A guided imagery exercise:

Removing the Mask That Hides Your True Self

BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT

Do others see the real you or do you hide your best self behind a mask you think others require of you?

Were you raised in a family that set rigid, high standards for what you should achieve and what you should believe? In such families not only behavior but physical appearances were frequently very important. "What will people think? What will they say?" was a common refrain if you wore something of which they didn't approve.

If that was your case, most likely you believed your parents knew best and tried to meet their expectations to "look good" and "be good," especially when you were very young. And although you may have later realized they weren't always right, you very likely accepted the general view that there was a certain way to look and behave that was acceptable to others. Like all of us, you got the impression that you would not be loved if you didn't do as well as others (whether parents or other important people) thought you should.

Consequently, because you never learned to freely express the essence of who you were deep inside, today you may try very hard to be what you think others want you to be. Expecting to be judged by everyone you meet, you hide behind a mask, a facade of behavior and dress that you hope will make you acceptable — and lovable. Using our analogy, it is a bit like believing so much that you ought to be the person you think others want you to be, that you don't know the street you're really on, much less be able to decide the direction you truly want to go.

If, like a lot of people, you got the message that your real self was inferior and unacceptable and would like to become more comfortable with who you are, you may find this piece quite helpful.

NOTE: Eventually this will become an article, but it is now in the form of an imagery script or exercise. And as with all the imagery scripts on this website, you can use this in several different ways. First, simply read it as you would read any article, with the purpose of learning something and exploring how that might apply to you. On the other hand, you may want to get into the piece more deeply by reading it several times to yourself, pausing when you come to breaks identified by three periods (. . .) in order to have time to experience that section in whatever way feels comfortable to you.

Or, you can try to experience it as a regular imagery exercise is usually done, that is, first read it into a tape player (or have a friend or family member read it for you) and then, as you listen to it, close your eyes and follow along in whatever way feels right to you. To learn more about the technique of imagery, I suggest you read Opening Up Both Sides of the Brain. This introduction to a series of articles can teach you about this effective technique for gaining insight into who you are.

If you would like to feel the freedom that comes from self-acceptance and self-love, I invite you to follow this imagery exercise by first becoming as comfortable as possible. . . And as you allow yourself to relax and your body to feel fully supported, gently close your eyes. . . . And now, bring your attention to your breath, allowing your body to breath normally and easily, focusing on the experience of breathing. . . . Each time you inhale and exhale, become more relaxed than you were a moment before . . . more comfortable . . . more peaceful . . . With each breath, every cell of your body becomes at ease . . . and soon you find yourself in a state of pleasant, relaxed consciousness . . .

Imagine now that you have been invited to stay for a few days at an old friend's house on a beautiful lake. Several other guests are already there when you arrive. Now, when you live with the assumption that you always need to meet the expectations of other people in order to be liked, meeting new people is difficult. Until you know them better, you aren't sure what they expect from you. You certainly don't want them to see the things about you that you don't like or have been told are unacceptable. And so, as you try to figure out what kind of person they would like you to be, you smile. Your smile may be a little too broad, but it is part of the mask you wear to hide the real self you are afraid to show. And because you are so focused on your own discomfort, you don't notice that several other people in the group also are wearing masks, for many people have not been given permission to accept themselves just as they are.

Now it's a lot of work trying to be someone you aren't, especially when you're not yet sure exactly how you should act, or whether other people will approve of your opinions, and soon you are tired. Wanting to take a break from wearing your mask, you excuse yourself and walk down to the lake. Here some boats are tied up to the dock. You've been told you could use them whenever you want and decide now would be a good time. You select a small boat that will be safe and easy for you to handle. Imagine now that you get into the boat. Because you are now alone, you remove your mask, put it in your pocket and begin moving out into the lake. . . .

It is a beautiful day, pleasantly warm and sunny. After awhile you relax and let the boat drift. You close your eyes, your head nods and soon you've fallen asleep. When you awaken, everything is perfectly still and you know immediately that something wonderful is happening. You are surrounded by a soft and soothing glow. This gentle light is a very special field of energy that comes from a powerful source of truth and love. You may call that source "God" or a "Great Spirit" or you may have no idea where it comes from. Nevertheless, you sense within the light a power to open your mind and spirit to the truth about yourself and to remove the damaging lies you've believed about your inadequacies. Feeling its warmth, you're glad the soothing energy contains love as well as truth, because truth without love can be harsh. As you breath this marvelous light into your body, feel how wonderful it is to be open to truth without fear of criticism and rejection. . . .

Until this moment you had assumed that others could judge you best. As a child, the expectations of your parents, teachers and other caregivers were the standard against which you measured yourself. Later you tried to meet the standards of others. Now you realize that you are the only one whose opinion really counts. Of course, it is reassuring when others agree with you and it's always nice when people like you or admire what you have done. But you can't walk your own path by following directions for someone else's life. Accepting responsibility for your own actions and beliefs in some ways may seem more difficult than allowing others to tell you what to do and believe. But the burden of always striving to meet someone else's expectations cannot begin to compare with the joy and freedom that comes from living your own life.

And now recall one thing you are proud of. This may be a talent you have long possessed or a skill you developed only recently. It may be the ability to create something with your hands or with your mind. Now what you are proud of may be something your parents also like or it may be something they would not particularly approve of. What is important is that you like this thing about you. Looking over the side of the boat once more, take a moment now to smile a genuine smile because you appreciate something about you, whether of not anyone else agrees with you. . . .

Soon a breeze ruffles the water and you decide to return to the house and the other guests. The experience of accepting truth and love into your life has felt so good that you decide you will risk talking with the other people without the security of your mask. After you bring the boat to shore, you begin walking toward the house with a much lighter step than when you left it. Earlier you hadn't noticed your favorite wildflower was growing nearby. As you admire its simple natural beauty you see qualities of honesty and love. Deciding to use it as a symbol of your new found freedom and to remind yourself of what you have learned, you pick one of the flowers and put it in your hair or in your buttonhole. You don't care if the color of the flower doesn't match your outfit, because now you realize that how you look on the outside isn't nearly as important as how you feel on the inside. . . .

When you enter the house once more, you again greet the host and hostess. The kind and gentle manner of these old friends makes you realize that who they appear to be on the outside is who they really are on the inside. They clearly don't wear masks. Because you've known them for many years, you know they aren't perfect. Yet, because they accept and love themselves, including their imperfections, they are accepting and loving toward you and others.

As you speak with some of the guests, you can see they, too, accept you easily and comfortably. The fear that you needed to meet their expectations was unfounded. And while they may notice something about you that you consider to be a flaw, it doesn't seem to make any difference. Besides, without your mask, they can now see some marvelous qualities you had been hiding. And now you notice what you hadn't seen before. Some of the people here wear masks, as though they are afraid to simply be who they are. And then you smile to yourself as you wonder if they think they have to live up to your expectations.

As you become increasingly comfortable with being yourself, your heart overflows with joy. Take a moment now to experience love flowing throughout your body, filling every pore and extending to others. . . .

Letting the image of these people fade, think about the next time you will be meeting new people or some time when you will be seeing people you already know but with whom you have been uncomfortable in the past. Perhaps some of these people tend to be judgmental. Imagine being with them without hiding behind a mask, but simply accepting who you are, loving yourself and loving them. Take a moment now to experience what that will be like. . . .

After this exercise is over, you may want to select a special flower that can represent your intention to accept and love yourself and to set your own standards for behavior and beliefs. It takes time to changes old habits, but a picture of the flower or a real flower can be a powerful symbol that can make your new behavior change easier.

And now, once again imagine there is a light that shines around you and within you. It is the spirit of truth and love. It allows you to experience the contentment that comes from knowing you are the best person you can be right now. As time goes on, you will learn new things. You will change and grow, but for now this is who you are. All of us deserve to accept and love ourselves just as we are.

And now become aware of the room you are in, bringing back with you whatever is important for you to remember about accepting and loving yourself. . . . And now feel your body supported by the furniture. . . . Take a deep energizing breath, . . . stretching your arms and legs, . . . and gently opening your eyes, coming back to full awareness filled with joy and peace.

© Copyright 1997, Revised 2002, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT