Unhooking the Velcro Syndrome
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
When you're pulled off-balance by an emotional reaction to what others do and say, you lose the ability to react from the calm center that can give you the most effective way to respond.
The Cowboy
This article had its origin in an experience I had almost twenty years ago. I was a student in a school of psychology called Psychosynthesis and volunteered to work with another student, believing I would do a great job. To my surprise, she rejected my offer, giving a reason I've long forgotten. What I clearly remember is my reaction! I immediately wanted to cry, but that would have put the focus on me, which wasn't appropriate. So I pulled myself together and somehow managed to get through the next two hours.
When I got to the car, I finally cried. Then I said, "Okay, guys, who's beating up on me?" To understand the question, I should explain that one aspect of the Psychosynthesis model deals with "sub-personalities" These are the sometimes unruly and immature parts of our personality. By identifying them and by giving them names, it can be easier to understand and control them, rather than having them control us.
After I asked the question, I got the distinct impression that one of the sub-personalities that had tried to take over earlier in the evening had thrown a lasso over my head and pulled me off center. I called him "The Cowboy" and objected to the way he prevented me from feeling in control of my emotions. In case that happened in the future, I thought I might be able to regain my balance more quickly if I imagined his rope was made from rubber. For a long time after that, whenever I would find myself caught unawares by a comment or action of another person, I would simply pretend (I have a good imagination) that I could move my arms out to the sides just enough to wiggle out of the lasso. Then I would return, in my imagination, to a more centered position. (To learn more about the way in which ordinary images affect us every day, read The Power of Images and Symbols.)
Several years ago, when I made an imagery tape with the same title as this article, I decided to have the lasso made of Velcro. I hope you agree that a metaphor of Velcro can work just as well for you as a rubber lasso, and perhaps even better.
Pulled Off Balance
It happens to all of us. We're pleasantly going about our business when someone does or says something and suddenly our stomach churns . . . our head pounds . . we get extremely angry . . . or we're swept with an overwhelming sense of incompetence and feel like a total jerk. It doesn't matter that we know our reaction is way out of proportion to what just occurred. What does matter is that we don't know how to stop ourselves. Why can't we take the advice of others when they tell us, "Just don't let it bother you."?
All of us are overly sensitive to some topics and feel insecure about ourselves in one way or another. When someone puts us down with a thoughtless comment, when a superior brusquely demands we redo a project we thought was already pretty good, when a driver cuts us off on the highway, rather than simply telling ourselves that these people could use some lessons in tact and kindness, we can be overwhelmed by our emotions. It almost feels as though something physically prevents us from reacting any other way, like a helpless piece of Velcro that can't resist getting hooked by the barbs on another piece of Velcro.
You see, I rather think we all have some Velcro. It is created from our blind spots, from excessive self-criticism, from the belief that our opinions are right and others are wrong, or from any of the many unpolished parts of our personalities. Consequently, when our rough spots get hooked by the rough places in the personality of our bosses, neighbors, friends, siblings, parents and children, we get pulled off-balance. Further, because we're as flawed as the next person, we also say and do things that unintentionally offend others and pull them off-balance.
I call this very human characteristic the "Velcro Syndrome." In fact, there is a quality of Velcro which, when applied to this personality metaphor, is extremely accurate: a very, very, very small piece of Velcro will stick to another piece. Consequently, no matter what your size of Velcro may be, there's a good chance it will get hooked by another person. However, the smaller your piece, the easier it is to disengage yourself after you're caught, even if the other person's piece is extremely large.
Refusing to be Jerked Around
Fortunately, you can deactivate the Velcro Syndrome by doing three things.
1. Peel off the Velcro
Think back to the last time you were going about your ordinary life, perhaps feeling pretty good about yourself, when someone said or did something that caused you to react in a way you wish you hadn't. Notice how any sense you had of feeling cool, calm and collected vanished the instant your emotions flared up. You felt yourself knocked off balance, just as if the other person lassoed you with a loop of their Velcro, snagged you with their barbs, and yanked you in a direction you hadn't intended to go.
The next time you are lassoed and pulled off balance, here's what you do. Imagine you simply peel off their Velcro! It's not a chain. It's not even a rope. All you have to do is just peel it off and throw it away. Don't worry, the other person won't even notice, because you're just doing this in your imagination.
2. Focus on your breath
Once you've peeled off the Velcro, the next step is to take several deep breaths. I recommend you do this by inhaling fully through your nose and slowly exhaling through your mouth, as though you are gently blowing on a candle. Then return to your normal, natural way of breathing. Again, the other person won't notice. However, by focusing on your breath, you will calm your emotions and be more able to collect your thoughts. That they will notice!
With a little practice, you'll find this breath technique works better for developing self-control than counting to ten.
3. Find the calm within the storm
Just as the winds of a hurricane swirl around a calm center, so, too, can you remain calm and keep your head while, as Kipling said, others all around are losing theirs. This is how you can create your own calm center.
When the lasso of Velcro no longer has you in its grip and you have used your calming breath, imagine there is a magic circle drawn on the floor around you. Only you can see it. This circle identifies the area within it as your special place of calm power, peace and self-assurance. You might even want to imagine that the circle is a Teflon shield. Velcro definitely cannot stick to that. Whenever you are safe within your circle, people can throw at you all the Velcro they have and they won't be able to hook you.
It Pays to Practice
When someone else's Velcro catches our Velcro, our conditioned response happens so suddenly that it can be difficult to remember these three steps. Before we know it, we've been thrown off our guard again. Then it can take a long time to extricate ourselves from the Velcro Syndrome.
This is why I strongly recommend you take a few minutes (right now might be a good time) to rehearse your new reactions. Begin by again reading Refusing to be Jerked Around, the section you've just finished. This time, imagine yourself actually going through each step, noticing the sense of freedom you have when you peel off the Velcro, the calming effect of concentrating on your breath, and the power that comes from being within your circle of safety.
Then the next time you realize you've been lassoed, remember what you just reviewed. Peel off the Velcro. Breathe deeply. Look down at your circle. You will discover a new self-assurance has replaced your automatic reaction. Most important, you will be on your way to taking charge of how you want to respond.
Orchestra Leader, CEO, Director of a Play
If every musician in an orchestra played any way her or she wanted, at any tempo, and at any volume, the audience would clean out fast. Someone has to be in charge. Someone must direct the players so that some instruments are heard at one time and other instruments at another. Clearly, cymbals and drums are not supposed to crash and boom when the score calls for soft violins.
Similarly, an outburst of anger is not appropriate when calm control is needed. Also, there is a time for crying when feelings are hurt; the middle of an executive meeting is not one of those times. Unfortunately, when you are jerked off balance, for the first few moments you may only be aware of your anger, your hurt, and other strong emotions. Then it feels as though no one is in charge — your emotions can play any tune they want.
By taking a deep breath and returning to the calm center within the circle, however, it becomes much easier to remind yourself that you are able to control your anger, you are loved, you are competent, and so on. Then you can calm your anger, push back inappropriate tears, and evaluate a mistake in such a way that you don't feel totally incompetent or defensive.
When you're in control again, it's like having the orchestra leader walk back on stage, pick up the baton, and take charge. Other analogies for assuming a role of inner authority can be that of CEO, director of a play, captain of a ship, or teacher in a room full of potentially disruptive students. When you become centered and consciously assume a position of decision-maker, you can choose the emotional response that is best for that situation.
The Ultimate Velcro Remover
To reinforce your willingness to respond differently the next time you're caught in the Velcro Syndrome, you may want to use a special phrase I have found extremely helpful for anyone learning something new: "Until now I haven't known how to . . . (fill in the blank), but now I'm learning how to . . .(again, fill in the blank)."
This statement is very powerful! Why? Because it essentially acknowledges the reality that you haven't known how to respond differently in the past, yet you are willing to change your behavior. That willingness to change is the first step in deactivating your Velcro. For example, if the issue you want to work on is to avoid getting pulled into pointless arguments with your daughter, you can say to yourself, "Until now I haven't known how to end pointless arguments with my daughter, but now I am learning how to hear her side and not feel I must always respond with my opinion."
If you would like to practice this right now, think of what you would like to change about a particular situation that, in the past, has easily gotten you hooked. What would you like to do differently to avoid getting caught in the Velcro Syndrome? When you have an idea of what it is, just say to yourself, "Until now I haven't known how to . . ." and then add, "but now I am learning. . . ."
Using this statement can help reduce or eliminate some of your Velcro and thus prevent you from getting caught so easily in the Velcro Syndrome — which is a lot better than having to deal with a big piece of Velcro after you're lassoed and pulled off-balance.
© Copyright 1993, Revised 2002, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
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