Keeping Your Eyes on Your Goal
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Often our goals elude us because they slip out of our consciousness in the busy-ness of daily life. Discover how to keep your goals in sight so you can reach them more easily.
Of all the techniques I've pulled out of my bag of therapist tools and tricks, this is one of the best for clients who have trouble staying focused on their goal. Why? Because it allows a person to recognize the vast difference between wishful thinking, wanting something, and being willing to really and truly work toward a specific goal. I heartily recommend you read this twice, the first time to learn what this technique is, the second time to actually do it. You will be sure to learn something about yourself if you do.
Select a goal or dream you want to achieve
This should be one you would like very much to achieve, but which, until now, you have not taken the time, or found the time, to accomplish. It can be anything from painting to learning a new language. If you're not immediately sure what that goal would be, take a moment right now and allow your heart's desire to bubble up from deep inside, trusting that your intuition will give you a goal you need to look at more closely today.
Explore WHY that desire is important to you
Let us say that you have long wanted to own your own business. As you ask yourself "why," the first answer that quickly comes to mind might be because you want to earn more money. Yet going into business for yourself is risky and many small businesses fail. Money as a goal may not be potent enough to sustain the tremendous amount of work needed to build a business until it becomes successful. Asking yourself again why you have this goal, you may feel it is because all the rules and regulations imposed upon you by your employer seem unnecessary and even oppressive. Yet government rules and regulations for starting and running your own business might bring you even bigger headaches. Therefore, as you continue to ask yourself why the idea of being your own boss appeals to you, you may discover that money and regulations have nothing to do with it. Rather, you may find that what is basic to your heart's desire is the freedom you will have. So "freedom" is really your goal.
For another example, let us say you have often thought of writing a book, but because you know that getting a book published takes a tremendous amount of effort and determination, you can't seem to get started. However, as you go through the process of examining why you want to write a book, you may discover that what you thought was the goal, a published book, is not at this time nearly as important as that of taking time to do something creative.
Getting down to your basic motivation allows you to generate the energy needed to follow through with the nitty-gritty, disciplined work that is often an essential part of achieving a goal.
Create an image of your goal that expresses your motivation for reaching it
Since you will use this image to help mobilize the energy needed to accomplish the goal, it needs to be a strong and accurate image or symbol.
Here are a few examples of what your image might look like. If you desire freedom by owning your own business, your most potent image would be to picture yourself doing something you could only do if you had the freedom to set your own schedule. If your heart's desire is to go to Europe, the image of money needed to get there probably isn't as powerful as imagining yourself watching the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace. If your goal involves improving a relationship, such as wanting to stop pointless arguments with your brother, it is important that you remain focused on yourself. In this case you might want to create an image of yourself feeling calm and serene while your brother is standing near you, doing whatever it is he says or does that, up until now, has caused you to get upset and argue.
To explore what this could be like for you, I suggest you take a moment now to create in your mind's eye an image of how you want your life to be different, making the image as clear as you can.
Imagine now that you are standing at one end of a long room and the image is on the wall at the other end
On the wall at the far end place your image, perhaps pretending that your goal is a photo you have framed and put on the wall. For example, going back to our illustration of getting into business for yourself so you can decide when you will do what you want to do, you might imagine a picture of a person playing golf — with the word "Weekday" superimposed on the picture. It can actually be a real picture. For the goal of going to Europe, you could have a picture of Buckingham Palace.
Even if you do not experience this image as a picture you can see in your mind's eye, allow yourself a clear sense of what you would like to achieve or how you would like to be different. Look at the wall and imagine as fully as possible that it is there.
Walk toward the image (in your imagination or in reality)
As you slowly walk across the room, stop every few steps and say to yourself either silently or aloud, "I hope I can . . ." and then in your own words describe your heart's desire. Notice how your body feels when you say, "I hope I can . . . "
Come back to where you started and walk toward the image a second time
Now as you slowly walk toward the picture of what your life will be like in the future, say, "I should be able to . . ." and then state that which you long to achieve. Stop every few steps to repeat the phrase. Again, notice how your body feels when you say, "I should be able to..."
Come back to where you started and walk toward the image a third time
Again, slowly walk toward your goal, this time saying, "I want to . . ." and then state what it is you want. Again, imagine you stop every few steps and repeat the statement, "I want to . . ." Remember to notice how your body feels when you say, "I want to. . . "
Come back to where you started and walk toward the image a fourth time
Finally, walk toward the image and this time say, "I will . . ." and then state what you desire to achieve. As you stop every step or two and repeat the statement, "I will . . ., " notice how your body feels.
As you went through this last walk across the room saying "I will," did you notice a fairly significant change in the way your body felt from how it felt when you first began to walk toward your goal and said, "I hope?" If you did, you realize that hoping is passive. It has no more power to affect change then blowing out a birthday candle and wishing for something.
Also, thinking you should do something is mostly good for creating guilt when you don't do what you tell yourself you should be doing. That's because "shoulds" come from somewhere outside of you. In the long run, you can only be successful if your motivation comes from inside. And while wanting at least places your desire closer to your heart, wanting must also be connected to your "will" in order for you to take action that can make your goal a reality.
Begin to achieve your dream by taking a SMALL step
This is a very important part of achieving goals, because one of the reasons goals often elude us is that getting there can seem so long and complicated. We can get worn out just thinking about all the things we'll need to do, which often means we keep putting off the very things we must do if we are to eventually enjoy our heart's desire. But as the old Chinese proverb says, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step."
Therefore, consider what initial small step you can take that will move you closer to your goal. This is what some people call a "Kaizen" step, part of a gradual series of actions that steadily progress toward your goal. It is important to realize that great deeds and great inventions don't arise suddenly out of the air. They are the consequence of often quite minor steps that, added together, achieve a mighty goal — without feeling overwhelmed. (See Taking the First Step.)
You don't need to know the details of what you will do day after day, week after week. You only need a clear idea of the direction in which you are heading and the first move you can make toward your goal. That step may be as simple as sending off to the government for regulations on what you have to do to incorporate a business. Or it may be to make your lunch tomorrow instead of eating out, and then putting whatever you saved into a jar on your dresser labeled "Europe." It may be to decide that the next time you see your brother, you will ask him about something you know he's interested in.
Reinforce your goal with reminders
Just as some New Year's resolutions fade with the last notes of Old Lang Syne, the pressure of old habits can erode your intention to reach your goal. Fortunately, there are ways you can reinforce the image you hold in your mind.
One form of reinforcement is to draw, buy or clip from magazines several pictures that remind you of your goal. Put these in places where you can't miss them -- in the bathroom, on the refrigerator, on the dashboard of your car, in your wallet. Each time you see them, smile and remember how it felt when you said you will achieve your heart’s desire. With each picture you can also include a paper on which is written the question, "What small step can I take today to achieve my goal of . . ." and then write your goal. Each time you notice the question, your subconscious mind will try to answer it, even if your rational, conscious mind isn't sure what to do next.
You can also buy some post-it sticky note pads in your favorite color. Use these to write the steps you will take to move toward your goal and put them with your schedule book or daily to-do list. Having your steps written on special colored paper emphasizes their importance.
Consequently, if being your own boss is what you want to do, the first small reinforcement may be to make an honest assessment of your current abilities, background and expertise in whatever area you're considering. So the first note might simply have the question, "What do I know?" After you've explored what you already know, you may need further information. So the new note could say "library." Then, with some understanding of what is involved, you will need to find out start-up costs and a note with a dollar sign will be your next step on the road to owning a business.
Each time you see them, smile and remember how it felt when you said you will achieve your heart's desire.
GOOD LUCK AND KEEP YOUR EYES ON YOUR GOAL!
© Copyright 1996, Revised 2002, Arlene Harder, MA, MFT |
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