How Does Your Personality Affect Your Relationships?

December 17, 2009

Introducing a Series of Questions for Healing Relationships

We have conflicts with one another for many reasons. Sometimes a personality trait gets in the way. Sometimes we have a different opinion or value or philosophy of life. Whatever the cause, understanding ourselves is the first step in discovering what we might do to heal a strained or broken relationship.

That is why I have created a series of  simple, but not simplistic, questions you can ask yourself as you move toward greater peace of mind, a process that can lead to greater peace between you and another person.

The purpose of the questions in this category is to have you better understand the many facets of your personality and your coping skills as they relate to your relationships. As you do the 19 sets of questions about personality, notice whether some of your traits seem to be more “hard-wired” for you than others. They may be more difficult to change. However, also notice that other characteristics don’t seem to be serving your relationship very well at the moment and may be more amenable to change.

Four Important Notes

1. There are no right and wrong answers.
2. There aren’t any trick questions with hidden agendas.
3. The questions are designed to help you understand yourself and your relationship better so that you can have greater peace of mind as you learn more about yourself.
4. Pay particular attention to the “why” questions. That’s where you’ll find pay dirt in these exercises.

Exploring Your Personality # 1: Self-Motivation

ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS

• If I imagine a self-motivation scale of 1-10 — in which “1” means I am almost never motivated to change my behavior and attitude toward life, and “10” that almost all the time I am motivated to improve myself and see how I might be better than I have been in the past — what rating would I give myself? In other words, do I generally look at ways I can be better or do I generally accept myself just as I am and tend not to spend effort on self-improvement?
• Why do I give myself that rating?
• How would I rate other people in my life, especially people with whom I have a difficult relationship?
• Does the difference or similarity in our ratings make a difference in our relationship?

To explore other questions, see Ask Yourself Questions and Change Your Life and Healing Relationships is an Inside Job.

Accept Your Family Members Just as They Are

November 17, 2008

When family gatherings drive you crazy, learn how to love them.

What happens when your relatives arrive on your doorstep this holiday, or you arrive on theirs? Are you genuinely pleased to see them? Or do you count the hours until they all leave, or you can?

How do we get into this dilemma? Far from giving us the loving support we want, which according to researchers is an essential ingredient in health and healing, family gatherings often seem far from health-promoting. Although they may have elements of fun, why can they also drive you crazy? The answer is simple. Your family is made up of people. And people, even those we love, have very human traits that are sure to drive someone crazy at one time or another. Getting all the family together can be highly stressful for many people.

In an article titled Gathering the Family for Love and Healing, I write:

Part of the problem, of course, is that many of us have to travel long distances for family reunions. Years ago, when families lived near one another, there were more opportunities to share in one another’s joys and sorrows. You could watch your nieces and nephews growing up right before your eyes. Disagreements had time to get themselves worked out in small bits and pieces.

Now holidays are often the only times for face-to-face discussions, the airing of differences, and the acknowledgment of milestones passed during the year. Consequently, tensions can be exacerbated because so much is jammed into such a short period of time.

Despite your family’s history to the contrary, we believe it is possible to have a family reunion that is loving, healing, and nurturing – without unnecessary stress. Read the rest of the article on Support4Change to set you off on the right foot in planning a less stressful holiday season.

Later in the article I offered twenty suggestions for how to make a planned get-together work out better than it has in the past. Read Gathering the Family for Love and Healing to discover which ideas would work best for your sanity — and your family’s.

Techniques to Heal Strained Family Relationships

December 11, 2006

Discover how to actually enjoy your family when the holidays – and crazy relatives – descend on you.

For those of you who dread an upcoming family gathering near to home or somewhere far away, I recommend you read an article I wrote several years ago called Gathering the Family for Love and Healing. It is written for all those whose families aren’t perfect.

Here are subheadings for the body of the article. While you can get additional information from the article itself, just reading this list may encourage you to relax and slow down a bit. Be sure to notice the suggestions in bold.

At Least Be Glad Your Family Isn’t Boring

A Time to Heal Old Wounds

Use the KISS method

Take mini-vacations before, during, and after the family gathering

Be flexible

Write “DON’T PANIC” on the top of your to-do list

Spend a quiet day or evening all by yourself

Ask for help when you need it !!!

Relax

Treat your family like you treat your friends

Invite friends

Compliment your family

See others as they are today

Let bygones be bygones

Relax

Give people space to be themselves

Make exceptions to accommodate special needs

Take advantage of the occasion to create an oral history event

Remember what’s really important

Relax

Enjoy the fruits of your labor

When Emotions Get in the Way of Gratitude

December 6, 2006

It is hard to feel gratitude when you are focused on guilt and disappointment in yourself and others.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero, first century B.C.

A woman, whom we’ll call Nancy, responded to my thoughts on Gratitude in the Morning. She said she wanted to be grateful but was “only stressed and worried” about her grown son who didn’t have a steady job and whose bills were piling up. She wondered what she could do to stop and hated the feeling of being “angry at him” and thinking “ill of him.”

This is a not uncommon reaction from parents of children with whom we’re estranged, or with whom we’re disappointed because they haven’t turned out the way we thought they should. (You can see my online book, Letting Go of Our Adult Children: When What We Do is Never Enough, for a more complete perspective.)

However, getting swept up in emotions and stress isn’t just a problem for parents. It’s common for anyone who has gotten tangled in a situation they thought would turn out differently than it has. In fact, many unpleasant emotions, from anger to depression, arise from expecting things will be different. Here are just a few examples: You assume your child will return safely from Iraq; instead, he is seriously wounded… . You put your heart and soul into a report the boss said he absolutely had to have on his desk Monday morning, even missing your child’s birthday party. Then you discover on Monday morning that he either ignores your efforts or has changed his mind… . You aren’t selected for the school on which you’ve set your heart… . Someone without insurance runs into your new custom-built car.

You could undoubtedly add several examples from your own experience that results in your being upset for a long time. These are the boulders and potholes that lie in the path of life. You have to learn to get past them. Naturally, some boulders that have rolled onto your path take a bit longer to climb over and some potholes are deeper than you’d like. Yet if you keep your eyes on the goal of living fully and of doing the best you can, you’ll get through that section of rough road and onto ground that is much smoother.

However, there are those who leave their own path and go over to help someone who’s having a hard time navigating a section of their road. This can be a noble thing to do, up to a point. What I’ve discovered with parents of grown children, however, is that they frequently keep a sharp eye on their child’s path, ready to jump in and rescue their child. They want to prevent him or her from experiencing the pain of resolving difficult issues through the child’s own efforts (like getting and keeping a job). It’s not that we have to do everything on our own. But one of the most important lessons in life is the recognition of where our responsibility ends and the other person’s responsibility begins.

What would I say to Nancy to help her extricate herself from the situation? First, I would say, “Step back onto your own path and look past the boulders and potholes. You will find there is beauty all around you. Take a deep breath and allow peace to enter your heart. Share love with a world of hurt and the hurt in your own heart will melt. Express joy in the small pleasures of life and joy will lighten your burdens. And most of all, give thanks for all you have, because without the gifts of nature and the talents of others, your life would not be possible.”

Then I would recommend to Nancy that she say to her son, “Son, if you want to live with the insecurity of not having a steady job, go ahead. I intend to pay attention to my own life. That includes getting on with what I have to do for myself. And what I have to do for myself is to express joy, love, patience, peace and gratitude.”

I believe she will then find that her son will be surprised she’s not hovering in the background with worry and criticism. He may even express disappointment that she’s not offering the help she had previously given. But eventually he will thank her for giving him the space to learn and live as a responsible, mature individual.

Especially if you’ve allowed your emotions to keep you from expressing gratitude, I would like to hear your answer to the following question:

For what are you grateful today?