Preventing Ego From Destroying Love
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
PAGE ONE OF TWO PAGES
This article, based on an imagery exercise I created with the same title, comes from very personal experience. I have allowed my Ego to dominate more than one argument. As I've learned over the years, however, it's more fun to be loved than to always be right. Besides, on closer examination, some of my strongly held opinions turn out to be quite wrong, or at least less accurate than I once insisted they were.
Since symbols and images are often catalysts for change (see The Power of Images and Symbols), I have used the ideas discussed here to prevent some of the blocks that my Ego places in my path.
Full of Hot Air
I will freely admit that my Ego has led me astray more times than I can count. Each time I've faced my Ego directly, however, I've been able to put it in its place, although over the years it has changed shape.
At one time, my Ego looked much like a short Rumpelstiltskin character, demanding I get my way. Another time it was a petulant schoolgirl stamping her foot, demanding I get my way. The last time I looked, it was a blustery balloon (like those in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade) that was full of hot air, but still demanded I get my way. In all these permutations, I could see that Ego wanted me to win because she/he/it was afraid of what would happen if I didn't -- I would be hurt. What my Ego failed to see was that I got hurt anyway. That's because I didn't get what I really wanted from winning - the sense of being loved and connected with others.
Now that I have a better grasp on how much my Ego is made up of hot air, I'm often able to return to disagreements that have ended unsatisfactorily and get what I really want from my friends and my spouse - love, respect, understanding, and the ability to reach amicable compromises.
Incidentally, you may notice that I capitalize the word "Ego." This is because I want to emphasis the part of the ego that interferes with relationships, claims we're more important than we really are, and is reluctant to see things from the other guy's point of view.
When You Think You're Right
Most of us would agree that the ideal conclusion to a disagreement is one in which both people feel satisfied with the resolution or, at the very least, understand and respect one another. Certainly I like to win an argument if we have exchanged strongly held points of view and thrashed out issues. Then it feels good if the other person genuinely changes his or her opinion because of my logic.
But what happens when the conflict is not resolved amicably? What if one person insists on winning and the other gives in just to keep the peace? When that happens to you, are you usually the winner or the reluctant loser? In either case, you believe the other person is wrong. After all, if you thought he or she was right, there wouldn't have been a disagreement in the first place.
Unfortunately, disagreements that end this way prevent us from getting what we want from friendship and family relationships: respect, a sense of closeness, shared pleasure and the freedom to be ourselves. With our primary partner, we also want sexual intimacy. However, if our opinions are discounted, if we discount the opinions of the other person, if we allow the other to win only because that person is demanding, or if we don't know how to express ourselves well enough to make our position understood, distance is sure to grow between us. Even if we win the skirmish, the casualty is usually high - a rift in the fabric of love and friendship.
It's the Ego, Stupid
The problem, not surprisingly, is that constantly demanding companion, Ego, although, it would have us believe that any problems are caused by the other person's ego. It encourages us to think, "I wouldn't feel so defensive and so misunderstood if he were just willing to see his blind spots, or if she were just willing to admit my point of view is valid." Our Ego doesn't encourage us to say, "Maybe we could have solved this disagreement if only I were more open to seeing my blind spots, or only if I could admit that the other person has a valid point."
The Ego is only doing its job, of course, which is to give us a sense of self and protect us from pain. It has decided that we can only feel good about ourselves if we think we are right. It has also decided that it's much less painful to see other people as defensive than it is to examine what we might have done that caused them to feel that way. It is easier to claim that someone doesn't understand us than it is to examine what we might have said that contributed to any misunderstanding. After all, we assume we have perfectly logical reasons for our opinions. We fail to understand that the other person might have equally good reasons for believing otherwise.
It may be difficult to admit we aren't as open to learning as we could be. But when we're willing to set aside the assumption that the other person is automatically wrong, we are more apt to reach a conclusion that is satisfying to both of us.
There is an even more important reason for learning from disagreements, which is knowing what causes us to get hooked in the first place and how other people get hooked by us. Once we know what sets us off, we can disconnect our "buttons," so someone won't get a reaction if they push them (intentionally or otherwise) in the future. However, since it can take a while to disconnect all our buttons, Unhooking the Velcro Syndrome can show you what to do if you get caught in old reactions.
Remember Your Last Unsatisfactory Argument?
One of the easiest ways to control your Ego the next time you get into a disagreement is to examine what happened the last time you had an argument that ended poorly. You remember, that one in which you felt misunderstood and unappreciated, even if you got your way. If the other person got his or her way and you outwardly agreed to it, did you only do so to end the argument? As you reexamine this situation, first notice what your attitude was when you realized you had different points of view. Was it your intention to learn something about the other person's viewpoint or just to prove a point of your own?
Next, take an honest look at how the disagreement ended. How did you feel toward the other person? How did that person react to you?
It may not be easy for you to be truthful. The Ego makes it hard for lots of us. But until you are willing to risk the possibility that your Ego may have led you astray, you are less likely to have the kind of relationship you really want, especially if you want greater intimacy. Even more, until you are honest, others may feel no reason to be open, either.
A Symbol of the Ego
To help you set the stage for friendly conflict resolution in the future, use your imagination to return to the conflict you are remembering. Pretend that the other person is seated at a table across from you (even if the argument happened in the middle of a store or other place without a table). In the air hangs the conclusion that feels unfinished and/or uncomfortable to you and, probably, to the other person as well. Imagine further that you excuse yourself for a moment, get up from the table and go into a room nearby and close the door.
As you sit down in the other room, you may notice that your Ego has followed. It wants to rehash the argument and give you additional ammunition to prove the other person is wrong. Possibly you can even use your imagination to see this Ego character in your mind's eye.
As silly as this suggestion may seem, it works for many of my clients because it seems to help them separate that part of them that wants to win (their Ego) from their more accommodating nature (their Love). Once they realize they can distance from their Ego, even if it means turning it into an imaginary figure, they find it easier to keep it in perspective. However, don't worry if you don't come up with an image you can see in your mind's eye. The important thing is to get a sense that your over-consuming Ego tries very hard to convince you the other person is wrong.
Continued on page two |
These quotes come from 
, written and compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr., and are reprinted with permission.
