Help in Letting Go With Peace

September 2, 2008

I want to share with you how I discovered a way to release my lost expectations and hope when I was in the midst of great pain over the situation with our son. I believe my experience illustrates what can happen when we are open to healing.

Brisk Morning at Vogelsang High Mountain Camp

In thinking about what I wrote for the last blog entry, I have decided that it would help if I gave you an illustration of how stepping into a picture can work. As illustration I will use what I wrote in Letting Go of Our Adult Children about an experience I had many years ago. It still calms my heart when I think about it.

The picture I used then is copyrighted, so I can’t share it, but this picture, taken three years ago on a mule ride in the High Sierras, is very similar to the one I used the day when I needed peace in my heart.

A COMFORTING PICTURE OF PEACE

I want to share with you how I discovered a way to release my lost expectations and hope when I was in the midst of great pain over the situation with our son. I believe my experience illustrates what can happen when we are open to healing.

When Matthew was forced to move out of our house for the last time, we knew that letting him go was the most loving action we could take. Yet it was extremely painful to force a child to leave knowing he was poorly prepared to face the trials ahead of him. That night I was unable to sleep and went into my husband’s study hoping to find some measure of comfort.

To understand what happened, you need to know that during that time of my life, and even sometimes now, I found it helpful to talk out loud when I was trying to sort through a problem. Because I am fairly verbal, hearing the words could give me insights I might not have discovered if I processed my thoughts internally.

On the door of the study was a poster of a gentle stream high in the Sierras far above the timberline. I happened to be looking at the picture as I said out loud, with great sobs, “If there is a God, please grant me the peace I so desperately want. I have done everything I can, and yet my grief seems more than I can bear.”

Almost immediately I felt calmer and in a quiet, soothing voice I said, “You are seated on a stone next to the stream. Lying at your side is an invisible rope which you have just let go of. The rope is of infinite length and has been used by you and Matthew to manipulate one another. The other end of it is still being held by Matthew , who has started down the mountain and is out of view. Your letting go of the rope indicates you are willing to trust your son to find his own path, just as you are learning to find your own.” Then I added, “Bob is standing next to the stream and he has also dropped his end of a rope that has connected him with Matthew . Your son will find his own path because you have both been willing to let him go.”

Where did that healing wisdom come from? It does not matter whether God really spoke through me or whether the words I said were simply my own inner wisdom expressing itself in a metaphor I could understand. What matters is that I experienced a sense of peace I could not have imagined possible earlier that day.

There is a footnote to this story. Thanksgiving came two months later and for many reasons we chose not to invite our son for dinner. His absence created a hole in the fabric of our family and reminded me of the deep pain I had felt earlier. As I wondered how I could get through the day without being constantly reminded of the fact that David was spending Thanksgiving alone, I decided to go into the study and look again at the picture of the mountain stream. Immediately I felt comforted as the peace I had experienced earlier returned to soothe my heart.

If you have experienced this kind of healing through pictures, I would love to hear from you.

Accepting Our Parents’ Blessings When Our Parents Are Less Than Perfect

May 9, 2008

Letting go of resentments from childhood

“When we heal our relationship with our parents, we are healing a deep part of ourselves, and this will enhance all our relationships.” — The Shared Heart, Joyce and Barry Vissell, p. 121, reprinted with permission

This Sunday is Mother’s Day and millions of mothers of small children will be honored with a cold-toast and soggy-cereal breakfast in bed and with hand-made cards expressing genuine love and adoration.

The day will also be one of great discomfort for millions of children, especially those who’ve been out of the house for awhile and realize their mother was (and still is) far from perfect. How can they accept their parents, these people say, when they feel their parents never understood them, didn’t give them what they wanted, let alone what they needed? How can they let go of that resentment when they are convinced that problems they have in their lives today were caused by neglect and abuse in their childhood homes?

Unfortunately, many adult children carry grievances from the past and just wish Mothers’ Day and Fathers’ Day didn’t need to be such a big deal. So if you find it difficult to “honor” your mother with sincerity when past (and sometimes current) resentments catch your throat as you profer the “obligatory” flowers, dinner and/or phone call, I recommend you read Our Parents’ Blessings, by Joyce and Barry Vissells’. It may help you see things a little differently.

However, even if you don’t read that article, the Ask Yourself Questions Club questions today are ones that may help you start to see your parents in a new way.

Here are questions you may want to ask yourself if you find it hard to appreciate what you have been given by your parents:

What are the lessons and gifts I received from my parents, even if they were not the parents I would have chosen, if I had been given the chance?

What qualities of strength and character did I gain from dealing with my parents?

Am I willing to let go of my resentments over things that happened in the past and cannot be undone?

NOTE: My husband and I are heading out the door for our traditional Friday night dinner and walk. I will not spend any more time polishing this, which the perfectionist side of me says needs to be done. But this week I had another of my recovering perfectionist lessons that I will tell you about in the next blog entry (early next week).

All you perfectionists out there would do well to come back and read what happened.

When Emotions Get in the Way of Gratitude

December 6, 2006

It is hard to feel gratitude when you are focused on guilt and disappointment in yourself and others.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero, first century B.C.

A woman, whom we’ll call Nancy, responded to my thoughts on Gratitude in the Morning. She said she wanted to be grateful but was “only stressed and worried” about her grown son who didn’t have a steady job and whose bills were piling up. She wondered what she could do to stop and hated the feeling of being “angry at him” and thinking “ill of him.”

This is a not uncommon reaction from parents of children with whom we’re estranged, or with whom we’re disappointed because they haven’t turned out the way we thought they should. (You can see my online book, Letting Go of Our Adult Children: When What We Do is Never Enough, for a more complete perspective.)

However, getting swept up in emotions and stress isn’t just a problem for parents. It’s common for anyone who has gotten tangled in a situation they thought would turn out differently than it has. In fact, many unpleasant emotions, from anger to depression, arise from expecting things will be different. Here are just a few examples: You assume your child will return safely from Iraq; instead, he is seriously wounded… . You put your heart and soul into a report the boss said he absolutely had to have on his desk Monday morning, even missing your child’s birthday party. Then you discover on Monday morning that he either ignores your efforts or has changed his mind… . You aren’t selected for the school on which you’ve set your heart… . Someone without insurance runs into your new custom-built car.

You could undoubtedly add several examples from your own experience that results in your being upset for a long time. These are the boulders and potholes that lie in the path of life. You have to learn to get past them. Naturally, some boulders that have rolled onto your path take a bit longer to climb over and some potholes are deeper than you’d like. Yet if you keep your eyes on the goal of living fully and of doing the best you can, you’ll get through that section of rough road and onto ground that is much smoother.

However, there are those who leave their own path and go over to help someone who’s having a hard time navigating a section of their road. This can be a noble thing to do, up to a point. What I’ve discovered with parents of grown children, however, is that they frequently keep a sharp eye on their child’s path, ready to jump in and rescue their child. They want to prevent him or her from experiencing the pain of resolving difficult issues through the child’s own efforts (like getting and keeping a job). It’s not that we have to do everything on our own. But one of the most important lessons in life is the recognition of where our responsibility ends and the other person’s responsibility begins.

What would I say to Nancy to help her extricate herself from the situation? First, I would say, “Step back onto your own path and look past the boulders and potholes. You will find there is beauty all around you. Take a deep breath and allow peace to enter your heart. Share love with a world of hurt and the hurt in your own heart will melt. Express joy in the small pleasures of life and joy will lighten your burdens. And most of all, give thanks for all you have, because without the gifts of nature and the talents of others, your life would not be possible.”

Then I would recommend to Nancy that she say to her son, “Son, if you want to live with the insecurity of not having a steady job, go ahead. I intend to pay attention to my own life. That includes getting on with what I have to do for myself. And what I have to do for myself is to express joy, love, patience, peace and gratitude.”

I believe she will then find that her son will be surprised she’s not hovering in the background with worry and criticism. He may even express disappointment that she’s not offering the help she had previously given. But eventually he will thank her for giving him the space to learn and live as a responsible, mature individual.

Especially if you’ve allowed your emotions to keep you from expressing gratitude, I would like to hear your answer to the following question:

For what are you grateful today?