Preventing Ego From Destroying Love
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
This second part of the article on the role egos play in disagreements gives practical advice on putting the ego in its place.
PAGE TWO OF TWO PAGES
PAGE ONE
Putting Ego in Its Place
After you create an imaginary Ego, you will probably notice that it is still wound up from wanting to win the argument. So I suggest you get further distance from the insistent Ego by taking a very deep breath and exhaling slowly through your mouth, as though you're blowing gently on a candle flame. This can be your signal to release some of the tension Ego has created and to acknowledge your willingness to look at the situation in a more objective way. (Incidentally, if you practice this a number of times, you can use it during real arguments to stop your Ego from taking over so easily.)
Once you are more relaxed, you will discover that it's a great deal easier to control this Ego that gets you in trouble. In fact, the next step is to tell your Ego to be quiet. There are several ways to do this. Some people I have worked with stop the Ego's chatter by asking firmly and with authority. Others have to say "SHUT UP!" Still others, before getting their Ego to quiet down, first have to acknowledge their Ego for preventing them from being walked all over by another person. Whatever technique you choose, you'll have to stand firm. The Ego loves coming back and rehashing old arguments.
Having dismissed your Ego, take a moment to collect your thoughts. Objectively notice the fears and insecurities stirred up in both of you by the argument. Taking time to explore these issues when you are away from the other person will help when you return to the other room — especially when you prevent the Ego from interfering.
A Symbol of What You Want
When I began this article, I talked about the positive qualities we would like to have in our relationships, qualities like respect, understanding, love, give-and-take, easy companionship. What symbol might represent these goals for you? For example, you may envision friendship, love and harmony as something like a sphere, whole and smooth. Perhaps it might be more traditional, like the gift of a beautiful flower. Get as clear a sense of your image as you can, for it will play an important role in helping you solve problems, not only with the person with whom you've been reviewing an argument, but with many others as well.
Returning to the Scene of the Disagreement
The next step in this practice of preventing Ego from destroying love is to imagine you return once more to the room where the other person is waiting. As you again take your seat, pretend you place on the table - right there between you - the image you have just created. In fact, you can't see the other person without also noticing this image of respect, understanding, wholeness and love. True, the symbol is "just" in your imagination, but such "made up" ideas are great substitutes for an Ego that is very willing to separate you into camps of right and wrong.
In fact, I suggest you take a moment (right now might be a good time) to experience what it would be like to really and truly hold in your mind an image of the goal you have for your relationship. You might even want to imagine you are discussing something about which you have differences of opinion.
Now, with the image on the table between you, imagine you say something like the following:
"It doesn't feel good to have our disagreement end as it did. I want to return to the topic, not to increase pressure on you so that I can win, but to explore why it was so important for me to feel I was right. I also want to understand how my opinions and the way I presented them affected you, and why you believe as you do, for you surely have good reasons for your position, just as I have good reasons for mine."
You don't need to remember these specific words when you use this technique in a real situation. You only have to convey your intention, which is to let the other person know you want to learn from your disagreement.
It is possible, of course, that the other person will refuse to discuss the topic again. But even if the other person is not open to helping you learn and your relationship does not survive, you will have discovered a great deal. Learning about yourself is never a waste of time and energy. What you learn can be used in future relationships.
By the way, this technique is not limited to close relationships. It can also be applied to coworkers, neighbors or anyone else with whom you might have disagreements. These people may not be willing to explore the issues that cause you, or them, to feel defensive or demanding. In some cases it may not be appropriate to pursue the issue further.
Remember, if you dismiss your Ego during disagreements, you will have a fair chance of avoiding an unsatisfactory ending to your argument. For example, sometimes I've imagined that I've sent my Ego out of the room, and have watched in my mind's eye as the inflated Ego balloon floats out the door. (Unfortunately, I don't remember to do this often enough.)
If you keep in mind what you want from a relationship and work on controlling your Ego, you will have a good chance of having warm, loving friendships.
© Copyright 1997, Revised 2002, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
