Inner Mirrors and Closets Begin the Day

BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT

Each day begins with a visit to our inner mirrors and closets, where we prepare ourselves to be the kind of person we think we need to be.

You're probably like most of us and don't give much thought to your mirror or your closet. Yet they are an integral part of getting up and facing the day.

Of course, if men weren't expected to shave, many of them could do very well without a mirror, only running a comb briefly through their hair. That is far from the case with most women. For them the mirror is essential to their self-image. When they look at their reflection, they decide what "adjustments" to face and hair must be make if they are to project to the world either the image they have come to believe is expected of them, or the one they want the world to see because it represents who they really are.

Then consider our closets. Unless we're willing to re-use clothes we threw on the floor the night before, we head for this cabinet or enclosed recess to find something that can cover the parts of our body we've been told should be covered. Men often grab a shirt and a pair of pants, throw on a jacket and consider their dressing finished. Women, on the other hand, almost assuredly spend more time pondering what to wear, since we've been trained since girlhood to believe that we'll be judged on the basis of our face, hair, and clothes, to say nothing of the all-important image of weight.

So our mirrors and closets are necessary features in our physical house. But we also have a mirror and a closet in our metaphorical house. These, too, are critical in helping us face the world.

A Metaphorical Mirror

Let's start by exploring the internal mirror into which we constantly look.

Reflecting on Who We Are

This mirror is designed to help us understand our emotions, strengths, personality traits, talents, goals, values, state of health and everything else that makes us "who we are." Each morning, much as the wicked step-mother in the classic tale of Sleeping Beauty asked, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the most beautiful of all?," we look into our metaphorical mirror and ask, "Who am I today?"

We also ask other questions like, "Who are the people in my life?" "Can I trust them?" "What is my relationship with them?" "Are they likely to hurt or to harm me?"

The answers we get will determine much of the way we respond to life that day. The mirror reveals how connected we feel with others, what rights we believe we should demand for ourselves, how capable and powerful we feel, how able we are to give and receive love, how easily we can forgive ourselves and others, and whether or not we feel superior to, less than, or equal in value to others.

Reflecting on How We Feel

In addition, when we look into our mirror, we get an idea of how we feel at that moment, what sensations are coursing through our hearts and souls and nervous system. Sometimes we take a good steady look and carefully decide what exact word or phrase would describe our mood. Other times we give a quick glance and, if we think of it at all, might identify our feeling with a simple word:

Amused . . . Angry . . . Apathetic . . . Ashamed . . . Boastful . . . Bored . . . Competitive . . . Confident . . . Confused . . . Connected . . . Conniving . . . Contemptuous . . . Contented . . . Cranky . . . Critical . . . Criticized . . .Curious . . . Delighted . . . Depressed . . . Domineering . . . Eager . . . Efficient . . . Egotistical . . . Embarrassed . . . Exhausted . . . Enthusiastic . . . Excited . . . Expectant . . . Fiendish . . . Forgetful . . . Frightened . . . Frustrated . . . Gossipy . . . Greedy . . . Helpful . . . Helpless . . . Homesick . . . Hopeful . . . Hurt . . . Hysterical . . . Inferior . . . Insecure . . . Insignificant . . . Inspired . . . Irresistible . . . Isolated . . . Jealous . . . Kind . . . Lazy . . . Lonely . . . Lovable . . . Loved . . . Martyred . . . Mellow . . . Mischievous . . . Nervous . . . Noble . . . Nostalgic . . . Overworked . . . Passive . . . Piteous . . . Pressured . . . Rejected . . . Resentful . . . Sad . . . Satisfied . . . Scheming . . . Seductive . . . Shamed . . . Shy . . . Sick . . . Skeptical . . . Sophisticated . . . Strong . . . Successful . . . Sulky . . . Superior . . . Suspicious . . . Tempted . . . Threatened . . . Timid . . . Tired . . . Vane . . . Vulnerable . . . Weak . . . Worried

Of course, if you narrowed all emotions to the most basic, you could say we feel "mad," "sad," "glad," or "scared." But once I got started, I just kept adding to the list, realizing I have barely scratched the surface. In both private dialogues with ourselves and conversations with others, we use a myriad of terms to describe all the variables of the sensations and moods that control, or at least influence, our attitude and action.

However, no matter the terminology we might use, whatever emotional sensations we experience at that moment, the fact is that we will approach the day feeling up or down, self-assured or self-doubting, able to make the best of things or likely to stumble and fall, ready to take on the world or waiting for the chance to crawl back into bed and try again tomorrow.

In other words, we look into our internal mirrors to get as clear a sense of who we are as possible and to understand how we feel. The more we know about ourselves, the more likely we will be comfortable in facing the tasks ahead of us and the more accurately we can choose the qualities we will need to achieve our goals.

A Metaphorical Closet

Once we have used our "mirror" to reassure ourselves that we're still here, still basically the person we were yesterday, only one day older, and once we know how we feel, we head to our internal closet.

Quality Garments of Protection

There we find an infinite array of garments designed to protect us, to armor us, throughout the day. Lovely, though invisible, cloaks woven from every kind of quality offer the wearer all he or she could ever want or use.

Acceptance . . . Assertiveness . . . Balance . . . Beauty . . . Carefulness . . . Clarity . . . Compassion . . . Confidence . . . Courage . . . Creativity . . . Curiosity . . . Energy . . . Enthusiasm . . . Faith . . . Flexibility . . . Forgiveness . . . Fortitude . . . Freedom . . . Generosity . . . Gentleness . . . Grace . . . Gratitude . . . Harmony . . . Hope . . . Humility . . . Integrity . . . Joy . . . Kindness . . . Learning . . . Love . . . Morality . . . Nurturance . . . Objectivity . . . Openness . . . Optimism . . . Passion . . . Patience . . . Peacefulness . . . Persistence . . . Playfulness . . . Purpose . . . Resilience . . . Serenity . . . Simplicity . . . Spirituality . . . Stability . . . Steadfastness . . . Strength . . . Tenderness . . . Tolerance . . . Vitality

Marvelous Masks

In addition to cloaks of wonderful qualities, our closet also contains an endless supply of masks, allowing us to face the world as we expect the world wants us to be seen.

If we like the way we're feeling, we're perfectly willing to allow our emotions to show. However, if we think others won't approve of a feeling we label "negative," we can select from our pile of masks any that fit the occasion. We have come to count on these camouflage possessions, these facades and pretenses — and they can do a darn good job of getting us through the day.

It's not a terrible thing to have a smiling mask if we're not in the best of moods. Who wants an old sourpuss scowling at us across the office just because he's still mad at his wife for some trivial thing he'll forget before noon?

No, masks, used properly, aren't bad in and of themselves. Used judiciously, they come in very handy.

Putting These Metaphors Into Action With Symbols of Support

If you would like to use this metaphor in your life, you can print a copy of this article and use it when you take time for morning meditation or quiet reflection on what you have planned for the day. Read the list of emotions and decide which one fits you at that time. Then read the list of qualities, choose a quality you'd like to use, and imagine you can put on an invisible cloak filled with that quality (see Essential Qualities of the Human Spirit). Then select a special symbol that can reinforce your intention to express that quality throughout the day (see Using Symbols for Transformation).

Where can you find such symbols? You already have many of them in the real dressers and closets and drawers of your house. They can be pieces of jewelry, pictures, scarves, or any object you have or might decide to purchase. Once you have chosen the symbol, you can pin it onto your clothes, wear it on a necklace, put it into your pocket, or sit it on your desk. Each time you look at this symbol or touch it, you will be reminded to keep firmly headed in the direction you want to travel that day.

For example, do you want the courage to confront a person who has been harassing you? You might choose a golden pin with the head of a lion to wear on your lapel. Want to remain calm during a meeting you expect will be contentious? You can hang around your neck a single strand of silver chain with a locket that holds the picture of a friend who has always been the calm in the middle of any storm. Want to keep a steady pace of moving through scads of miscellaneous errands? How about selecting a prism and setting it on the dashboard of your car? Then as you look at it, you can be reminded to break down each task into its separate pieces, just as light is broken into different colors before they can be seen.

What a wonderful closet!! What a marvelous invention of the mind. With little thought or effort, here we can clothe ourselves in the most splendid fashion with all the qualities of the human spirit. At the same time, we can hide all the feelings that might get in the way of having anyone see that we are not the wonderfully self-possessed, competent person we, our family, our friends, our boss, and all the rest of the world may want us to be. And, finally, we can take with us a symbol to represent the kind of person we want to be.

Unfortunately, as you will learn in Your Mirror and Closet: Habit or Catalyst for Change?, there are a few glitches, and more than a few problems, that can occur if you use these metaphorical tools unconsciously. Fortunately, there are ways to recognize when that is happening and move forward in a direction that will help you become the best you can be each day.

© Copyright 2002, Revised 2005, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT