Ask Yourself Questions
The Art of Enquiry
The purpose of the Ask Yourself Questions Club on Support4Change is to encourage people throughout the world to ask questions. Its members are curious about the earth and the people who inhabit it, courageous enough to confront their most cherished assumptions, and committed to making the world a more safe and peaceful place in which to live.
This means that anyone can join because almost everyone is, to some degree, curious about something, even if they don’t know how to formulate a question about it. Almost everyone would like to understand themselves better, even if they haven’t been taught how to be introspective. Almost everyone wants the world to be a better place, even if they don’t know how to go about making that dream a reality.
The only requirement for membership is to be willing to ask oneself (and/or others) at least one question a day, or a week, or a month. The idea is not to answer a specific number of questions, but to instill in oneself an attitude of curiosity, an intention of honestly looking at oneself and the world in a new way.
| The philosophy of the Ask Yourself Questions Club is based on the belief that it is possible to reduce conflict and extremism in the world by creating common ground through understanding ourselves and others better. One of the best ways to do this is to think about current problems in new ways–because asking questions is an excellent vehicle for discovering new perspectives.Therefore, each person who takes on the challenge of answering these questions will automatically become part of an energy that can turn the world around. Just as a pebble thrown into a pond creates ripples that spread out in wider and wider circles, people who are willing to ask interesting, fun, and challenging questions of themselves, and of others, can form the nucleus of a growing world movement of peace and understanding. |
In the Ask Yourself Questions Club you’ll find questions to stimulate your thinking on topics that range from philosophy and religion to politics, from the environment to social and cultural issues, and from communication to the vanities and vagaries of modern life.
Use the questions in the blog to get you started. Comment here on the blog, in the individual Ask Yourself Questions Club posts. Share your thoughts with your friends and families.
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By Karen, May 27, 2010 @ 6:49 pm
I am very interested in any info on how to live with a perfectionist as I am married to one. We have been going to couples counseling and a few things recently came to the surface and I realized that he is a perfectionist. After doing some research on the internet I found this site as well as a few others that have opened my eyes and helped me see my mate for who he truly is for the first time. Keep the articles coming and Thank you.
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By Arlene Harder, May 27, 2010 @ 7:59 pm
Karen,
Hope my writing about being married to a perfectionist will help you. By the way, I notice your comments were connected with this post, but I’m wondering if you meant them for the May 27 post about living with a perfectionist.
Good luck.
Arlene
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By Nancy, March 4, 2011 @ 6:33 pm
Why do we have so much to give and when we do we do not feel complete because at the end People do not appreciate what you have done. Or didnt care.
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Arlene Harder Reply:
March 7th, 2011 at 2:31 pm
You ask a question that is very common for perfectionists (and sometimes others as well) because it goes to the heart of why we give to others. Frequently we give because we hope to receive praise and validation for our efforts. Of course, there may be something in our giving that is genuine and purely from our heart. But too often for those of us who don’t feel we’re good enough, we need the praise of others to feel validated.
When we get to the place where we can really call ourselves a “recovering perfectionist,” we find that more and more often we give simply because we want to give. If we get compliments, that’s great. But that isn’t the purpose of our giving. And you know you are there when you realize someone didn’t say “thank you” and you still felt good about the giving.
Now, before you possibly start beating yourself up for wanting praise (at least a little of it), I want to say that we don’t go from needing compliments to pure, unadulterated giving in one fell swoop.
Also, you say that people don’t appreciate what you do. That is possibly because you have trained them to accept your work without saying “thank you.”
Another thing to think about is that sometimes we do things for people that they really didn’t want or need. So it’s not surprising that they are not effusive in their praise. Giving has just been a habit.
However, if people are really taking you for granted, perhaps it’s time to be more clear about what they want and what you are willing to do for them. Try not doing anything without their request or agreement that they need it done. You may save yourself a lot of effort.
Your statement of feeling not “complete” is an important indication, I believe, that you may need to work more on accepting yourself just as you are. Love the true self at your core and you will find that you don’t need others to validate you. After all, no one can make your feel worthless (or close to that) without your permission.
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By Nancy, March 4, 2011 @ 6:35 pm
I am a mother of three, marry for 26 years and soon to be a grandmother. I have obtain so many blessings in my life but still feel that something is missing.
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Arlene Harder Reply:
March 7th, 2011 at 2:31 pm
I suspect you are at a good place in your life to do some serious self-growth. After 26 years of marriage and all the work you’ve put in for others, it may just be time for you to explore what life is asking from you now. You may find that when you shift in another direction (something you hadn’t even thought of before) that there are many more blessings coming your way.
And one of them will very likely be a grandchild. Good luck!!!
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By Marina, April 14, 2011 @ 8:52 pm
My fiancee and I both read your whole article.
Relieving ourselves of the guilt of feeling somehow responsible for how our 30 year old adult step son chooses to treat both his father and I.
My fiancee says he has been this way since a child as his mother always let him have his way, and defended him even when he was in the wrong.even with school and police trouble. Nothing was ever his fault…it was always a case of “he’s just a little boy/their being to hard on him/its not all his fault etc etc.”, so his problems are many. It caused the divorce between his mom and his father as his father could no longer tolerate the arguments that went on over his wife constantly defending the son when he was in the wrong.He has been continuously disrespectful,dishonest and manipulative to us since I came into the relationship with his father. I have seen these behaviors in him since he was 17 and they have never gotten any better…probably worse. We have been in a happy relationship ourselves for 12 years, and I have 3 children of my own (18,28,29)who never treat both of us anything other than respectfully. The 30 yr. old is an only child.
He agreed to make amends with me a year ago and recently went back to his old ways.This is causing us so much grief in our lives.
It all started with him making disrespectful remarks to me on facebook for everyone to read. I asked him after the first one to please refrain from making any more disrespectful comments to me. 6 weeks later he did the same thing again so I sent him a message stating that because he couldn’t refrain from making disrespectful comments on a public website that I would have to remove him from my friends list to prevent further disrespect. And I did. Then he sent his dad an email that had alot of guilt trip statements, rude disrespectful comments about him and I ,and he told his father that unless his father ends our 12 year relationship, his dad is not welcome to come to his wedding (in two months) or to be part of his life, wont see his grandkids ever and on and on. His dad told him he wouldn’t be attending his wedding under those conditions. He then sent another email and did exactly the same thing in it, only worse, for his father refusing to meet his demands. Nothing but insults to the both of us, and belittling comments about me.
Now, not only he is no longer making disrespectful comments to both of us, but his FIANCEE IS…to the point of calling our own family unit unhealthy and dysfunctional, making false accusations, being dishonest with us, and accusing us of having all the problems because the son feels like he has been replaced by a new family.She defends him on all areas of disrespecting us and makes up excuses, like “he was probably angry when he wrote that”. OMG…what next.We are so tired of them speaking to us disrespectfully, and behaving in inappropriate manners with us, that we are at the point that we no longer desire to have them in our lives unless they make changes in how they interact with us…positive changes. We are so lost as to what to tell them both that we lose sleep over this. How do we word an email to them that addresses these issues, without stepping over the boundaries of whats appropriate to say to them, and whats not? It’s so frustrating. The relationship hasn’t changed…yet…we need help with this one. We are not young parents either…we’re 60ish. We feel so much better knowing that we have done everything we possibly can to make our relationship better with him, even paying for counseling. I and we now realize that we cannot do it alone. If he (and fiancee) aren’t willing to change their behaviors then they will have to accept being held responsible and accountable for the consequences of their actions. We don’t know how to get this point across to them without having them retaliate with even more disrespectful hurtful accusations and comments to us by email. HELP!!!
PLEASE HELP US!!!
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