Are There Really Irreconcilable Differences?

June 6, 2011

SPECIAL NOTE: If you haven’t yet checked out the Love Your Life Summit, there is still time. Every day until June 20 you will be able to watch an interview with Marci Shimoff and two people who give excellent advice on bringing joy and love into your life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you move beyond what seem to be insurmountable differences of opinion and outlook?

Barry and Joyce Vissell are two of my favorite counselors on marriage and partnerships. They bring a wealth of experience from 37 years of working with couples and from their experience as a doctor and a nurse. They’ve given me permission to reprint articles from their SharedHeart Newsletter.

Their latest newsletter arrived last week with the following commentary about differences. It expresses one reason why my husband and I have been married for more than 50 years: we’ve not let our differences, of which there are many, interfere with our commitment to love and honor one another.

Celebrate your similarities, and you will learn to celebrate your differences. – Barry and Joyce Vissell

In a court of law, if both partners of a married couple claim they have irreconcilable differences, the court will grant them a legal divorce – without even asking what the differences are!

Joyce and I, on the other hand, having worked with thousands of couples over the last 37 years, challenge that there is no such thing as irreconcilable differences. We have seen that ANY difference can be not only tolerated, but even appreciated. But that takes real understanding and a commitment to love.

So what constitutes grounds for separation or divorce? It’s not the differences themselves. You will end up separating or divorcing if you choose not to try to understand them. Your relationship will end if you choose not to look inside to better understand yourself, as well as your partner.

Differences are not the problem. Secrecy, cruelty, active addictions and infidelity are hurtful and can be grounds for divorce if either partner refuses to get help.

During the romantic, early stages of relationship, most couples experience little difficulty with differences, even big ones. Their wide open hearts find enough room to embrace their differences. We once saw a liberal democratic woman in love with a conservative republican man. Their explanation? “We love each other enough to agree to disagree!”

When you’re in love, you easily understand how opposites attract. The differences in your lover don’t bother you. Their messiness or neatness, their introversion or extraversion, their love of the outdoors or their love of the indoors, their raw food vegan or steak and potatoes diet, these don’t seem to detract from the love you experience together. They may even be “cute” to you.

It is only later, after the honeymoon glow has faded, and each of your egos and personalities have powerfully come on the scene, that differences get magnified and can grate on you.

The question then is: How do you solve the problem of differences? One thing is for sure. It will never work to try to change your partner! Sure, you may correct bad habits. Early in our marriage, Joyce took a firm stand against my messiness. Just because I never used a vacuum cleaner in the first 22 years of my life, it simply wasn’t acceptable to her at the time that I didn’t help her clean the apartment. Did I change? Yes. Sometimes she laughs at how fastidious I can now be.

On a more serious note, I have had difficulty with Joyce’s sensitivity. Sometimes I’ll give her what seems to me a small correction, and she’ll feel criticized and hurt. I remember one time, long ago, when I complained about her sensitivity. She said to me, “Barry, you could have married a man who is just like you.” Her point was well taken. Now I am deeply grateful for her sensitivity. Perhaps more than anything else, her sensitivity has caused me to develop my own sensitivity.

Our religious difference – me being raised Jewish and Joyce Protestant – nearly destroyed our relationship in our early years. We tried to change one another. We had many arguments about religion. After two years, we deliberately transferred to different colleges to get away from each other. We tried dating persons of our same religion. It just wasn’t working. All the differences were only in our minds. In our hearts, there was a love big enough to embrace all our differences.

Finally we decided to get married. My childhood Rabbi was extremely discouraging. Joyce’s minister, Reverend Davis, agreed to marry us on one condition. He said, “I will only marry you if you promise never to try to change each other. It is the differences between you that will help you to most grow.” In a way, he was our first spiritual teacher, giving advice that has helped us to this day.

Our early marriage was still not easy. Although we understood about not changing each other, religion was still a difference we were trying to tolerate. What really helped was a deeply soulful search for a spirituality that we could share. We started with Transcendental Meditation, Hatha Yoga, Sufi Dancing, and Ram Dass’ book, Be Here Now, traveled the world in search of spiritual teachers, and studied a wide variety of spiritual paths, including the roots and origins of Judaism and Christianity. We searched for, and found, spiritual similarities that we shared, practices we could do together. Our favorite at the moment is very simple: we touch our foreheads together and take turns speaking a prayer from the heart – an expression of gratitude, asking for ways to be of service on this planet, as well as asking for help with current challenges.

Yes, Joyce and I have our own spirituality, our own practices. Is one method better than the other? Absolutely not. If it brings inner joy, peace, and respect for all life, it doesn’t matter what the practice.

Yet as a couple, we make it a priority to share sacred moments, whether it is the praying together, sitting side by side meditating in silence, appreciating one another, practicing sacred sexuality, or celebrating the beauty of nature.

It really doesn’t matter how different two people are if: one, those differences are respected and two, the similarities are found and celebrated. Over the years we have observed that couples must have or create a common link, a unifying quality, something that is deeply shared. If the deeper focus is on what you have in common, your differences become background, and thus are more easily embraced and loved. If you focus on your unity, your diversity will challenge you to grow. Celebrate your similarities, and you will learn to celebrate your differences.

What Does “I Love You” Mean?

February 14, 2011

What is the relationship between saying the words “I love you” and the actions you take?

My computer is giving serious signals that it will crash at any moment. So I am writing quickly, saving frequently, and have already put in an order for a new hard drive to be installed Tuesday.

In the meantime, I want to write a story for Valentine’s Day that, for me, illustrates what it means to love someone.

Here’s the story.

About two-and-a-half years ago, a woman who had previously worked for me part-time called to say she desperately needed a place to live and asked if I knew someone from whom she could rent a room. Although she had fibromyalgia and worked as hard as she could as a salesperson, she couldn’t afford much. Nevertheless, she expected a raise and promotion in about three months.

I knew we would be compatible and asked my husband if she could stay with us rent-free to give her a chance to save a little. I knew he wasn’t keen on the idea, but he agreed and she moved in.

What with one thing and another, the promotion didn’t come through and she didn’t move out for 14 months. I knew she was trying to get a better job, so my husband and I allowed extensions, knowing she wasn’t going to stay here forever.

Nevertheless, I could see he wasn’t happy about the adjustments he needed to make, like giving up his bathroom. Then, about a week before she finally left, he said he was counting the days until he could get his bathroom back. As we were talking about the fact that she had stayed longer than we expected, he acknowledged that he really hadn’t wanted her to move in in the first place. So I asked, “Then why did you say she could move in?”

He replied simply, “Because you wanted her to come and I love you.”

His answer is part of the reason we have been married more than fifty years. He doesn’t buy me fancy jewelry. He doesn’t share my spiritual beliefs. He doesn’t read what I write. He isn’t enthusiastic about many of the things I enjoy doing. And I am still waiting for him to finish several things on his to-do list.

However, I don’t have a need for expensive jewelry. I can share my beliefs with others. If people buy my books, I don’t need my husband to read them. And while I can possibly get him to go to one movie a year with me, usually a children’s movie with the grandchildren, yesterday I was very happy to take myself to “The King’s Speech” while he went on a ten-mile hike, which is at least ten times farther than I can go.

All-in-all I think we accommodate one another in many ways and that’s what it means to me when we say “I love you.” And while I would say that we don’t experience ourselves as “soul-mates,” we are definitely “sole-mates.”

Our marriage is, like many marriages of long duration, complex. But it works in large part because we try to live our “I love you” as well as say it. We don’t need to exchange fancy gifts on Valentine’s Day — today I’m giving him chocolate chip cookies I baked from a package of store-bought dough and tonight will give him the same card I gave him last year.  We will say “I love you” and know that it is true for both of us.

One last note about my friend’s stay at our house. She had fibromyalgia, which Half a year after she moved out, she married and soon discovered she had metastasized cancer. She died a  year later. I feel so grateful to my husband for going the extra mile and giving her a place where she could gather strength for the difficult months ahead, although of course, we didn’t know that at the time.

May there be someone in your life whose “I love you” means the willingness to do what needs to be done for a relationship to flourish. And may you do the same thing for him or her.

Dating Before and After Marriage

July 2, 2010

Discover the importance and pleasure of dating, whether or not you are already married.

Tonight is our date night. Every Friday for more than twenty years, out of fifty, my husband and I have made it a habit to go out to dinner and then on a walk. Sometimes the walk comes first, but it is always our “date” night.

When we first started this, we made it a habit to walk around the city hall and downtown area of every town in Los Angeles County, home to 88 incorporated cities and many unincorporated areas (like the place where we live). We had to miss gated communities that won’t let in just anybody (even though I wrote and asked whether they would make an exception for upstanding citizens like ourselves).

In this fashion we have walked all the way from our house in Altadena, which is up against the San Gabriel Mountains north of Pasadena (the Tournament of Roses city), to the Queen Mary in Long Beach. We have also walked across Los Angeles County from Claremont in the east to Zuma Beach in the west. We would take this in sections, of course, driving to where we ended the last week and continuing on our route.

I think we have probably walked over more of the county of 9,848,011 residents (2009) than most people have. That doesn’t make us better than those who haven’t, of course, but it has given us a perspective that makes us appreciate the rich diversity of the area in which we live. This includes poor and rich neighborhoods alike, and I can tell you that the poor ones were not as scary for our date as Beverly Hills. There we were trying to walk on Sunset, where there are no sidewalks, and even though we stayed far to the edge of the road, the cars were going very fast. Guess they don’t like pedestrians.

These days, since our bodies aren’t as strong as they used to be, we don’t walk as far. We also don’t go so far from home. But the commitment to the routine encourages us to spend time together much like couples do when they are dating. And it gives us a chance to see who gets the moon first, though tonight the moon is in the wrong phase and won’t be part of the evening. [See Love Enjoys Friendly Competition.]

Incidentally, the picture is of me and my husband in the old part of the city of Quito, Ecuador. Now that is a city with character! You may have seen the video I made of our recent trip there.

If you are married, I heartily encourage you to set aside a night, or day, that you consider your “date” commitment. And it won’t kill you to turn off the Blackberry and cell phone, or you will only be half there with your partner, and get only half the benefit from your time together.

What if you aren’t married and you think a date night sounds interesting but your relationship has ended, you are divorced, and your spouse has died? Where does a date night fit in your plans? Well, first of all, you need to ask yourself some questions to help you “get ready” to date again.

Fortunately, my friend Michelle Vasquez, who specializes in helping people find love after just those kinds of things have happened, is planning a tele-class on July 6 that will cover these questions:

What is on your mind about dating?
Are you ready to start dating again?
Do you wonder about online dating?
Do you think you are ready? (after a breakup? after divorce? after widowhood?)
Do you wonder if the rules have changed since you last dated?

Whatever your burning question is, you can pick Michelle’s brain during this call. Click here to get the sign up information: http://askmichelleanything.com/

I am so glad I don’t need her advice on dating. At this stage of life I’m not sure that I would want to start over again. But marriage has been very good to me and I recommend it to those who are in love.

How to Support Your Partner When Disappointment Strikes

April 5, 2010

Rather than having to figure out how your partner wants to be comforted when he or she must face a big disappointment, lay the groundwork for ways that will make life better when that happens, as it surely will at some time.

I am miserable! The cold my husband brought into the house a couple weeks ago has finally found its way into my head. He won’t take responsibility for his actions, and claims I got my cold somewhere else. But my symptoms mirror his to such a high degree that I blame him. We like sleeping together, after 50 years it gets to be a habit, but for now we’ve got separate bedrooms. We’re trying to see if that can stop the germs from migrating from one to another and back again.

In the meantime, as you will know if you read my blog last Wednesday titled Choosing a Practice to Build the Will, I want to see whether I can write in the blog five days a week. I may decide to do something else on a regular basis, but for now I want to see if I can do it even when I feel miserable. Like today. So here I am with a big box of Kleenex, two glasses of water, and not two brain cells to rub together.

Before I got out of bed, I groggily contemplated what I could say that wouldn’t require much effort and remembered the DVD I saw yesterday. “Seabiscuit” is a dramatic story of a horse who was too small, a jockey who was too tall, and a homeless trainer who worked for Charles Howard, the owner of the largest Buick dealer in California. It was a story of the triumphant little guy that raised the spirits of many people in the Great Depression.

The part of the movie I want to mention is the death of Charles’ son, about 10 years old, who was killed in an automobile accident. The Howards weren’t able to stay connected with one another and his wife left.

There weren’t more details than that and, in introducing the article I want to share, I started to write that the divorce rate of parents who lose a child is much higher than average. I remembered hearing it was more than 50% and wanted to be sure I had the correct statistics. However, the first article in a Google search brought me to an article on Bereaved Parents and Divorce in the Healing Hearts for Bereaved Parents website. It reported on a study that refuted the estimate that “75%” of parents get a divorce following the death of a child or children. The finding that only 9% of parents get divored was heartening.

In any case, the divorce of the Howards made me think about the newsletter I received last week from Joyce and Barry Vissell, marriage and couple counselors who have given me permission to use their material whenever I feel it would be helpful. This is one of those times. I can quote them and don’t have to think for myself.

In their newsletter, Shared Heart Column, was an article titled When Disappointment Strikes: How to Comfort a Loved One that I reprinted on Support4Change with their permission. Yes, I know, the death of a child is far more serious than the disappointment of once more receiving a publisher’s rejection (which was the situation with which the Vissells were dealing), but I believe their advice lays the foundation for dealing with really big disappointments down the road and certainly with grief. What struck me about the article was the suggestion to tell your partner what would help when life gives you lemons, and then squirts them in your eye.

I suggest you read the article to see how their advice could apply to you.

I think my husband and I have figured out by this time what works for us, but I believe we could have saved ourselves a lot of heartache, and supported one another better, if we had known what was needed for those times when disappointment strikes.

Helping One Another When Life Gets Tough

February 11, 2010

Discover the value of friendship and relationships when accidents and illness happen.

Ecuador and Peru Travel Report # 12 and Visual Viewpoint: Hang On, It Can Be a Bumpy Ride

See Support4Change for explanation of “visual viewpoints”

Plus Evidence That Life Happens When You’re Making Other Plans

This picture was taken on our fiftieth wedding anniversary at the sand dunes outside Paracus, Peru. That area has lovely hotels, a peninsula, a bay, a pre-Inca Culture and a National Reserve. In a later blog I’ll tell about the marine reserve, where we went in to morning. Then after lunch took in our first dune buggy ride. Lots of sand in the area because it has one of the lowest levels of rain in the world.

I think we both look and feel rather young, don’t you think? Well, maybe not as young as we’d like to look and feel, but not too bad for our age. Until this week I’ve expected life to continue as it has, with the normal assortment of ups and downs, for a good number of years.

But if you’ve ever had a dune buggy ride (this was our first) you’ll know that when you’re going to the top of a hill that you don’t know whether what you’ll face on the other side is a relatively gentle ride down or a super-steep slope. I could swear that some of the drops were almost vertical, which makes for an exciting, drop-in-the-pit-of-your-stomach, but fun, experience.

I remembered this when I decided to share my ride downhill this week. You see, on Thursday afternoon, my assistant, Renee, was showing me how to sign up for Twitter — which we hope will help more people know about the Better Tomorrows Program and the Ask Yourself Questions Club. The day was moving up a steady climb and everything was working well. (I always thought Twitter was a bit silly, but here I am trying to play the game with everyone else. We’ll just have to see how things do work out.)

THEN, I got a call from the breast center where I had had a mammogram on Monday telling me that the doctor wanted me to come in again for another, more definitive exam. They said there was an “anomaly.” D-o-w-n I went. The falling in the pit of my stomach was exactly like the feeling of going down some of those sand dunes, with none of the happy excitement that were part of it. This was just dread. The earliest I could get in for another exam wasn’t for three weeks.

What interested me as I tried to absorb the news was that I know a lot about survival of cancer. Some twenty-five years ago I co-founded The Wellness Community—Foothills, part of a large international support program for cancer patients and their families. Later I co-founded a website called CancerOnline (which is no longer active) and wrote extensively about the role of hope and the need for participation in one’s own treatment.

Now here I was, faced with my own potential diagnosis, and the intellectual understanding of treating cancer flew out the window with an emotional reaction that is almost universal. The ride down the slope was not gentle. Of course, I knew I would eventually bottom out and settle into the more steady process of dealing with whatever I had to deal with. At the moment, it seemed overwhelming in part because I had thought that if it ever happened to me that I would respond more calmly because of my knowledge. So some of my reaction was shock that I reacted as I did.

When I told my husband, I cried. When I called my primary physician, I found myself crying to the receptionist, which added to my sense of falling off a cliff, or sliding down a very steep hill. And remember, I hadn’t actually had a diagnosis, only a request to look into an “anomaly,” whatever that was.

Fortunately, when the doctor called me back a short while later, I discovered that the x-rays did not show a sclerosis, lump or cyst, which would have been “suspicious” and require a more timely re-testing. It was just that one of my breasts was thicker than another. At this news the downhill ride slowed considerably and even came to a halt when she said that 40% of the women she sends for a mammogram are called back and of those 90% are just fine.

I knew there are always false-positives, but somehow that hadn’t made me feel better until I was reassured by my doctor and could remind myself that even if they do find cancer, it will have been caught early. Since I have great confidence in early detection, I won’t feel I’m plunging over a cliff as much as simply going through the inconvenience and discomfort of treatment.

I can add another illustration of the plunges life offers at inconvenient times with another recent story: A friend called three days ago with strain and tears in her voice saying, “I need help. Can you help me?”

Turns out she tripped and fell as she was unpacking in her new house. The next day she had to have an operation for a shattered ankle and won’t be able to put any pressure on it for three months. So I’ll be bringing her here until she can get around her house more easily.

I will end this part of today’s post by saying that, when you go over the hill, it helps to have someone there to make life easier until you slow down and can start up again. I know this well because a year ago I had a major back operation and my husband was there for me day after day. So when I told him about the possibility I could have cancer, I said I was sorry that he would have to help me again. He just reached for my hand and said, “That’s okay. We’re a team.”

Having a support team makes the slides downhill much easier. And I can guarantee you that giving others a hand when they take their plunge down a slope they hadn’t intended to take can steady them until their ride ends and they can begin to go up the next hill. It feels wonderful to be on both the giving and receiving side.

NOTE:  The diagnosis was negative and I was cancer free. But the experience taught me a great deal about the value of having a support team!