from a clinical perspective, you may get the impression
that overcoming perfectionism is fairly simple if
you just study the topic long enough.
No, my friends, the treatment
for perfectionism is not an intellectual exercise.
If it were, you would probably have been cured years
ago. Rather, curing perfectionism arises from "doing" far
more than from understanding. It's in the day-to-day
struggle to get out there and simply "do what
needs to be done" as Garrison Keillor says about
the folks in Lake Wobegon. It's following the advice
of a nineteenth century British preacher, Cardinal
Newman, who said, "A man would do nothing, if
he waited until he could do it so well that no one
would find fault with what he has done." (Incidentally,
I found this quote in Psychological
Self-Help by Dr. Clay Tucker-Ladd, one of the
links to outside sources that you will find on the
right.)
No matter how you happen to be
reading this page and the articles on the right in
which I share my perfectionist experience, I hope
you will see that life is so much easier when you
free yourself from the pressure and guilt created
by self-imposed high standards.
I welcome your comments and suggestions.
Use the Contact Us link
to reach me with your comments. |
Lesson
1: 
