A guided imagery exercise:
Letting Go of Tension by Forgiving Others
AN IMAGERY SCRIPT BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
One of the best ways to release stress is to learn how to forgive those who have hurt us in some way and to open our hearts to reconciliation.
If you would like to learn how to let go of the pain and pressure of holding onto old angers, hurts, and resentments that others have created in your life, you may find this piece quite helpful. Since I have covered this technique in the article called Forgiving Yourself and Others, here I present the idea in the form of an imagery script, or exercise.
As with all the imagery scripts on this website, you can use this in several different ways. First, simply read it as you would read any article, with the purpose of learning something and exploring how that might apply to you. On the other hand, you may want to get into the piece more deeply by reading it several times to yourself, pausing when you come to breaks identified by three periods (. . .) in order to have time to experience that section in whatever way feels comfortable to you.
Or, you can try to experience it as a regular imagery exercise is usually done, that is, first read it into a tape player (or have a friend or family member read it for you) and then, as you listen to it, close your eyes and follow along in whatever way feels right to you. To learn more about the technique of imagery, I suggest you first read Using Imagery Scripts. You might even want to take our Imagery Classes, which are easy to do at your own pace and can teach you about this effective technique for gaining insight into the forgiveness process.
You can begin this exercise on letting go of tension by forgiving others by first becoming as comfortable as you can. . . . And as you allow your body to feel fully supported, gently close your eyes. . . . Begin to relax by letting any tension or discomfort flow down your body, into the furniture and then into the ground. . . . continuing to relax more and more, let your mind become quiet and still . . .
And remaining very relaxed and yet alert, quiet the chatter in your mind and move your attention to that place within where you are open to healing and new possibilities. . . . And now, from that centered, open place within, allow an image to form of a person you would like to forgive, or at least to explore the possibility of forgiving at some time in the future. This person may still be part of your life or you may no longer have any contact with him or her. And when you have that image firmly in mind, you can begin to explore the process of forgiveness by noticing how you feel when you are reminded of how that person said or did something that caused you pain. Even though you may not want to touch those places in your heart that have been hurt, your willingness to recognize the depth of your own pain is an important motivation for forgiving. And so experience how you feel when you remember the incident or incidents that caused this ache inside. . . .
As you re-experience this pain, it may help you to explore the reasons why you have not forgiven this person before now. Is your pain so great that you can't imagine it ever going away? If that is the way you feel, perhaps forgiveness would seem like allowing the other person to get off scott free, while you have always had to carry the burden of that person's action. . . . Have you not forgiven because you feel responsible for everything that happened in this encounter, including the responsibility that belongs to the other person. . . . Have your resentment and anger allowed the other person to have power over you? . . . Can it be that you and the other person have allowed the original actions or words to fester, so they now have grown out of proportion to whatever actually happened and forgiveness now has to encompass much more? . . . Is the reason you haven't forgiven because you are afraid that if you do so, you will let down your guard and be unprotected and then the person will be able to hurt you again? . . . And finally, have you not forgiven because you really aren't sure how to do it? . . .
Many people have these common concerns about forgiveness and one or more of them may have kept you from forgiving in the past. Nevertheless, I invite you to go through the imagery exercise and try it on to see if the coat of forgiveness might just fit you better than you had imaged. When you are finished, you may discover, despite your concerns, that you experience some restoration of inner harmony-and realize that forgiveness is possible.
And now begin the forgiveness exercise by imaging that the person who has harmed you in some way is sitting in front you. If you were physically injured by that person and are afraid of being too close, either have the person be so far away that he or she could not possibly hurt you or allow an image to form of something that could protect you if you sense that you need protection. . . .
Look carefully at who this person was when he or she hurt you emotionally, physically or, perhaps, financially. Take a moment to consider how he or she became the person he or she was at the time this happened. Based on how that person was raised and on what that person had experienced up to that time, could he or she have been any different when this happened? . . .
The forgiveness exercise involves looking at this person and telling him or her what you need to say in order to heal the wounds you've been carrying so long. I will first go through this statement without any pauses and then I'll read the words again more slowly, giving you time to repeat them either aloud or silently to yourself. You may want to say the words I say or, if you prefer, use other words that work better for you. There will be a few times when you will need to add your own words in order to make this exercise fit your specific situation, rather like fill-in-the-blank sentences.
And now, let's rehearse how you can speak to the person who is sitting in front of you.
You begin with, "When you said or did (here is where you'll insert whatever the person said or did that was wrong or hurtful), I was hurt and angry. I would have preferred (and here you say what it was that you would have liked instead). But you did not. Whenever I think of what you actually said or did, I have let myself be tied to negative feelings. I have held onto my demand that you should have said or done something different. I no longer choose to hold onto the tension and hurt that accompanies my memory of what you said or did.
"Therefore, I cancel the demands, expectations and conditions I placed on you that you should have (and here is where you will state again what you would have preferred). You are totally responsible for your own actions and deeds."
"I now send my love (or, if that word is too strong for you, my acceptance) to you as a human being, just as you were and are now."
Now let's go through that again slowly and this time you can say the words after me, imagining as completely as possible that the person is sitting in front of you.
"When you said or did_______ . . . I was hurt and angry. . . . I would have preferred _____ . . . .But you did not. . . . When I think about what you said or did, . . . I have let myself be tied to negative feelings. . . . I have held onto my demand . . . that you should have said or done something different. . . . I no longer choose to hold onto the tension and hurt . . . that accompanies my memory of what you said or did.
"Therefore, I cancel the demands, expectations and conditions I placed on you that you should have ____. . . You are totally responsible for your own actions and deeds."
"I now send my love, or acceptance . . . to you as a human being, . . . just as you were and are now."
And now imagine that your love or acceptance is going out to the other person. Take your time to experience how your body feels when you release the conditions you placed on this person that he or she be someone they did not know how to be or, for whatever reason, were unable to be. . . .
Do not be concerned if you do not feel totally accepting of the other person, that is often the case when the hurt is very, very deep and the damage created was great. Yet when you at least attempt to let go of old demands that people be different from what they are, accept whatever sense of relief you experience as being a gift you give yourself. Each time you repeat this exercise, you will feel release from another piece of the pain.
And if you find today that all your pain is gone for a specific incident, it may be that you will want to forgive the person for something else he or she did that still bothers you. We sometimes have to do this because our minds find it difficult to grant a blanket forgiveness for every action another has done. And so it is often helpful to go through this process for each demand you have been holding against another person. And remember, too, that the person does not have to be aware of what you have done. This exercise is for you much more than for him or her.
And now, as you prepare to end this exercise, feel the increased sense of power that comes from recognizing that you can have strong preferences that someone behave in a certain way and yet not demand that they act as you would want them to, no matter how reasonable those expectations may seem to you. Take just a moment now and experience the freedom that comes from taking responsibility only for your own actions and allowing others to be responsible for themselves. . . .
And now, turn your attention back to the room, bringing with you whatever you need to remember that is especially important for you to know about forgiveness. . . and taking a deep energizing breath, . . . stretch your arms and legs . . . and gently open your eyes so that you are fully alert and awake, feeling peaceful and calm.
© Copyright 1992, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
